No more pencils, no more tookuses

Thanks to a bill signed by Gov. Mike Beebe, Arkansas’ long statewide nightmare is finally over.

Baggy pants are officially banned from public schools by law, which defines them as clothing that exposes the wearer’s underwear or buttocks.

A few critics in the state legislature that voted against it argued that the bill stymies students’ individual expression. Also, in its mere two days of enactment, the bill has resulted in higher water bills as all plumbers are now banned from approaching within 50 yards of a school zone.

Movement to ban human veal

If the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) gets its way, then you can say goodbye to human veal.

The group of pediatricians have begun lobbying each state to prohibit teenagers under 18 years old from UV tanning beds. They believe that the ban would help cut skin cancer rates as the risk of melanoma increases with number of years of indoor tanning.

Of course, this means that that teenage girls will binge tan on their eighteenth birthdays, which makes their meat tough and stringy. At that point, we might as well boil our shoe leather.

Happy Valentine’s Day, infidel

Now that all of the stores have taken down their Martin Luther King, Jr. Day decorations (which seem to go up earlier and earlier every year), it’s time to now focus on Valentine’s Day.

However, not everybody is into the Valentine’s spirit.

Iran has unofficially banned the holiday, calling it’s celebration “the spread of Western culture.” The printing works owners’ union has issued a ban on any materials featuring “hearts, half-hearts, [and] red roses” and “any activities promoting this day.”

Sounds like somebody in a certain government couldn’t land themselves a date, much less get laid with a stack of veils at a bikini contest.

The Real Story: Earmarks possibly banned via earmark

No, the headline above is not a LOL; it’s purely observation of a phenomenon witnessed only in Washington D.C. and Mr. Magoo’s torture cellar:  clueless execution. And, as Sen. Tom Coburn, R-Okla. hoped, the Associated Press missed it in the midst of their story about an FDA bill.

“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev. got an agreement to move the legislation by allowing Republicans to offer amendments not relevant to the bill. […] Coburn is expected to offer an amendment to place a moratorium on spending for ‘earmarks,’ or pet projects in lawmakers’ states and districts[.]”

Alright, technically, it’s not an earmark. But it sure ain’t a straightforward bill, neither.

Not so Happy Meal now

The San Francisco city board passed a bill that bans “restaurants from handing out toys with meals that fail to meet basic nutritional standards for fat, calories, and sodium.” The target of the bill is the McDonald’s Happy Meal, which famously lures children in once a week to get the latest plastic movie tie-in.

However, if San Francisco really cared, they’d get rid of McDonald’s Monopoly, which convinces stupid people to eat there every day.

Fabulous news regarding DADT

After nearly two years of gay and lesbian advocates asking the Obama administration to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” it appears that Congress will introduce a bill, possibly even this week.

President Barack Obama is reportedly on-board with the plan, albeit “grudgingly” because he didn’t plan to introduce anything until at earliest November, by which time he could find a way to support gays in the military without it sounding “so gay.” The President quickly added, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

President Obama’s hesitation is understandable since his first 18 months in office have been plagued with questions about his sexuality. There was Mustardgate when Obama ordered Dijon mustard for his burger. Or the knowing glances he got in response to asking Secretary of State Clinton if a tie brought out his eyes enough.

Even before his election, he was declared an ivory tower elitist, who pals around with terrorists … terrorists, who might be gay and hate straight people.

Should the amendment make it into defense authorization bill, the repeal would not take effect until after a study by the Joint Chiefs of Staff to ensure that the entire military won’t look gay … you know, except for the gays … who are valuable assets members contributors to national defense.

A hunka burqa love

A Muslim woman was fined by police for wearing presumably nothing but a burqa outside in Italy.

This and a proposed French law to ban the sexy, sexy garment has prompted a serious debate about gender norms, taboo and religion as the world’s cultures are increasingly mingling in romantic destinations like Tuscany, Paris and Detroit.

On the one hand, women could be wearing anything under a burqa: thongs, lacey pushup bras, cut-off daisy dukes or even nothing but a bomb vest.

On the other hand, she could be ugly. Or a dude posing as a woman to get favors like not driving and ditching school. If we get aroused by that, then what does that say about us?

So, while we see the reasoning behind this police action, we would like to remind Italy that if you never outlaw the burqa, you’ll never have to ruin the fantasy underneath.

It’s a sad day for Happy Meals

Unhappy times are ahead for those who love Happy Meals in Santa Clara, California. It’s being reported that Santa Clara County has approved a ban on the promotional toys that often accompany kids’ meals at fast-food spots like McDonald’s, Burger King and Taco Bell. The toys must be discontinued unless the restaurants can institute a voluntary program in the next 90 days that improves the nutritional offerings. Yeah, that’s easy to do.

According to ordinance sponsor Ken Yeager, “This ordinance prevents restaurants from preying on children’s love of toys. This ordinance breaks the link between unhealthy food and prizes.”

Childhood obesity and diabetes is on the rise in the U.S., and Santa Clara is taking a route that goes above parental roles in healthy eating and targets the food itself. The ban will create massive havoc for franchise owners in Santa Clara, even if Happy Meal toys were better back in my day.

What could this ultimately lead to? Families driving across county lines just for some plastic. And Happy Meal toys.

Down under round up

Remember the Sex Party of Australia? Yeah, we know, it’s been a very long time, but they’re back, and they’re back with a vengeance. They’ve now begun reporting that the Australian Classification Board has begun rounding up any material depicting women with less than substantially sized breasts in adult publications and film-for an immediate banning. Now, we’re not going to just automatically Godwin the ACB, but, well … we do enjoy snickering when the word “titzi” is spoken.

The reason for this discrimination of the A and A- crowd? The ACB feels that this is a way to prevent pedophilia, in a nutshell. To boil it down, they want to make sure people aren’t turned on and getting all sex-crazed over small breasts, and thus are making sure that all the young-looking women must have really large breasts.

Anyone but me see the basic flaw here?

But wait-there’s more! A burglar broke into the house of the Sciascia family and ran off with an iPod and Xbox. One problem: the legs of Papa Sciascia weren’t exactly up to snuff. The solution? 11 year old Rena grabbed dad’s crutch and gave chase. For 500 meters. The police later tracked down the alleged burglar. Rena’s iPod was lost, but her Xbox was found in a bush near the family’s home. The burglar was never named, for obvious reasons of not wanting to die of embarrassment.