The Daily Show has traditionally closed its shows with a piece called “Your moment of zen.”
Say hello to your moment of weeping for the future. God forbid the kids actually learn what it is from a source that doesn’t imply rightness or wrongness, but instead just gives them the non-titillating facts. Or pictures of old people wearing rapist glasses. Watch out National Geographic, you might be next!
The FDA sent out a warning letter to 14 online companies that are breaking new cigarette laws, which indicates that the FDA may be a UN organization. The companies received the written hand-wringing for continuing to sell flavored cigarettes.
Flavored cigarettes violate the Tobacco Control Act, which was signed into law by President Obama in June. Candy, fruit and herb-flavored cigarettes were outlawed because the FDA believes they entice children and teens who want to look older, but can no longer associate original flavors with cartoon characters.
So, if you want to sell cigarettes, flavors are not OK, unless those flavors are:
Anything else would be unnatural.
In the Bible, it’s written that the meek shall inherit the Earth. But they’ll have to inherit it without delicious homemade cupcakes and fried apple pies. At least, if they happen to be the meek of New York City.
New York City’s Education Department has made rulings that no bake sales can take place at schools. This all falls under a new series of changes regarding vending machines and student run stores, and since no takes the time to create their own specialized nutritional value charts for each individual muffin, all the better to just ban it, right? Remember, it’s all to help out the children!
Don’t worry, though. It’s now being advised that kids can raise money for school events or team needs by instead selling items like t-shirts and key chains. After all, those are totally top sellers in high schools! Everyone loves those little wacky eyed key chains, right?
It turns out one of Her Majesty’s secret agents lived the high life only in the movies. The James Bond of the 1970s, Roger Moore, won’t eat foie gras, and he won’t speak to friends who do either.
“I refuse to speak to old friends who, even when they know how it is produced, are prepared to overlook the suffering for self-gratification,” he writes. “My wife Christina feels just the same. No creature deserves to be treated as these birds are for our delectation.”
Moore joined forces with the terrorist organization known as People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals three years ago to narrate a video about foie gras production. Some people would say that this would be where his career slipped. We would agree. Moore contends the birds are force-fed the human equivalent of 45 pounds of pasta a day to fatten their livers. Frankly, that sounds like a delicious way to die.
The n-bomb. Midget. They don’t really match up that well in terms of offensiveness.
Apparently to some though, they do. They are people too, hear them roar!
OK, it’s probably more akin to a squeak or so.
In these stringent and lean economic times (cliche points +2), New Jersey feels the need to end the jobs of many people. Particularly, those that get rather hands on with their work. Specifically those that rip the pubic hair off of the lovely people plain and simple citizens of New Jersey.
Yes, because two (2) women have complained about their injuries resulting from a Brazilian wax, the New Jersey State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling is contemplating putting a ban on Brazilian waxes in their state. That’s right, there’s no possibility of overreaction in that state. Hirsutes and former 70’s porn stars were heard rejoicing the state over.
So, what have we learned?
Smokers in Virginia are certainly not crying today as their rule over restaurants and bars comes to a measured end.
Governor Tim Kaine will sign a bill today that will restrict all statewide smoking to little petting zoos with separate ventilation and, presumably, wait staff. This is the toughest anti-smoking law to date … in any of the five tobacco-producing states.
The Guys give this new law exactly three days before indignant Virginia smokers (including those who smoke Slims) invoke Brown v. Board of Education to contest their new “separate but equal” status.
Fire off that last mail message real quick, Japanese students. You won’t be able to do that at school anymore.
It seems that Japan’s Ministry of Education, Culture, Sports, Science and Technology doesn’t want students to have their phones at school anymore. They will hand their decision down to schools and school boards as early as this month. Cell phone heads, it looks grim for you.
Forget the kids at school. They can go talk to each other face to face — that’ll be good for them. What’s really important are the Japanese entertainment implications. This will change the face of a good deal of stereotypical life in Japan. How often does a phone call or message at school advance the plot of their stories in entertainment? What’s going to happen to the phone flirting? How else will the tentacle monsters surprise school girls?
What are they going to do now? Are they going to have to go back to the carrier pigeon? Don’t tell me we have to go back to that note-in-a-shoe-locker thing again.
After finally getting the majority of students medicated into docility, educators are facing a new Madison Avenue-created education-deterrent: energy drinks.
In response to children being awake, enthusiastic and eager for discussion, schools are banning the drinks outright. There has been little fight against the bans, which is fortunate because no prevention tactics have been adopted. (That’s right, kids: you can still take shots of Red Bull before school.)
As opponents to education in general, The Guys fully support these meaures. The last thing we need is for kids to realize that their adult contemporaries can’t do anything without their morning coffee. That kind of knowledge will only lead to our eventual downfall.
After Friday’s highlights on the War on Animals, we switch focus to our other war, the War on Education.
Educators in Victorville, California have learned a hard lesson: when candy is criminalized, only criminals will have candy.
At the urging of Governor Arnold Schwartzenhophenhujablange … the Terminator, Hook Junior High School banned all candy sales to help cut down on childhood obesity. Since then, a black market of students with Twinkies and Snickers bars has exploded.
Leave it to our educators to create a new generation of Al Capones. If we needed more criminals, we could just send them to the movies or let them play video games all day.
