Man getting away from wife robs bank, is sentenced to house arrest

After decades of marriage, some people start to resent their spouse, or at least that’s the cliche. Rather than just splitting up, some people go to extreme measures to get away. Sometimes those backfire.

Last fall, a 70-year-old man robbed a bank, only he didn’t leave the bank once he got the money. Instead, he sat in a chair and waited for the police to arrive. He told the cops he wanted to go to jail so he could get away from his wife. This is true.

We’re bringing this up the better part of a year later because this man was given his sentence for the bank robbery this week. The judge sentenced him to six months house arrest for his crime.

This could be cruel and unusual punishment.

Bank teller walks away from would-be robber

It seems like every week we hear about more humans losing their jobs because of automation (read: robots). How can a human that expects pay possibly compete with machine slave labor? The answer is in banking.

Thanks to ATMs, the only reason people actually walk into a bank anymore is to rob it, but a bank teller in Detroit was having none of it. According to reports, a man walked into a bank in suburban Detroit and handed the teller a note saying that he was armed. The bank teller simply walked away, forcing the would-be robber to leave empty-handed.

The inefficiency of the American worker thwarted a bank robbery. Meanwhile, you can empty an ATM with nothing but a drill and a gadget you can make for $15. We win this round.

A life sentence? Or ten to 25 years?

Much like 50 hard-boiled eggs, 25 years in prison to escape your wife only seems awesome in theory.
Much like 50 hard-boiled eggs and on-demand shower sodomy, 25 years in prison to escape your marriage only seems awesome in theory.

As a generation who grew up with divorce — and, before that, cholera — marriage doesn’t seem like a lifetime vow. Well, until you’re making that vow, then it becomes Too Real and even a little overwhelming.

So, if you can’t afford an attorney to negotiate your way out, you could always rob a bank and represent yourself. That should get you at least ten to 25 years … unless you’re Larry Ripple and even the Feds refuse to give you a little peace and quiet.

In the heat of an argument a domestic dispute with his wife, Ripple wrote out a bank robbery note, informed her he’d rather go to prison than spend another minute with her, drove to the bank and handed it to a teller. After receiving $2,924, he sat down in the lobby, chatted with the guard and waited for the FBI — which (fun fact) responds to all bank robberies — to arrest him.

Unfortunately, he only got five blissful days in jail before the U.S. Magistrate released him back into his wife’s custody. Of course, in a just world, his wife would’ve already remarried by then.

North Carolina town faces the power of the Dark Side

“Alert all commands. Calculate every possible destination along their last known trajectory.”

The Sith Lord was found at a Pineville bank, holding it up (warning: autoplay). One can presume that he might have been looking for the Millennium Falcon, but let’s be honest, the Death Star isn’t going to pay for itself. Don’t believe me?

“Search your feelings, you *know* it to be true!”

Senior citizens these days

If AARP commercials are any indicator, it’s tough being a senior citizen these days. The free healthcare and discounted breakfasts just aren’t enough to cut it. In Florida, one man had enough.

Police say a 77-year-old man entered a PNC Bank with the assistance of a walker, and robbed it, brandishing a pocket knife. The old guy got $130, took a teller hostage, and did not manage to make it out of the bank before authorities arrived.

He should have had one of those scooter things.