Tagged: bank robbery

| Filed under Big Man of the Day, Facepalm

A life sentence? Or ten to 25 years?

Much like 50 hard-boiled eggs, 25 years in prison to escape your wife only seems awesome in theory.
Much like 50 hard-boiled eggs and on-demand shower sodomy, 25 years in prison to escape your marriage only seems awesome in theory.

As a generation who grew up with divorce — and, before that, cholera — marriage doesn’t seem like a lifetime vow. Well, until you’re making that vow, then it becomes Too Real and even a little overwhelming.

So, if you can’t afford an attorney to negotiate your way out, you could always rob a bank and represent yourself. That should get you at least ten to 25 years … unless you’re Larry Ripple and even the Feds refuse to give you a little peace and quiet.

In the heat of an argument a domestic dispute with his wife, Ripple wrote out a bank robbery note, informed her he’d rather go to prison than spend another minute with her, drove to the bank and handed it to a teller. After receiving $2,924, he sat down in the lobby, chatted with the guard and waited for the FBI — which (fun fact) responds to all bank robberies — to arrest him.

Unfortunately, he only got five blissful days in jail before the U.S. Magistrate released him back into his wife’s custody. Of course, in a just world, his wife would’ve already remarried by then.

| Filed under Regular Post

North Carolina town faces the power of the Dark Side

“Alert all commands. Calculate every possible destination along their last known trajectory.”

The Sith Lord was found at a Pineville bank, holding it up (warning: autoplay). One can presume that he might have been looking for the Millennium Falcon, but let’s be honest, the Death Star isn’t going to pay for itself. Don’t believe me?

“Search your feelings, you *know* it to be true!”

| Filed under Regular Post

Mask technology hits new heights, still doesn’t work

A man is being widely acknowledged for using an incredibly realistic and lifelike mask in order to rob a North Carolina bank (warning: autoplay).

Had he used a mask that actually worked, we might not be giving any acknowledgment. Because he’d still be on the lam.

| Filed under Regular Post

Senior citizens these days

If AARP commercials are any indicator, it’s tough being a senior citizen these days. The free healthcare and discounted breakfasts just aren’t enough to cut it. In Florida, one man had enough.

Police say a 77-year-old man entered a PNC Bank with the assistance of a walker, and robbed it, brandishing a pocket knife. The old guy got $130, took a teller hostage, and did not manage to make it out of the bank before authorities arrived.

He should have had one of those scooter things.