A positively awful plan

An elderly woman is “an undisclosed amount of cash” richer and possibly on a shopping spree of undisclosed size in Colorado!

She robbed a Wells Fargo bank by handing the teller a note that said she would give her AIDS unless she forked over anywhere from 1 to infinity dollars. She sold the act by coughing frequently and wearing a train conductor’s cap, indicating she may have made love to a filthy train hobo.

The joke’s on that teller, though: everyone knows that people with AIDS don’t live to be elderly!

Alabama is trying to kill me with sex

SeriouslyGuys deployed me to Huntsville, Alabama in 2007. They hoped that they would have direct access to all the stupid stories in the South. (Who would have suspected Florida and South Carolina?)

But, every now and then, this town delivers.

Local sex shop Pleasures will open a second location in Huntsville in the best metaphor of our economic times: a closed-down bank. The drive-thru teller lanes will be incorporated into the business as the first sex toy drive-thru in Alabama and possibly the world.

Look, Pleasures owner Sherri Williams: Huntsville just outlawed texting and driving to curb accidents and save lives. Now I have to dodge your customers when they’re on a “joy ride?” Not cool.

The best robberies are the worst ones

It’s hard to fit a whole lot of stupid into one package. Nonetheless, some people manage to exceed our expectations. And for that, we must thank you.

Kimberly Ramirez is being charged with robbing more than eleven grand from a Chicago-land bank. That’s fairly normal enough, if you don’t account for her being captured just forty minutes later. It turns out that she left her debit card at the scene of the crime. Whoops.

Oh, and the demand note was written on the back of a prescription note made out in her name. Double whoops.

And we can’t forget that when the police found her at her apartment, she had managed to lock herself out of it. Triple whoops.

Some people just make it easy.

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge the law

Well, well, well, if it isn’t that Rip Torn fella, painting the town red again.

Note: if you get drunk, don’t aspire to be Rip Torn. He allegedly got a little tipsy and decided to rob a bank. That always work well for everyone involved, right? Sure! Okay, so maybe not, since Rip is now held on a 100 grand bond. Should’ve brought a noisy cricket with him.

Now, could this story have gotten any better? Of course. Simply swap Rip Torn with Rip Taylor and make sure that his revolver shot only confetti. Then the robbery would be fab-u-louuus.

Bank error in your favor, collect $6 million

Oh sure, maybe your life isn’t going so hot right now, financially speaking, but for a few residents of Secret Pirate Island, in today’s economy, they can’t afford to not be millionaires.

A New Zealand couple were mistakenly given 10 million dollars by their bank. Apparently, it is now on like Donkey Kong. Help from Interpol, those dastardly international do-gooders, has been requested. It’s suspected that the couple have fled to Hong Kong with the money. That’ll buy a whole lot of chicken feet.

Comparatively speaking, it might be kind of fun to live that sort of life, always being on the run, buying yachts that lead to boat chases on the high seas, probably wearing sweet t-shirt/suit combinations.

Money money money mo—-ney!

Michael J. Fox's movie has nothing on this.Money!

Or, more accurately, lack thereof.

Hey everyone, I’ve got a hot tip for you! Are you just fiendin’ to get that record business up and going, but lack the actual capital to do so? Of course you are! Why bother letting something as inconsequential as not having the proper amount of money hold back? Don’t stop at some Check Cashing or Payday Advance store to get the finances that you need. That won’t work. Here’s the hot tip: forge a check for 360 billion dollars from your girlfriend’s mother. It’s a victim-less crime! Now that’s the secret to success!

(Story courtesy of Alex H.)