Tag: banning

Hard stance on immigration : easier stance on payment

We all know that illegal immigration is a big topic of concern, probably even more so in the (oh so fashionably named) Texarkana states. There’s no easy way to end it that’s fair to everyone, but there are plenty of suggestions, especially those from the Republican side of the board. Texas Republican state Representative Debbie Riddle has a fantastic plan:

“Create tough state punishments for those who ‘intentionally, knowingly, or recklessly’ hire an unauthorized immigrant. Violators could face up to two years in jail and a fine of up to $10,000.”

But wait a second here. Illegal immigrants do a lot of jobs that many of us are just too lazy to do. Why should you go shovel your driveway when you can pay someone else to? Why should you mow your lawn? Why should you clean your own house? Because it’s so much easier to just pay someone below minimum wage to do it. And if you’re an official that may possibly have a say regarding illegal immigration?

Don’t you worry. Riddle has, what we call in my business, a workaround.

“Those who hire unauthorized immigrants would be in violation of the law — unless they are hiring a maid, a lawn caretaker or another houseworker.”

Phew. That’s a relief. We’d hate to call someone a hypocrite, because why should Texans be held to the same standard as the rest of America?

Number 11: Thou Shall Not Need To Add Whipped Cream

Marketers exist in a fast-paced world. Their lives usually consist of inventing amazing campaigns that will stay in a person’s mind; but more often than not, said campaigns linger around for no more than around two months at most. That’s just craziness.

Of course, if you’re the Antonio Federici ice cream company, then your marketers are facing even more overwhelming odds. The UK’s Advertising Standards Authority has decided that Federici’s ad, involving what appears to be a pregnant nun eating the ice cream and a tag line stating “immaculately conceived,” is to be banned. The reasoning is that it might possibly offend Roman Catholics.

This is malarkey, and we’re not afraid to tell you the truth. The ASA didn’t ban it because of offense; it banned the ad because of pressure from a secret society that has their fingers in an untold number of sweet and indulgent conspiracies: the Fudgeluminati.

Now that I’ve revealed this truth, pray that I don’t wake up tomorrow as a chocolate-covered Chug.

The analogy of arcades being speakeasies just became more legitimate

Pouring one out for your digital homies just became a lot more difficult if you reside in Illinois. I mean, really difficult.

Despite there never actually being many instances of this, Illinois has decided to ban any and all references to malt liquor in video games “marketed to children.”

Protip: This will most assuredly make America a better place somehow. Obviously. Clearly.

The state’s government is introducing a whole range of laws designed to tackle alcohol abuse and drunk driving, of which this is but one. Advertisements and displays of any sort of “alcopop” or malt liquor will not be allowed in any video game hoping to go on sale in the mid-Western state.

Protip: Mystifying alcohol and making it look like some sort of forbidden secret will totally not make children all the more curious to try it.

Billboards within 500 feet of public schools and live performances where the majority of the audience could be children have also been affected by this new law, which went into affect this past week.

Protip: Prohibition on a video game level is just a completely inane idea.