What’s great about a bar is that you can go out and have a good time drinking with your friends. What’s bad about a bar is that other people exist. Studies have shown that not talking to strangers in a bar decreases your odds of getting in a fight. Unfortunately, it also means you miss when something cool happens.
In Florida, two robbers, one armed with a shotgun, the other carrying a rifle, took money from a bar and walked out, all while patrons in the bar kept drinking. The robbery happened at about 1:30 a.m. last Sunday, which may help explain why so many people didn’t see it happen or just didn’t care. The bar owner said people kept ordering drinks during the robbery.
Drinking alone can be fun, you don’t have anyone to judge you, you can do whatever you want while you drink, and there aren’t any jerks to deal with like at your local watering hole. But drinking alone isn’t a good habit to fall into. Fortunately, science is here to encourage you to go to the bar.
According to researchers at Oxford University, having a local pub to hang out at generally makes you happier. It’s amazing what science can teach us today. It turns out that social interaction, like that you can find at your local hole-in-the-wall, makes you feel more satisfied with your life. And the drinks almost certainly help that.
This makes sense, since we learned recently that drinking with your friends can help stave off Alzheimer’s. So go out tonight and have some drinks with those guys you know, the life you save could be your own.
We’re going to walk you through this one step by step, because there’s a lot involved that may not be what you expect. First off, let’s go to Brussels, the capital of Belgium.
There’s a bar there, and apparently it’s an anarchist bar. How this differs from any other bar, we’re not sure. Perhaps you don’t have to cross yourself before do a shot. Who knows? In this bar is a wall covered in underwear. It’s called “the Museum of Underpants.” On this wall is a pair of underthings signed by Brussels Mayor Yvan Mayeur–or at least, it was on the wall.
It was reported this week that someone stole the mayors signed underwear. These are all facts.
The DDs were, however, still below the legal limit of 0.08 … for now. Because drivers begin to show signs of impairment at 0.05, federal accident investigators have recommended that states lower their drunk driving limits to that level. Over 100 countries have already started this and found a significant reduction in highway fatalities and volume in IHOPs after 10pm.
Of course, none of this would be an issue if more people would (a) watch baseball to learn what “designated” means and (b) keep those puritans from turning the American League into the National League by eliminating the DH rule.
One of those witnesses, 15-year-old Max Schultz posted video of a police officer holding back one of the brides as a man in a tuxedo is thrown to the floor. “Did they just deck the bride?” he asked.
Yes, Max. It’s tradition in Philadelphia to deck the bride. If there isn’t a receiving line after the ceremony for every to get a hit in, then it is up to guests to approach the bride sometime during the reception, preferably after dinner, but before the cutting of the groom, and wallop her good. If this sounds weird or gross to you at 15, you’ll understand when you get older.
In what be yet more otherpossible health code violation news: a St. Kilda, Australia, pub be coming under (chain shot) fire fer its “No Undie Sundie” promotion. Apparently, encouragin’ lasses to take off their undergarments in exchange for a $50 drink card just wasn’t the smartest idea. Who would’ve guessed? Certainly not Joe Francis. Personally, the capitalist landlubber with book learnin’ in business thinks that it’s brilliant, of course, but hey, that just be me.
Just a reminder to all the tanked out there: your taxes are due next week. You might want to think about filing them. One good reason is that it allows you to get your tax return back. We know what that means–booze money.
There’s another good reason, especially if you live in New Jersey. You can have your taxes done for you while you’re hanging out at a bar. CPA Carmine Sodora can take care or your W2s while you get wasted. We all know it would certainly take the pain out of doing your own taxes, which drives you to drink anyway. This way, you don’t have to feel bad about doing so, or explain to the IRS audit guy why your penmanship gets sloppier and sloppier as you go down the page.
We are gathered here this morning to discuss something very important in everyone’s lives, more importantly, other people’s lives. That subject is the beauty of a wedding and the free alcohol that comes with it.
This past Saturday I spent in Boston for a friends’ wedding. For those of you who have never been to Boston in February, I highly recommend it. It’s beautiful this time of year. It was an oppressively warm 26 degrees on Saturday, with not a cloud in the sky. Most of the snow had melted, leaving only salt and mud behind. This is why Boston’s tourism flourishes during February.
I am convinced that everyone who attends a wedding has one thing on their minds: “I hope this thing has a nice spread.” In this regard, some weddings are better than others. This is what can make or break a wedding for most people. On Saturday, I was not disappointed. There were roughly five courses, or plates, I can never remember the difference, and each one was better than the one before it.
But the best part was the open bar. There, I was free to imbibe as many Jack and Cokes as my liver desired (there was also some drink ordering for the date, as well). There is something mystical about an open bar and being all dressed up for an event. It makes you want to drink, but look fancy doing it. What may have been the smartest move overall at this wedding was there was no dancing, nor was there karaoke. I say this not because I was in danger of dancing or singing (though I was tempted on the Frank Sinatra songs), but because seeing other people do it can ruin an experience.
The year is still young, and by my count, I still have four more weddings on my schedule. May the brides and grooms have eternal happiness, and may the food at their receptions be excellent.