The bald and the beautiful

Much like Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., whom we celebrate today, Rebecca Sypin of Lancaster, Calif., and friend Jane Bingham of New Jersey also have a dream.

That dream is of a “beautiful and bald” Barbie doll. Not satisfied with destroying the body images of little girls with hair, the two have launched a Facebook campaign to convince Mattell (or, less desirably, another toy company) to add a hairless Barbie to their line.

Mattell has, to date, not committed to the doll, saying they receive “hundreds of passionate requests for various dolls” and will keep their application on file. If that response sounds political, it’s probably because of a rival request from the Little Brothers of America, whose Facebook group claims that an already bald Barbie will put millions of younger siblings out of work.

How To: Get a scapegoat for a re-election bid

Tough times are hitting everyone, even politicians. What, you thought they had it easy since all they do to get a job is get elected? Friend, how wrong you are. Between the late night gab sessions at their congressional sleepovers and baby-kissing, it’s a cutthroat world that they work in. You’ve got to find a bill that you can attach yourself to quickly in the hopes that it can somehow validate what your voters did for you, and there are only so many scapegoats that you can create as villains. With that said, here’s a quick study to help you out, all based off of West Virginia’s State Delegate Jeff Eldridge:

1. Find an easy target. Maybe you married an all right (aesthetically) woman from high school and your kids will now never win a beauty pageant. Perhaps you were told that you’d never be an astronaut, just a house maker. Who cares, right? It’s time to select that scapegoat and ride it to the pony! Using Eldridge as our example, we suggest you use Barbie. Yes, the plastic doll. She’s such a harlot.

2. Nail all the easy points regarding how evil your scapegoat is. Again, using Eldridge as our example, remember to say such points like:

“I just hate the image that we give to our kids that if you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful and you don’t have to be smart,” Eldridge told West Virginia news station WOWK.

It’s strongly recommended that you avoid or glaze over real points regarding your actions, such as how this could actually be good for stimulating our economy when you’re asking for the outright ban of one of the most profitable toys of all time. Or, you know, why the use of government is needed to regulate a child’s doll. Or, what you can do to get jobs to your state.

3. ??????

4. Profit (and by profit, we mean get reelected).

Barbie beatz Bratz, lawsuitz beatz dollz, salez beatz dollz

It’s like the perpetual Ro-sham-bo. The gist, summed up: there’s been a legal battle between Mattel and MGA over copyright violation and breach of contract over the Bratz dolls, originally developed by Carter Bryant while working at Mattel. Judgment has been made, and if left to stand, means that MGA has to stop making all Bratz products after the end of the year.

So, what’s a Bratz doll? Simply put, it’s a doll that feels that noses are facial deformities. They’re like pouty-lipped, apathetic looking emo girls, but made trendy and in high heels. Think of them like little plastic strumpets. Strumpets that will eat your soul.

But are they gone for good? With their vast, predatory eyes? Perhaps, perhaps not. A few thoughts after the cut. Continue reading Barbie beatz Bratz, lawsuitz beatz dollz, salez beatz dollz

Take it from Snee: Toys suck anyway

Alright, so I’m getting married this weekend. This means two things:

  1. There will be no writing from me next week because I’ll be in Bermuda.
  2. I’m going to write some crap about growing up, becoming a man, etc.

Interestingly enough, point number two seems to be a popular theme this week, as my old friend Charles Smith (an alias to be sure) has his own opinions about it in Whim this week.

Yep, it was about when I worried about having hemorrhoids on my honeymoon that I realized I’m acting more and more like a grown-up. So it’s time to put away childish things, or toys, and embrace the things of men.

Video games stay, though, because they’re not toys. They’re training files should the government ever require my services as a fighter pilot/secret agent/Italian stereotype that squashes pizza ingredients.

The Star Wars figures are just that: figures, as in they will one day be worth several figures and finance my retirement or crippling gambling addiction. They stay.

Everything else, though, is gone. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Toys suck anyway