Predictable consequences ride in the sidecar

See if you can guess where this is going. A helmet-less motorcyclist who was part of a protest against helmet laws:

a) Successfully navigated the roads designated for the route, striking a blow for liberty and proving to all that helmets only protect your virginity.

b) Hit a bump the wrong way, recovered and wondered what could have happened had he fallen without a helmet and made a mental note for future decisions.

c) Donated his brains to the Western New York pavement in an accident that doctors say would not have been fatal had he been wearing a helmet.

If you said c, you’re correct and can probably guess how Ohio’s new guns in bars law will turn out.

Come on in for 75 cent wings!

If you like wings, you’re not alone. Buffalo, barbecue, etc., they are growing in popularity, and that’s actually not a good thing.

Because so many jerks out there like the same bar food that you do, the price of chicken wings is increasing this year. Wings have increased in price by 39% since the 1970s, even with inflation. Last year they cost $1.47 per pound. So we’ll see if gas or wings make it to $3 first.

This is now creating a market for my new idea: buffalo chicken feet!

Virginia is for gun lovers

It’s a big day for RAM members in Virginia, as the House of Delegates has passed a slew of laws to ease gun enforcement in the Commonwealth. Among the best ones which passed the Senate and await signing:

  • Repealing the one-gun-a-month sales limit. Now you can buy all of your relatives guns for Christmas at the last minute.
  • Allowing “gun owners without a concealed carry permit to lock handguns in a vehicle or boat.” Because hiding a gun in your car or boat until it’s time to spring it on someone isn’t the same thing as concealing it.
  • Allowing “those with a concealed carry permit to take hidden guns into restaurants that sell alcohol as long as they don’t drink.” Thank God. There is nobody scarier than the drunk Happy Hourers in TGIFridays. It’s well-documented that bikers drinking Mojo-jitos at the Olive Garden are twice as likely to wedgie you than bikers at home.

But the greatest one of all, which must still pass through the Senate:

  • Banning “localities from being able to prohibit hunting within a half-mile of a subdivision, but allow them to prohibit hunting within a subdivision.” The deer have been allowed to use human shields for too long. Sorry, subdivision-dwellers, but you’re gonna have to put up with some friendly fire. We’re at war, and those who would sacrifice a little safety for liberty deserve neither.

The pink elephant in the room

Americans have made great strides in quitting smoking … well, some Americans.

It turns out that a large percentage of modern smokers don’t support a daily habit nicotine habit, but smoke cigarettes “part-time.” Researchers are trying to figure out why people occasionally indulge in something that’s dangerous, tastes good, relieves stress and gives you something to do with your hands when surrounded by strangers. (In other news: people still eat Hot Pockets between trips to McDonald’s.)

But, of all the scenarios that The Wall Street Journal lays out, they left out the most obvious prompt for casual smokers to indulge: drinking.

It’s well known that booze and smokes go hand-in-hand. Alcohol shares all of the same benefits listed above with tobacco, but also blocks out shameful memories when you go too far with it.

What’s interesting, though, is that the article only focuses on cigarettes. Why not cigars or pipes? What about hookah? It’s pretty obvious that whoever did this research clearly does not smoke.

Sorry, we’re closed

After 77 years behind the bar, Pittsburgh’s Angelo Cammarata, 95, is getting ready for retirement. Well, maybe not.

Cammarata’s bar will be closing down in the next few weeks, which means the longest-serving bartender, according to the Guinness Book of World Records. His sons are 60 and 59, senior citizens themselves, but Cammarata has still helped them with the books and tending bar.

“Their dad is 95, but still coming in every morning, doing the books, and tending bar for an hour or three. Most days he still has the Jim Beam bourbon and Coke that is his drink of choice.”

Folks, this is the end of an era and most of us didn’t even know we were living in it.

(Courtesy of Chris B., who commented, “Road trip.”_

Finally, you can say what you mean

Though you may not know it, the bartenders and waiter who serve you hate your guts. In fact, they have a low opinion of humanity in general, just ask them sometime when you’ve already tipped them. They put on smiles, if they smile at all, and do what they can to keep from tampering with your order. It’s a daily struggle.

Though they may take a long time with your drink, you don’t usually hurl insults at them, especially if you plan on getting that drink. A Spanish bar looks to change your thinking on that. In fact, they encourage insults slinged at their bar staff. So, remember this phrase: Una cerveza, maricon.

Take it from Snee: The Wingman’s Guide

When I was younger and singler, I was a horrible wingman. I was selfish, belligerent and often too drunk to even speak human language. None of my friends ever got laid on my behalf, so it’s amazing I even had any.

Now that I’m married, though, my choices are to either:

  1. cheat on my wife.
  2. live vicariously through my friends.

Since I’m freshly out of debt, I’d rather not finance an ex-wife and date again, so I opt for number 2. What I’ve learned is that it’s easy to be a great wingman, if you have a little inside knowledge on how some women work. Fortunately, I have one around the apartment and have used this experience to create The Wingman’s Guide. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The Wingman’s Guide

Utah: Fun place to drink if you miss Prohibition

You might think ordering a drink at a bar through a pane of glass separating you and the bartender means you’re not in the safest of areas. You’d be wrong. You would have to instead worry if that woman you’re hitting one is one of some guy’s collection of wives.

Yes, in Utah a pane of glass at the bar kept patrons from those serving them booze. Instead, the bartenders would have to walk around the bar and come out to them to serve the drink. These “Zion curtains” are no more, at long last, the law has been repealed. But don’t get thinking drinking in Mormon country is fun yet.

New restaurants have to make drinks in a back room away from customers, because, you know, it’s much safer to drink something you didn’t see mixed, just like at a frat party. Also, you can’t get a drink unless you plan on ordering some food, too. Yes, that’s real.

If everyone was fake jumping off a bridge, would you do it too?

This may come as a surprise, but it turns out that if you’ve had a few and you want to mess with your friends, faking jumping off a bridge may not be the greatest idea.

One Minnesota man found that one out so that we all may benefit. A 23-year old man and his friend were heading back from the bars very late one night, when they crossed over a bridge and suddenly they had a great idea. The man asked his friend to pull over so that he could relieve himself off the bridge. (As any guy will tell you, the only thing better than being able to pee standing up is being able to pee from a great height.) According to police, the man climbed to the ledge of the bridge and pretended to fall off. Funny thing is, he then lost his balance and fell.

Police found him in a marshy area, probably in his own urine. Don’t worry, he’s doing OK and will be back at the bars soon with an awesome new story. Watch out, ladies!

The McBournie Minute: Bars are still fun

People at my last job in their forties told me that I would soon get tired of the bar scene–that after a few years of being able to drink, going to a bar would seem an unlikely and unnecessary choice. After being able to drink for nearly four years, I have found that the answer is yes and no.

When you get into the mode of trying to save cash whenever you can (especially if several of your selfish friends are planning to get married in the same year, and expect you to get hotel rooms and snazzy clothes for each of them), going to the bar doesn’t make any sense. Why would you want to go to a bar and pay much more for a drink you could pour yourself? On top of that, you have to tip the bartender. Don’t skimp on this, people. If you are too broke to tip, you are too broke to be at a bar. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Bars are still fun