This is the worst time of year for sports. Football is over. Baseball isn’t here yet. It’s the dog days of the hockey season. And basketball sucks. Sure, there’s March Madness to look forward to, but that’s just about brackets, not about the sport. Regardless, it’s basketball, which is just barely above racing in terms of sports I care about. If you were busy asking the FBI to go to bat for you this week, odds are you missed it.
Phones can start wars
Kids are always texting and tweeting on the cellphones, right? No one thinks that it’s a bigger problem than Pope Francis. During an address to some students, His Holiness advised the kids to put their phones down at the dinner table and have a real, face-to-face conversation with adults, or else it’s “the start of war if there is no dialogue.” However, the students were too busy plotting their war against adults via text message.
New level of s*&^$y performance
A band made headlines this week after reports surfaced that a failed enema stunt on stage got them banned from a venue in Houston. According to the bar owner, Sonic Rabbit Hole performed on stage, and then one band member gave another member an enema, and the bag burst. And that, Mr. President, is why we need to support the arts.
Joke’s on him
Speaking of disgusting enemas, some guy got dropped from his book deal, as well as a speaking gig at an ultra-conservative conference, and was forced to resign from his job because he argued for child molestation. Moving on.
As with most things in life, watching sports is better with alcohol. It turns out that here in America, if you’re watching a game, you’re probably drunk.
According to a recent poll of Americans who drink, almost no one watches sports without a buzz. Leading the way are football and baseball, with 84% and 78% saying they associate those sports with alcohol, respectively. These are followed by car racing, hockey, horse racing, basketball and boxing. The soberest sports out there, with less than half the respondents associating them with booze, are golf, soccer, beach volleyball and tennis. So basically, the sports people don’t watch anyway.
Now you have actual data to convince the bartender to turn off the Premier League.
Can anyone tell me why we play the National Anthem before sporting events? It’s tradition at this point, but what was the thinking behind it, and when did it start? I bet some time around the beginning of the Cold War, MLB execs thought it would be good for marketing purposes, and every other sport followed. It’s not like we even apply it across the board. The PGA doesn’t play it at all. The NFL charges the military for it. Youth leagues don’t play it. They don’t even open sessions of Congress with it. We all just agree to sit through a minute or so of someone singing about a war we forgot, and we get mad if people don’t stand up or remove their hats while the song is played. If you were busy taking a knee this week, odds are you missed it.
Apple jacks jack
This week, Apple rolled out its latest line of new stuff, which included a new version of a watch no one is buying, and a new version of a smartphone, except without the audio jack everyone uses. Because Steve Jobs didn’t do the presentation, the bad idea was heavily criticized by tech bloggers and consumers alike. In an act of revenge Apple put another new U2 album in the iTunes libraries of every single critic.
Johnson, like rest of America, doesn’t know about Syria
Gary Johnson, the Libertarian presidential nominee and personification of every news article comment section rant, took his message to MSNBC this week, sitting down for a live interview on his ideas. When asked what he would do about Aleppo, asked, “What is Aleppo?” His response question not only cost him credibility points, it cost him $1,600 because he lost his wager on the Daily Double.
Tebow sent to baseball purgatory
The New York Mets signed failed NFL quarterback Tim Tebow to a contract with its minor league system. Because God can troll harder and better than anyone.
I’m pretty excited that preseason football is back — not because I watch it, but that it means real football is right around the corner. My wife and I have to spend a lot of time at home these days because we have a newborn. If it weren’t for the Olympics, there’d be nothing in the way of sports to watch. Late summer baseball is tedious, no one watches golf and NASCAR isn’t a sport. Preseason football is just as unwatchable as anything I just mentioned, but it means there’s hope, and that’s what we all need sometimes. If you were busy signing off of your Comedy Central show this week, odds are you missed it.
What Did Ryan Lochte Do?
This week, American swimmer Ryan Lochte, who probably sees Flea’s hair stylist, reported he and some teammates were robbed at gunpoint during a night out in Rio de Janeiro. Turns out he and his buddies, all of whom are adults, trashed a gas station and urinated all over the place when they weren’t allowed to use the restroom. The truth about the incident wasn’t known for days because of NBC’s tape delay.
Not always greener
According to a recent poll, things aren’t looking good for Green Party presidential nominee Jill Stein. More Texas voters said they would vote for old favorite Deez Nuts. To be fair, they probably thought the pollsters asked if they would vote for Truck Nuts.
Russian ally out of power
Capping off several days of shake-ups, the Trump campaign announced that Paul Manafort would be stepping down as chairman. The guy has experience getting dictators in power, but couldn’t make it happen this one time. The next Trump campaign chairman? You guessed it: Ryan Lochte.
Baseball is back, and old people could not be more excited about it. I’m a casual observer of baseball until after the all-star break, because really those are the only games that matter in a 162-game season. About half the opening day games were postponed because of torrential snow or rain. I think it was a wise move for the MLB to call these games early. If they hadn’t, they would have lost some fans to exposure. Old people are fragile. If you were busy proposing on top of a mountain this week, odds are you missed it.
The side project awakens
This week, the trailer for Rogue One, a new Star Wars movie that takes place around the time of the first trilogy, hit the internet. And because it’s the Star Wars, the internet went bonkers. However, Trump supporters said they have had enough of the liberal Rebellion media coverage. They declared it was bad trade deals that brought down the Old Republic establishment, and the galaxy far, far away needs a firm, authoritarian hand to unite it.
Gays now welcome in Catholic Church
Pope Francis released a letter this week calling for the Catholic Church to be a more welcoming place. He called on priests to be more accepting of single parents, divorced couples and most notably, gay couples. In the very same week it was announced the pope was considering visiting, and this is true, the island of Lesbos. Who’s got the stones to tell the infallible guy it’s not what he thinks?
Racist charicature to get own movie
Warner Brothers confirmed that it is working on a movie about Speedy Gonzalez of Looney Tunes fame. Some people say it’s a bad idea, but I’m excited about a dark, gritty reboot of the cartoon character–sort of like what Warner Brothers did with Superman.
And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.
Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”
The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves. Continue reading →
October is the worst time to be an NFL fan. It’s the month your team spends looking like something Mike Huckabee wants to boycott. They have all their usual colors, but some pink accents here and there in honor of breast cancer awareness month. It’s also a well-documented that the NFL puts as much money toward breast cancer research as it does the effects of repetitive brain trauma. It’s a cheap reach to score some more female viewers and take some of their money. Don’t buy in to the NFL’s pink gear. Also, don’t get a Buccaneers jersey for any reason ever. If you were busy eating a Whopper with a black bun this week, odds are you missed it.
Grown man takes sport too seriously
The Washington Nationals began this season with high hopes, but fell apart as the year wore on. The season’s symbol came this week when pitcher Jonathan Papelbon yelled at Bryce Harper for not running to a base fast enough, even choking Harper when he got back to the dugout. In a veteran move, Papelbon only used his glove hand to choke the team’s star player.
Hurricane trumps Trump
This week, Hurricane Joaquin formed in the Caribbean, spreading fears that it would hit the U.S. East Coast after lashing the Bahamas. The concern grew so much that Donald Trump had to cancel a campaign stop in Virginia Beach, Virginia. In a time when mass shootings are a near-daily occurrence, it’s nice to get some good news.
Sleepy moms have a new choice
A company called Steem has begun selling peanut butter with a large dose of caffeine in it. The company said it can help people cut back on their coffee intake, while enjoying the bliss of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Not to be outdone, Skippy will start putting speed in its peanut butter.
Baseball: The favorite sport of old people and fans of endless amounts of statistics. It’s a slow, monotonous game, which could be part of why no one watches it anymore. But the Miami Marlins may have figured out how to turn it around: play fart noises.
Earlier this week, the Marlins played fart noises during the Washington Nationals’ battling practice before a game. It proved to be such a distraction for the Nats that the brought in their own speakers in an attempt to drown out the farts. The Marlins have denied any wrongdoing, but most people see it as retaliation for the Nationals’ playing soft rock slow jams during their opponents’ batting practice before home games all season long.
How great would it be if there were random fart noises played during the games? Each team could get a certain amount of farts to play during a game, and use them at key moments to throw the other team off.
It’s not easy being a Chicago Cubs fan. The Cubs are a team that, through and through, manages to just foul up and make “this year” not “their year,” and that’s coming from someone who doesn’t even like baseball. That’s how famously bad they are!
As such, it’s understandable that Cubs fans would drink heavily at their games. Unfortunately, drinking tends to make a bladder less reliable, forcing the drinker to need to pee. Double unfortunately, so many Cubs fans were drinking so many beers due to the Cubs being so bad on Opening Day that the lines to use bathrooms at Wrigley Field were THE WORST.
Long lines at the bathroom and drunken fans needing to pee of course led to some fans using their plastic cups as a makeshift urinal. These would be the same plastic cups used to drink beer in. People, if you’re going to get beers at Wrigley Field, please, oh please, make sure that the beers are cold.
In order to market support for the team via the fans, the baseball team has installed a special section in their stadium devoted solely to robots. Because, you know, separate but equal is something that clearly always works as a concept and should never be frowned upon. Fans will be able to upload a snapshot of their face and messages of goodwill and support that can be displayed on the screens of the robots and this is something that can no way end in pictures of genitalia and sexts being uploaded.