Tag: baseball

Cards get a big bat (and a little sac)

Everyone knows that the strongest muscle in a coach's arsenal is his biceps.St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa will be back next season, but that’s not all. He’s bringing Mark McGwire on as the Cards’ new batting coach.

Hm, wonder which pharmacy nutritionist will sponsor his lesson plan.

But, seriously, what can he teach these young batters that isn’t already written on the back of the bottle?

And when they’re having trouble, can they trust him to actually tell them the truth, no matter how unpleasant it may be? (The “silent treatment” doesn’t work in America’s quietest pasttime.)

You Missed It: Caught in a pickle edition

Sometimes at the end of the week I find it hard to concentrate. But this Friday is harder than most. You see, I was at one of those Windows 7 launch parties last night, and let me tell you, it was wild. I am so hung over I am considering never drinking and downloading an operating system ever again. Let’s just say my stomach has uploaded several times. If you were busy flying past your airport this week, odds are you missed it.

The only baseball suspension that doesn’t involve steroids
Steve Phillips works at ESPN’s “Baseball Tonight,” but baseball wasn’t the only night activity he had, and now it’s lead to his suspension. Phillips, 46, had an affair with Brooke Hundley, a 22-year old coworker. It wasn’t even his first affair, but what happened this time was he had the mistake of dating a crazy person who left angry notes on his front door and put an ad on Craigslist offering $50 to harass his wife. Getting called out at home is never fun.

Earhart is still missing
The movie Amelia opens today, amid less than stellar reviews. Critics say the lines are terrible, there is little character development, and the dude who plays Amelia Earhart doesn’t even look like her. Personally, I’d like to see Charles Lindbergh’s life get made into a movie. Not only is there a kidnapping, but there are Nazis, too!

Bada-bing
A Sicilian builder serving a term on house arrest for dumping hazardous waste asked to be transferred back to prison to finish the rest of his sentence in prison. The reason: he wanted to get away from arguments with his wife. I–I don’t know what to say. There’s no punchline for this one. It really happened.

What?! That’s only one per hour!

It’s been a while since we’ve had a story out of Australia. Welcome back, mates.

Sports fans can be rather rowdy. In Europe, they don’t serve alcohol at soccer games, in the U.S., they stop serving beer after the seventh inning. In Australia, they limit the amount of drinks you can have, especially at the ever-popular Barthurst 1000, where fans will be required to scale back their drinking to only 24 beers in a day.

We don’t want race fans getting tipsy, now do we?

Wave the bloody sock

In case you hadn’t heard, Sen. Ted Kennedy died last week. Unlike Chicago, the U.S. Senate does not let dead people vote, so the Commonwealth of Massachusetts is in a wicked pickle. They need to replace Kennedy and they need to do it as soon as state law allows them (five months) so that they can really be represented.

And just like when Superman was died, all of a sudden a bunch of impostors have come crawling out of the woodwork. The list is long, but the most recent name added is that of former Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling.

In a radio interview, Schilling said the Republican party had contacted him about running for the vacant seat, but the limping millionaire was tight lipped as to whether he was thinking about it.

“Asked whether he would run, Schilling said, ‘As of today, probably not.'”

Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. Curt Schilling will seek the vacant seat in the Senate!

You Missed It: What about white guys? edition

If you are reading this, odds are you are not on vacation right now. That’s a good thing, because I am not either, yet it seems that half the world has decided to take their vacation now. If I have to suffer, I’m glad you’re here to suffer with me. If you were busy getting psyched up for the anniversary of the moon landing this week, odds are you missed it.

Next up on C-SPAN theater
Supreme Court Justice nominee Sonia Sotomayor faced several days of senators trying to get in the best sound bite while wrapping it up somehow in the form of a question. In response, Sotomayor responded in an honest, totally not-coached way. But through it all, the most important issue emerged: Sotomayor, pinned by questions, was forced to admit that she is in fact a “Latina woman.”

Oh yeah? Well ‘The Dark Knight’ still holds the top spot!
The latest Harry Potter movie, which we believe has something to do with Harry Potter and a prince of half-blood–or something along those lines, brought in $58 million in a single day, making it the best opening for any of the series, and fourth of any movie ever released. This just goes to show, if you make a movie about a kid’s book exciting enough for children, but dark enough and sexy enough for adults, both demographics will meet in a creepy, creepy middle.

If I have to watch that “Roosevelts” Taco Bell commercial one more time …
Major League Baseball, for the most part, was on a break earlier this week, but fortunately, your baseball viewing was in overtime. The Home Run Derby lasted nearly a fortnight, which resulted in Chris Berman running out of “Back back back back”s (followed by the celebrity softball game, which you know you stuck around for), while the All-Star Game itself clocked in at under three hours. Say, did you know that Albert Pujols plays for the St. Louis Cardinals, where the All-Star Game was being played? Did you know that Fox announcer Joe “Slamalama Ding-Dong” Buck’s father was a famous announcer for the St. Louis Cardinals, where the All-Star Game was being played? In case you didn’t, ESPN and FOX saw to it to remind you once or twice.

The McBournie Minute: Quiet on the tee, please

When I was a kid–wait, where are you going? Stop it. I promise this isn’t some sort of “I remember when” story, despite how the lead sentence sounds. Can we start over again?

When I was a kid, I knew on weekends I could always find my dad watching golf on television. He would eat his lunch, a bologna and cheese sandwich with potato chips mixed in, and sit for hours watching. I tried in earnest several times to watch it with my dad, but my interest always wained.

You see, golf on TV is really, really boring, and this is coming from someone who sits through entire baseball games.

Sure, you can follow along if you know where everyone is and who is leading in the tournament, but the coverage is forced to skip around from one hole to the next after a single shot. This is because nearly every hole has action going on (that’s what she said) and it takes so long for golfers to walk to their next shot. The result is something along the lines of picking up a book, reading page 1, then skipping to page 56, then going to 32, then to page 2 and so on. There’s not much of a story told unless you unscramble it yourself. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Quiet on the tee, please

The McBournie Minute: When do I get to riot?

Pittsburgh and Los Angeles had a heck of a weekend, as I understand it. I didn’t watch either game, mostly because I don’t care about any of the teams, but I know how they turned out. Kobe Bryant has a non-Shaq-related ring, and Bing Sidney Crosby gets to carry around a big silvery cup for a day.

I’m not here to talk about the sports, I’m not even here to talk about why I don’t care about who won and who lost. No, I am here to ask–why not my city? When will I get a chance to burn a police car?

This has been a recurring theme in my life. I never end up living in the city of a championship team, and when one of my teams does win the championship of whatever sport it is they play, everyone heads downtown to climb a few lamp posts and smash some windows. Meanwhile, I’m hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: When do I get to riot?

You Missed It: We interrupt this broadcast edition

It’s not easy writing these things when big, tragic news happens during the week. You see, we can’t just ignore significant happenings, but we can’t make jokes about it either. This week is one of those weeks. I am speaking, of course, about the news that Chastity Bono is getting a sex change. Hope all of you are OK out there. If you were busy checking into rehab for depression and alcoholism–again, Mr. Congressman–odds are you missed it.

The transition will not be televised
By midnight, every television station has to stop broadcasting its analog signals and switch over to digital. This means that over 2 million people who depend on rabbit ears but don’t have a converter will be without their favorite appliance. On a more serious note, this also means that they will be without important information like emergency broadcast-type stuff. But for everyone else, it means you can watch the lame summer shows the big four air during the summer months sharper than ever before!

Tobacco, why do you make us keep hitting you?
Members of Congress, many of whom smoke or are backed by tobacco companies, passed a bill that gives the Food and Drug Administration regulation powers over tobacco. President Barack Obama, who himself smokes, said he looks forward to signing the bill, much like he looked forward to increasing federal taxes on tobacco products earlier this year. So for those of you playing along at home, yes, smoking is still cool, but it’s even cooler to be dependent on the tobacco industry in some way and slight it every chance you get. Self-loathing is what’s hip. Smoke, then hit yourself until you cry.

And ESPN still plays up the rivalry angle
Finishing up their third series of the 2009 season, the Boston Red Sox are a perfect 8-0 against the New York Yankees, a feat that has never happened in 90 or so years of baseball. Not saying that to gloat, or to point out that the Yankees’ season seems to be one of the most happily frustrating season we’ve seen in a while. I am not about to draw any parity to a perfect Boston-based team going up against a New York team some view as underrated. No, there’s no parallel in any other sport. On an unrelated note, how weird was it that there was no Super Bowl this year?

You Missed It: Out come the idiots edition

It’s Friday, and it’s June. It is June, right? OK, good. I am still recovering from a wild weekend. I know, five days is a long time to recover, but man, it was a good time. If you were busy checking out of the hospital after being treated for exhaustion, odds are you missed it.

Now if we can just link this to Bush
Air France Flight 447 crashed into the Atlantic Ocean on its way to Paris from Rio. Everyone died. No wreckage has been found. Actually, only an oil slick has been discovered at this point. The cause of the crash may never actually be known. In other news, 9/11 conspiracy theorists have a new hobby ahead of them.

See! He really is one of them!
Addressing fellow Muslims in Cairo, Egypt this week, President Barack Obama quoted both the Koran and the Bible, while he said it was time for the U.S. and the Islamic world to mend the fences. He also said it was time for Israel to stop settling on the West Bank. This upset Israelis, because difference between the East Bank and the West Bank is like that of West and East Hampton.

Even the mustache is smiling
Randy Johnson got his 300th career win, but that’s really not anything special, because it was against the Washington Nationals, who do not technically play baseball according to modern definitions. But still, the Big Unit got to the 300 mark, making him likely the last person to reach that milestone. He also leads the league in lifetime struck birds.

Bonus!
Sean Hannity interviewed Rush Limbaugh on is FOX News show this week. No one asked questions, they just agreed that they are right about everything.

You Missed It: The mighty have fallen edition

It’s Friday, and by now your NCAA tournament brackets are messed up. Well, that’s what you get for gambling. You do know that it’s illegal, right? At this point, you are probably looking to find some sort of diversion from thinking about the massive losses you have incurred. If you were busy getting stalked by a guy on the set of “Dancing with the Stars,” odds are you missed it.

Everyone get ready for another bracelet campaign
Lance Armstong fell in the first stage of some bike race in Spain, breaking his collar bone. Along with it, Armstrong shattered the hopes and dreams of young Americans everywhere who dream of growing up and pedaling really fast professionally. Luckily, he did not break his Twitter, as evidenced by the fact that he continued tweeting leading up to his surgery. Still being investigated: if tweeting and riding caused the accident in the first place.

Gun gun be gun, gun gun be gun gun
Things are not good for Rihanna. Even though she’s now 21, a year by rights she should not have to remember, she is got a boyfriend who allegedly hits her, she is catching heat for staying with him anyway, and um, Jay-Z probably has something to say about all of it, too. Clearly, it is time for some image recovery. Rihanna knows this, that is why she got a tattoo of a gun  near her right armpit. Perfect! Now we can no longer associate you with violence!

Nobody lies to Congress but Congress
Major League Baseball’s Miguel Tejada was sentenced to one year of probation, a $5,000 fine and 100 hours of community service for lying to Congress about his use of performance enhancing drugs. That’s right folks, let the word go our hence forth that if you want to do illegal drugs and then lie about it to federal lawmakers, all it takes is a fraction of your annual salary, some “Kids, don’t do drugs” public service announcements and a year of double-secret probation. Take THAT! Tejada will probably also have to buy his team, the Houston Astros, all lunch or something, too.