You Missed It: On the cover edition

"Thnx 4 not tweeting the 'Two Virgins' album cover."
“Thnx 4 not tweeting the ‘Two Virgins’ album cover.”

Remember 1998, if you can. Bill Clinton was president, the Spice Girls were considered musicians, and we had two asteroid movies. We went for years and years without a single major “asteroid is coming to end humanity” movie, and then BAM, we get Deep Impact and Armageddon. How does that happen? Well, this year we’re getting two different “White House gets overrun by terrorists” movies. I can’t remember the last time we even had one in that vein, unless you count Air Force One. We need Congressional hearings examining why this is happening. If you were busy asking Kate Upton to your prom this week, odds are you missed it.

The tweet heard round the world
This week, Yoko Ono tweeted a picture of John Lennon’s bloody glasses, with a statement about the thousands of Americans who have been killed by guns since her husband was shot in 1980. It was then retweeted by President Barack Obama’s campaign arm, Organizing for Action, which got people talking. Only thing is, it’s just a cropped photo of Ono’s “Season of Glass” album cover. The photo has existed for over 30 years, but it’s only now gaining popularity, because no one listens to Yoko Ono, and they just assume the picture has a cool Instagram filter on it.

The age-old Harvard-New Mexico rivalry
March Insanity is off and running. Yesterday, the first round began, and productivity in the U.S. dropped significantly. A lot of people are complaining that their brackets are already shot, after Harvard beat New Mexico in a 68-62 stunner. This is not the first or last time that people who went to Harvard made you lose money.

Coming soon to fanfiction
Joe Jonas, who is apparently one of the Jonas brothers, denied rumors that there is a sex tape of he and his girlfriend. The rumor claimed that the video showed Jonas and Blanda Eggenschwiler, what a name, and was shot by a third party. Jonas tweeted, and this is true, “Ball gag? Really? Me?” I think that’s also the title of the next album.

So what does that make UNC?

God’s Gift Achiuwa is an actual name of a person.

God’s Gift Achiuwa is a basketball player, and thus not an alias for Cam Newton.

Most importantly though, God’s Gift Achiuwa will be playing for St. John’s University.

A former juco player, Achiuwa has committed to the Red Storm for next season. He apparently chose the school of Washington and Cincinnati. Luckily, the punctuation is in his first name (sort of?) rather than his last name, so don’t worry too hard about that people that make the jerseys!

Mind you, this isn’t that big of a news item, as, much like Cincinnati, Georgetown and most other teams in the Big East, the day that SJU plays a game in the NCAA Tournament is more often than not the day that God rested.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Hoop Dreams’

Before Hoop Dreams, they didn’t make documentaries like this. Non-fiction films were almost invariably a series of talking heads placed against a backdrop of some kind of studio drapery, intercut with archival footage. After 90 minutes, some critical, cultural subject (say, the Vietnam Memorial, the plight of undernourished children) would be illuminated-with the goal of driving the audience to either run immediately for a museum or to make a donation to some relevant charity.

Hoop Dreams was something different: A three-hour film that documented the lives of two underprivileged black youths, William Gates and Arthur Agee, both trying to make it from high school and street pick-up games to college and eventually professional basketball. Filmmakers Peter Gilbert, Steve James, and Frederick Marx followed these ‘hoop dreams’ for five long years, cutting a mountain of footage into what has become one of cinema’s most beloved and enduring documentaries. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Hoop Dreams’

You Missed It: The Devil’s due edition

You can smell it in the air, can’t you? It’s the smell of hot dogs, freshly cut grass, beer, and vomit. Yes, baseball season is here once again. It’s time to break out the tar, scratch yourself and spit often and for no apparent reason. If you were busy massacring The Beatles’ best work this week, odds are you missed it.

The end of March Craziness
In a case of David vs. Goliath, Good vs. Evil, Justice vs. Crime, Black vs. White, On vs. Off, Up vs. Down and Peanut Butter vs. Jelly, Butler and Duke squared off in the NCAA men’s basketball final. Missing a buzzer-beater and down by two points, Butler fell to Duke, a decision that pleased virtually no one. In other news, someone beat someone else in women’s basketball the other day.

Don’t mess with the perks of a job
Working at a brewery isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, just ask the staff at Carlsberg. Warehouse workers and truck drivers are on strike for the second day in a row. Why? It’s not because of a wage cut, or a mandate for longer hours. No, the bastards are ending their free beer policy. And this, Republicans, is why we have unions.

It took three days–seriously
A man in Oregon beat the world record for points in the video game “Asteroids” during a webcast attempt. We know what you’re thinking. Yes, ladies. He’s still available.

You Missed It: Socialized hyperbole edition

Bryan McBournie is busy this week, currently putting neckties on cats and sombreros on frogs. He really likes sitcoms. As such, I’ll be taking over for your news roundup this week. This is because I’m not busy or swamped with work at the office now; that was yesterday. If you were busy being a former Alaskan governor being granted your own reality show, odds are you missed it.

You got health care in my government

Congress made a fairly historic move by passing a federal health care bill. As a result, nearly half of the United States is horrified by this move, claiming a victim status, with the other near half furiously defending the legislation with a righteous vigor. Truly, the only victims have the been rest of us and our Facebook feed, as we’ve been subjected to nothing but misspelled text arguments. Kids, there is no letter “U” in “federal.”

The games will continue

March Craziness (copyright Bryan McBournie) continues on into the Sweet 16 round. Most of the coverage has been spent on the vaunted Cinderella teams of Northern Iowa, Saint Mary’s, Cornell, Butler and Washington. A lot of news outlets will put a positive spin on these teams, nearly to the point of inspirational. Not this guy. Northern Iowa ruined my bracket for this year and if they go down in a defeat that gives the viewers leprosy, I’m totally fine with that.

Someone’s not living up to their title

A man from Russia managed to solve what’s been decided as one of the world’s most difficult mathematical problems. His reward for doing so? One million dollars and the title of the world’s most cleverest man. He has decided to refuse the money and go back to his cockroach infested flat in Russia. Sounds like someone ain’t quite so smart-like, ain’t’cha college boy?

You Missed It: Spread of insanity edition

If you’re like me, you didn’t really celebrate St. Patrick’s Day on Wednesday–because you have a job that keeps you from getting wasted most weekday nights. I’m celebrating my Irish heritage by binge drinking this weekend–and next weekend. If you were busy cheating on Sandra Bullock, odds are you missed it.

Are you ready to watch an orange ball go through a hoop with a net attached?
The NCAA men’s basketball tournament, or as I call it, March Craziness (trademark), is now underway. This means that if you like basketball in any way, you will accomplish nothing at work for the next couple weeks. For some of us, it means paying attention to colleges we’ve never heard of. It also means it’s time to gamble on things like how hoarse(r) Dick Vitale will get if Duke does well.

Death by Biden
As previously mentioned, St. Patrick’s Day was celebrated by Catholics, Irish and drunkards around the world. In a ceremony with Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen Wednesday, Vice President Joe Biden honored the memory of Cowen’s mother–who, as it turns out, is still alive. In Irish tradition, Cowen broke down crying, lamenting the loss of his mother and ordered a hog’s head of whisky.

There’s always the reality show money
In “this thing still isn’t over with?” news, a judge decided that Anna Nicole Smith’s estate will not get the $300 million she had claimed was promised to her after her 90-year-old husband died. So, take that, 3-year-old whose mother and brother are dead, and whose father was identified by DNA test because there were several paternity candidates!

The McBournie Minute: When do I get to riot?

Pittsburgh and Los Angeles had a heck of a weekend, as I understand it. I didn’t watch either game, mostly because I don’t care about any of the teams, but I know how they turned out. Kobe Bryant has a non-Shaq-related ring, and Bing Sidney Crosby gets to carry around a big silvery cup for a day.

I’m not here to talk about the sports, I’m not even here to talk about why I don’t care about who won and who lost. No, I am here to ask–why not my city? When will I get a chance to burn a police car?

This has been a recurring theme in my life. I never end up living in the city of a championship team, and when one of my teams does win the championship of whatever sport it is they play, everyone heads downtown to climb a few lamp posts and smash some windows. Meanwhile, I’m hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: When do I get to riot?

How To: Enjoy the Olympics

You may not have heard, but tomorrow they are holding the opening ceremonies for the 2008 Beijing Olympics. This means that there will be all kinds of fun sports to watch, like people running, people running and jumping, and people running, jumping and dunking. But since the Olympics only come every couple years (by our count), you may be out of practice. This might make you sad or afraid. Fear not, The Guys are here to show you how to enjoy the Olympics. Continue reading How To: Enjoy the Olympics

Justice, finally, for the disabled

Police in Queensland, Australia charged a 64-year-old disabled man for “drink driving” (isn’t the Queen’s English the cutest?) … his wheelchair.

He was found asleep in the middle of the highway with a BAC of .301, which is over six times the legal limit. Traffic was forced to swerve around him.

At news of this poor man’s capture, all this blog can say is finally. Handicapped people get everything, from premium parking to their own Olympics, and we are sick and tired of it.

Sure, it’s sad they can’t walk, but we can’t palm a basketball. Where’s our multi-million-dollar Special NBA contracts? We also can’t roll our tongues when speaking Español, but our speech impediment didn’t get us into any special schools. But we’re digressing.

Point is, it’s about time someone levelled the playing field for those of us who don’t get to sit down all day.

Eat My Sports: Jersey watch

With last week’s putrid display of green jerseys from teams that have absolutely no Irish background (New York Knicks and Chicago Bulls to name a few), it’s time to analyze the top five worst jerseys of all-time. These were wardrobe malfunctions that teams actually agreed on. Basically its the sports equivalent of Roseanne Barr wearing that taped on J-Lo dress everyone got so hyped up about (Is that a dated reference now? Am I getting old?). Continue reading Eat My Sports: Jersey watch