The other day I got an email from Yahoo telling me it’s time to renew the fantasy football league I run. Yahoo, and football, and f&#$ off. It’s April, this is not football time. This is baseball time. This is playoff hockey time. Yes, it’s even playoff basketball time. I don’t care about the NFL season schedule’s release. I don’t care about the NFL draft. Football can some find me in August. Until then, it can go back to sweeping scandals under the rug. If you were busy complaining about how hard it is being president this week, odds are you missed it.
For those who only look like they work hard
This decade, whatever we end up calling it, probably isn’t going to be known for its fashion. A week after those clear-legged jeans hit the market, Nordstrom answered back with jeans that already look muddy. For just $425, you can dress like the day laborers you pay less than minimum wage.
It’s never OK to joke about suicide
This week, the Netflix faced criticism over its show 13 Reasons Why and its depiction of suicide. Critics said that the sensitive topic should have been handled more responsibly, and that it’s way too early to be profiting off of the Aaron Hernandez story.
Airline kills bunny
United Airlines’ PR turbulence continues this week when a breeder reported that a giant rabbit died on a United flight from the U.K. to Chicago. The airline apologized for the incident, and sent its condolences to the owner, but said the rabbit refused to give up its seat, and authorities had to step in.
I really don’t care about the pregnant giraffe. I don’t understand how it even went viral in the first place. Everyone loves baby animals, but not that many people actually want to see said baby animals being born live via webcam. In terms of cultural things I just don’t see the appeal of, this is up there with the Dave Matthews Band, reality television and basketball. If you were busy breaking it off with Aaron Rodgers this week, odds are you missed it.
White girl solves racism
This week, Pepsi released an ad that featured noted young rich person Kendall Jenner joining a crowd of protesters holding signs reading “Join the Conversation!” and giving a police officer a can of Pepsi. The ad was criticized for trivializing the Black Lives Matter movement to sell sugar water. Executives were shocked that a crowd of diverse stereotypes, music, and a message so general it’s meaningless didn’t work. After all, it worked for Coke 46 years ago.
Rickles dies 50 years later than average for comics
Comedy legend Don Rickles died on Thursday at the age of 90. He is being mourned by the standup comedy community, and remembered as a comedian perhaps the last of his kind. But the real question is, who thought it was a good idea to book him at that Syrian air base?
More scripted fun with Jimmy Fallon
This week, Universal Orlando held the grand opening for a ride based on Jimmy Fallon and The Tonight Show. The ride is described as a jaunt through New York City, but no matter how fast he goes, Fallon just can’t seem to catch Stephen Colbert.
It’s March Mental Illness Awareness Month, and that means college basketball and illegal gambling on it. We hope your bracket is still intact, and your manhood is recovering nicely.
Apparently some urologists report seeing a big increase in vasectomies this time of year, and they believe it’s because of March Madness. The doctors say many men schedule their vasectomies now so they can sit around watching basketball and be free of harassment. This is ingenious, if it really is a nationwide trend. Not only do you get your wife to leave you alone, but you can get a few days of paid medical leave while you recover.
We made it through that whole thing without making a ball joke. Look at us.
This is the worst time of year for sports. Football is over. Baseball isn’t here yet. It’s the dog days of the hockey season. And basketball sucks. Sure, there’s March Madness to look forward to, but that’s just about brackets, not about the sport. Regardless, it’s basketball, which is just barely above racing in terms of sports I care about. If you were busy asking the FBI to go to bat for you this week, odds are you missed it.
Phones can start wars
Kids are always texting and tweeting on the cellphones, right? No one thinks that it’s a bigger problem than Pope Francis. During an address to some students, His Holiness advised the kids to put their phones down at the dinner table and have a real, face-to-face conversation with adults, or else it’s “the start of war if there is no dialogue.” However, the students were too busy plotting their war against adults via text message.
New level of s*&^$y performance
A band made headlines this week after reports surfaced that a failed enema stunt on stage got them banned from a venue in Houston. According to the bar owner, Sonic Rabbit Hole performed on stage, and then one band member gave another member an enema, and the bag burst. And that, Mr. President, is why we need to support the arts.
Joke’s on him
Speaking of disgusting enemas, some guy got dropped from his book deal, as well as a speaking gig at an ultra-conservative conference, and was forced to resign from his job because he argued for child molestation. Moving on.
Bryan Schools has gone to defend his home planet from invaders. He sent us this message to share with you in the meantime.
Anyone who knows anything about futility in sports knows that Cleveland is one of the most destitute locations of all-time. Currently, what Google has deemed the saddest place on the planet, has gone 52 years without a professional championship in any sport, and now the Cavaliers are trying to dupe the population into one more ride.
As much as I have been on LeBron James’ side since he atoned for taking his talents to South Beach, the chosen one is now leading the Cavs into a potential onslaught by either the Golden State Warriors or Oklahoma City Thunder when the real NBA Finals (the Western Conference Finals) are done.
Just from knowing history, and how Cleveland has come so close before before losing in ways only Cleveland can (The Drive for the Browns and losing to the Marlins while being up with two outs to go in the 1997 World Series), this team is destined for an epic collapse. Because, well, that’s the only thing it can do well.
Bryan McBournie is off today, the rumor going around is that he’s holed up in his apartment with a bottle of NyQuil mumbling something about Clay Buchholz to his turtle. We assume he’ll be back next week, you know, unless we have to check him into rehab for his addiction to “the Quil.” Anyway, it’s been a busy news week and if you were busy getting rightfully judged for crimes committed in the state of Massachusetts, odds are you missed it.
One for the thumb
The Duke Blue Devils won their fifth NCAA men’s basketball championship this week, knocking off Wisconsin 68-63. The game featured some questionable officiating in the second half as the Blue Devils were able to come back from nine late and give Duke fanboys a reason to wear a quintuple-popped collar.
Kurt Cobain, remember him? Anyway, he had a daughter with Courtney Love a while back, Frances Bean Cobain. She decided to do an interview with Rolling Stone about her deceased rock star dad. During the interview, she was quoted as saying “I don’t really like Nirvana.” It’s still a better answer than most 23-year-olds today who either say “Who?” or “I just liked the smiley face t-shirt.”
Wel, that’s not fare
Kansas (the most progressive state since Illinois) is banning the use of welfare funds on anything … fun. That’s right folks, no more tattoos, booze, vacations or vacations where you get tattoos of booze. From now on welfare recipients will have to spend our government the good old fashioned way, on groceries and life supplies for their family.
It’s March Madness time again. It’s the time where everyone acts like they care about basketball, much less college basketball, and the nation looks the other way on illegal gambling. We have to act like we care about it, because for a few weeks, it’s everywhere. CBS has every single one of its networks airing as many games as possible, some of which feature commentary by Charles Barkley for some reason. All of this coverage, and the ad revenue it brings in, and not one cent for mental illness research. I call that a sham. If you were busy filling out a bracket this week, odds are you missed it.
Bag-o-wine: The silent killer
This week, a class-action lawsuit was filed against 30 California winemakers, the ones that make the cheap stuff your girlfriend and her drunk friends always get. They lawsuit claims that the cheap wines have more arsenic in them than should be fit for public consumption. So if you care about your health and your wallet, drink liquor.
A Schocking turn of events
This week, Rep. Aaron Schock, R-Ill., said he plans to resign from Congress amid a scandal involving improper funding for campaigns and travel, as well as failure to report gifts of money from donors. The FBI investigation is a black eye for what is otherwise seen as the incorruptible state of Illinois. Schock’s pending resignation also leaves Congress without its most rockingly-named member. That honor now falls to, you guessed it, Rep. Rodney P. Frelinghuysen, R-N.J.
Still better than Vegas Vacation
Actor and noted crazy person Randy Quaid posted his a new video online this week, his latest in a series of ranty videos from his hideout somewhere in Canada. In it, he rants about how Rupert Murdoch hasn’t thanked him properly for his work in Independence Day. He then has his wife put on a Murdoch mask and simulates having sex with her. What’s worse, is that it’s mostly the same stuff he and his wife have done in previous videos. Does anyone not see this story ending in a muder-suicide?
Two girls prep school basketball teams from Murfreesboro, Tenn. — Riverdale, a state champion in 2013, and Smyrna — were caught deliberately trying to out-tank each other for an easier playoff opponent. As each team tried harder and harder to lose, the play got so embarrassing that refs stopped the game after a Smyrna player tried to shoot at her own hoop.
Both teams have been fined $1500 each, which is a lot of car washes and candy bar sales, and placed on probation for one year.
The winners, as always, are the parents and spectators, who will now have one less round of high school basketball to pretend to enjoy.
[Special thanks to Patrick H. for bounce-passing this our way.]
I want to form my own rock ‘n roll hall of fame. Anyone can do it, if they have the money. You just get a bunch of your music loving friends together, declare yourselves an authority, and bands will just show up to play for you. You don’t need to oversee modern music, nor do you need to root out doping. It’s not like musicians around the collectively said they want their names to be immortalized in the armpit of Ohio. Someone one day said that they were going to be the master of music and everyone went along with it. If you were busy being named as David Letterman’s heir this week, odds are you missed it.
March Mental Illness comes to an end
This week, the University of Connecticut women’s basketball team one the NCAA tournament, and just days later, their male counterparts did the same thing. So of course, the school rioted. This year’s men’s tournament made everyone think the same three things: 1) You are stupid for filling out a bracket every year, 2) those entitled jerks from Connecticut will be insufferable, 3) at least it wasn’t Duke.
Seven decades is a pretty good run
Fans of the iconic Archie comic book character, at least the five still living, were up in arms this week when it was announced that the title character will bite the big one in an upcoming issue of “Life with Archie.” This is apparently a different universe from the original Archie series, so the ginger will live on in other books. How will Archie die? Defeated at the hands of his enemy, Doomsday.
The internet got quite a security scare when it was revealed that a major security flaw found on servers of major websites running outdated firmware, called Heartbleed. This caused pretty much everyone to change their passwords, and high school bands to change their name.