Let’s hope she kept it down during her contractions

Flying comes with its own list of headaches, including headaches caused by cabin pressurization problems, but nothing is worse than a crying baby. Especially a crying baby that has their own seat in First Class.

But, one mother took one for the team and held her baby inside of her for an entire flight to Baltimore/Washington International Thurgood Marshall Airport — even during the stressful taxiing/everyone clutching their carry-ons to bolt out the jetway first standoff. She waited until safely well within Concourse D to finally take her baby out in … ugh … one of BWI’s bathrooms.

While fellow passengers applauded her ability to keep her baby out of earshot and sight, the airlines have banded together to speak out against this before it becomes trendier than those weird napkin papooses. They stated very clearly that “keeping a baby within one’s body does not void checked baggage fees for baby supplies upon delivery on airport property.”

Hey! That baby’s recyclable!

Dawa Lama of Queens, N.Y., was arrested for allegedly dumping her baby in a trash can in the hospital bathroom where she gave birth to it.

The baby was found by the next person to use the bathroom, who still maintains that–although disturbing–the baby, amniotic fluid and uterus parts still beat what’s normally left on and around the seat.

According to police, Lama has been charged with assault, reckless endangerment and violating Elmhurst Hospital’s return policy on newborns.

The toilet paper is too damn high!

Unfortunately, as always in life there are goodniks and no-goodniks. More often than not, the no-goodniks tend to cost us more in life, whether it be a financial or intangible expense. No-goodniks, it would seem, have cost the people that use the bathrooms at the New Rochelle train station in New York said bathrooms. Cue puns stating crappy behavior and whatnot.

Obviously, there’s been a bit of an economic crunch over the past couple of years, if you haven’t noticed, and while we’re slowly getting out of it, the emphasis is on slowly. As such, things like repairs tend to cost a fair amount of money, though the city government might say too much money, and the bathrooms are being closed. However, this has angered many (dare I say tens of tens?) patrons who use the restrooms. Coincidentally enough, the bathrooms on the trains themselves haven’t actually been closed.

I can’t understand why someone would actually want to use a public restroom, much less at a train station, but there are apparently those that do. Why would you do such a thing?

Take it from Snee: Be very afraid

When I read that a dead body had been found in one of the Los Angeles International Airports’ bathrooms, I said, “Thank God.”

What? That’s not good news? How do you figure?

I didn’t hear any of what you just said because this is text on your computer screen, but I will tell you why I feel better knowing that there was a corpse in the bathroom of a heavily trafficked public area: he made it.

What I mean is that, when I die, my body will release whatever waste is inside of it. I always figured that meant I was guaranteed to soil my pants, bed or coat closet. But, this guy made it to the bathroom before it could happen. I could make it too.

So, that’s one fear allayed of many. Let’s take a look at some of the others. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Be very afraid

Ask Dr. Snee: A weighty issue

Dear Dr. Snee,

I hate summer. I hate buying swimsuits. What can I do to lose some weight in a matter of weeks?

–Newark, NJ

You know, I’ve received a few of these letters recently, and not just from women. Thanks to feminism, more women are working hard in Hollywood to pass their neuroses onto men.

As a doctor with no endorsements (WTF?!), let me first say that fad diets are a hoax. They don’t work. If they do work, they don’t work properly. They’re all temporary diets, so you’ll go back to eating from the horse trough just as you did before, gaining back all the weight and then some.

I subscribe a variety of techniques to my patients depending on their personality and degree of obesity. Feel free to try any of these and then call me the morning after you become hot. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: A weighty issue

Take it from Snee: Communication’s gone to s#*t

20,000 B.C.

I am alarmed by the cries of my kinsman, Ook, and seek him out. I find him behind a large stone some paces away from our lean-to: a temporary lodging made of sticks, leaves and hides that we use on longer hunting trips.

There Ook is squatting above the ground, making his morning constitutional. I steel myself, expecting to apply suction to a poisonous snake wound or kill a stalking saber tooth cat.

Ook makes a strange sound: “Look.”

I cock my head sideways and scratch my armpit to signal that I do not understand.

Ook makes the same sound again, this time pointing down. “Look.” He then adds more strange utterances: “Look what I make.”

He perceives that I still don’t understand and stands up, pointing down at a semi-swirled pile of feces. “Poop,” he says as he points to it. “I make poop. You see.”

I realize that Ook has started using language and has chosen to demonstrate this by calling me during his “brown time.” Continue reading Take it from Snee: Communication’s gone to s#*t

They also charge for b’day usage

For the employees of a meat packing plant in England, it is the worst of times, but certainly not the best of times.

A local labor union is saying that Brown Brothers is forcing employees to clock out when they make trips to the bathroom, a practice the union calls “Dickensian.” This is seen as an affront to the common worker, who proudly gets paid for his or her 20 minutes on the can a little after lunch. How else can one catch up on the news?

Perhaps even more Dickensian of Brown Brothers is that it automatically fires anyone who asks for more gruel.