For years — nay, decades — people have been arguing about which famous city Gotham City is a comic book stand-in for: Chicago or New York City. It would seem that a late night in late February has proven that it’s neither. No, Gotham must actually be Bradford, England, because that’s where Batman has showed up.

A wanted criminal was brought into a police station by the caped crusader on Feb. 25. Security stills show that “he, who is the night” looks less like something out of the mind of Neal Adams or Kelley Jones and more like Adam West … at his current age.

“Batman came into the helpdesk, stated to the staff ‘I’ve caught this one for you’ and then promptly vanished into the night to fight crime and the fear of crime in Bradford.”

And now the police know how that feels.

You Missed It: Backfire edition

"I've asked Batman here to personally train all of the volunteers."
“I’ve asked Batman here to personally train the volunteers.”

So, when’s the next Doomsday estimate? Does anyone know? For a couple years now, it’s been one after another. We had the crazy guy with the church (which could be said for pretty much any End of Days prediction, really), saying the world was going to end two different times. Today, we proved the Mayans wrong. At some point, waiting for the world to end turns into wanting the world to end. If you were raptured this week, odds are you missed it.

A cop on every corner
Exactly one week after 26 people, including 20 elementary-school students, were murdered at the hands of a crazed shooter with legally-acquired assault weapons, the NRA broke its silence. The NRA’s Wayne LaPierre blamed the media, video games, movies, music videos, natural disasters, the Obama administration and more as the cause of the shooting. But not guns. The group called for an armed police officer to be assigned to every school in the U.S., and if funding can’t be found, have armed volunteers patrol instead. Because the only thing that can keep an armed stranger from roaming the halls of our schools is an armed stranger roaming the halls of our schools.

The long, strange lives of Olympians
Olympians may live longer than the average human because they lead active lifestyles, according to a study released this week. In unrelated news, The Smoking Gun found that former Olympian Suzy Favor Hamilton has been making money lately as an escort in Las Vegas, charging $600 an hour. Favor Hamilton said she looks forward to outliving her coworkers.

Person of the Year: The Year
TIME named President Barack Obama its person of the year, the second time he has won the honor. Obama beat out the Higgs Boson. After naming “the protester” the person of 2011, I’m just glad that the venerable magazine remembered to give the award to a specific person, rather than a group of persons, or you know, a theoretical particle.

Argintar thinks Batman was symbol of inspiration, is actually symbol of daaaaark vengeance

At least he didn't go with Sandusky BatmanRemember Matthew Argintar? The guy we told you about yesterday that thought it’d be great to dress up as Batman and parade around a Home Depot parking lot?

It’s now been revealed that he did so because he thought it’d be inspirational.

“… What I was doing was not seen the way I wanted it to be seen,” Argintar told The Express-Times this afternoon. “I understand it was (expletive) timing and everything. I get that.”

It probably would’ve been a lot more inspirational to hold a bake sale in the Home Depot parking lot. And potentially dress up as Batman while doing so. Bake Sale Batman would be awesome.

This Dark Knight won’t be rising anytime soon

Maybe that's what he was missing.Matthew Argintar isn’t vengeance. Matthew Argintar isn’t the night. Matthew Argintar is … not … BATMAN!

What Matthew Argintar is is under arrest for charges of disorderly conduct and possession of handcuffs.

This happens when Argintar decided to dress up as the caped crusader, sans cape, and patrol around a Home Depot parking lot. Some might say that his intentions were good, as he was asking customers if they needed help because he was here to “save the day.” Most would say that after the events of Aurora, Colorado, his intentions were ill-timed at best, but most probably stupid and idiotic. This resulted in the local law enforcement being called to the do it yourself superstore.

We’re not exactly saying that Argintar is a bad Batman. We’re just saying that he’s not a good Batman if he got arrested. And if his cape isn’t Norm Breyfogle-esque.

You don’t see this type of thing happening to Catman

The Joker. Hugo Strange. Bane. Leviathan. Doctor Simon Hurt. All of these villains are seriously contenders for the greatest adversary to Batman, and yet, none a one of them can claim it. Oh sure, they’ve all done some incredibly crippling (some literally more than others) acts of terror to the Caped Crusader, but when it comes down to it, they’re not the worst enemy of dark vengeance.

No, that would be Captain Paul Starks of the Montgomery County (Maryland) police department.

Holy leaked memos, Putin!

The last WikiLeaks revelation of U.S. State Department secret documents have hit most world leaders in one way or another. But one leader’s response to our foreign relations mean girl tactics is much funnier than the others.

Vladimir Putin has objected to a U.S. cable that described him as the “alpha dog,” the Batman to Totally Russian President Dimitri Medvedev’s Robin.

Putin condemned the comparison as “slanderous,” adding, “I only asked him to dress that way once. It was my birthday.”

God hates mylar bags

You know what’s sad? When Fred Phelps and the Westboro “Totally Not Gay” Baptists make it to Comic-Con before we do.

Phelps plans to picket the world-famous comic book convention because he believes nerds worship comic characters instead of Phelps Jesus. He hopes to encourage attendees to put down the action figures and pick up a Bible, warning them that

“The destruction of this nation is imminent – so start calling on Batman and Superman now, see if they can pull you from the mess that you have created with all your silly idolatry.”‘

Well, Fred, we’ve tried that. And as much as we’ve prayed for Jesus to slap the blasphemy out of you, it’s more likely that someone dressed as Aquaman will finally do it.

So, thanks for converting us over to the church of a comics character based on Greek (read: butt-loving) paganism.

(Special thanks to Matt Staggs.)

Our heroes are criminals

We have some bad news for you, folks. Superheroes, once thought to be instruments of good in a world on a speedy moral decline, are actually bad. First, we find out that Captain America was arrested after putting a burrito in his pants and drunkenly harassing a woman, now the Los Angeles Police Department is rounding up superheroes.

Famous names like Spider-man, Batman and Michael Jackson are getting arrested for “unlicensed” portrayal of their characters in Hollywood. The official story is that these are street actors who stand outside places like Grauman’s Chinese Theater posing with tourists, but we know they are real. Now they’re in handcuffs, as if those can hold them.

This angers the guy who plays the Hulk, which actually works out well for him.

Take it from Snee: Dickens couldn’t take this

Not Another Christmas Carole would make a great Wayans movie ... for a Wayans movie.When it comes to movies, I can see where I come across as a bit of a jerk. In the past, I’ve accused Roland Emmerich of international terrorism (twice), Harry Potter movies of insidious Britishness and Michael Bay of not understanding the sounds and shapes that make up the world as we know it.

So, yeah, maybe I’m equal parts film alarmist and snob. And you know what? I’m trying to become a better man.

But, then I have to sit through previews for:

  • Another remake of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol.
  • Another unsettling motion capture flick from Robert Zemekis.
  • Jim Carrey embracing his inner Eddie Murphy … and Eddie Murphy … and Eddie Murphy.

All in one movie. (F#%k off, self-improvement.)

That’s right, coming this November, the worst elements of modern film, brought to you by the most repetitive actor in comedy and Disney are going to force you to sit through Charles Dickens’ most boring morality tale, yet. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Dickens couldn’t take this

A Fox as a cat? Now we’ve seen everything

Ever since Christopher Nolan announced that he would make another Batman movie, the rumor mill has wondered who the villain(s) will be and–more importantly–who will be cast and naysayed until they die.

Today’s rumor comes from MTV UK, and it presents Megan Fox as the possible new Catwoman.

Comparing this version of Catwoman to previous ones, The Sun (a trustworthy source, indeed) said that Fox plans to make the character “more sinister,” having “a darker edge” and “not being able to act her way into a nude scene.”