Your average Wal-Mart is a pretty crazy place. And it’s not just the constantanimalattacks. So naturally, that’s where you’d find Batman.
In Fort Worth, Texas, a man picked the wrong store to steal DVDs from. He was trying to get away with a bunch of movies, including The Lego Batman Movie, when the Caped Crusader himself swooped in and arrested him. Damon Cole is an officer with the Fort Worth police, and he dressed up like Batman and other superheroes visiting area children battling illnesses. (Apparently Fort Worth keeps its sick kids inside a Wal-Mart?)
The suspect was only charged with a citation because the total value was less than $100 and was released uninjured after a selfie with the Dark Knight. That’s how you know he’s not the real Batman.
Ever wonder why people you haven’t talked to since high school seem so different on Facebook now? If you think those people changed, science says you’re right.
According to a personality study in the U.K., pretty much everyone changes over time. In 1947, researchers conducted personality tests on a bunch of 14-year-olds, grading them on self-confidence, perseverance, stability of moods, conscientiousness, originality, and desire to excel. Then a new team caught up with those same subjects 63 years later and found that basically none of them kept the same levels of those six traits as they did all those years ago.
Science just suggested that Batman wouldn’t be Batman because he would have gotten over it. Thanks for ruining our fun, science.
Superhero movies this summer, while mostly disappointing, all dealt with whether vigilantes with superpowers should be held accountable and controlled by society. So it’s fitting that this is now a real-world issue.
In upstate New York, a man in a Batman costume and a Captain America mask stole a couple cases of Budweiser (“America”) from a convenience store. Because when you have a superhero thirst, one case just isn’t going to do it. Was this Batman? Was this Captain America? Or was this a clever commentary on how superhero movies have devolved into two-hour-long beer commercials? Who can save us from this menace?
One thing we do know: the runs won’t just be in the tights.
I write on the Internet, so it’s pretty obvious that I am a geek, and that status conveys interest in other geeky topics, like comics, science fiction and wanting Neil deGrasse Tyson to be my friend. (I understand that best friends aren’t made overnight.)
But, one of my other geeky pastimes is pretending to hold a professional license in medicine or law to argue online, especially when it applies to more traditional geek topics like why Wolverine’s forearms and hands are illegal everywhere switchblades are banned.
It’s a great time to be alive, people! Today, if you live in North America, is Pi Day, because it’s 3/14. Man, math humor just always kills. It’s also another holiday for guys, but we won’t get into that because your boss could be looking over your shoulder. On top of that it’s what Guinness is calling “St. Patrick’s Weekend.” So basically, your liver has a lot of work ahead of it. But before you get started, read this. If you were busy relaunching a Carl Sagan show this week, odds are you missed it.
This is my son, Bushmaster
No one names their kids anything normal anymore, but things are getting worse. According to a recent analysis of baby names, there’s a new trend of people naming their offspring after firearms. No, really. Barrett, Beretta, Browning, Cannon, Colt, Gauge, Gunner, Kimber, Magnum, Remington, Ruger, Savage, Shooter, Trigger and Wesson are all name trends. These parents probably name their guns “Steve.”
Better odds of getting a Batman or Iron Man
Hold on to your monocle for this one: America has more millionaires now than it ever had before. According to a recent study, in 2013 the number of U.S. millionaires jumped to 9.6 million, adding 600,000 from 2012. It’s also higher than the previous record of 9.2. million, which was set in 2007. You can probably guess what happened to those numbers in 2008. I’d like to personally congratulate all of our millionaire readers on their good fortune, and suggest that they all check out our merch.
Walter Williams, the Mississippi man who made headlines when he woke up in a body bag a couple weeks ago, died this week. Or did he?
If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’ve survived another year. We made it through a perilous 2013, filled with bad things happening, disappointing movies and famous people saying things they later related. Plus, one guy had an imaginary girlfriend. It was another year of everyone talking to each other, then eventually realizing that no one was listening, so they began shouting over each other. It’s time to close out the year, and good riddance. Join me as we look back on the insanity that was 2013. Self-medication is recommended.
Happy fiscal cliff!
In the first week of the year, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.
Juicers need not apply
The Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2013 was … no one. No candidate received the necessary 75% of the vote needed to be inducted, it’s the first time that’s happened since 1996. For some reason, the sports writers who cheered on the steroid-era players like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and others, decided they weren’t inspired by these cheaters. It seemed like a pretty stupid move. You don’t want to make juicers mad.
The inauguration was dubbed over
President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were sworn in for a second term in a small ceremony. Then, they were sworn in again the next day, because that was Martin Luther King Day, and they had already gone through the trouble of setting up streamers. Obama laid out his plan for the next four years, including some ideas he had hardly mentioned before. But who cares about covering any of that stuff? The media were more concerned about whether Beyoncé lip-synched. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2013 edition
While we comment on a lot of pressing news stories every day, you might have noticed that we’ve conspicuously avoided one recent major story. As comedy writers, we often cross the boundaries of good taste to joke about taboo or sensitive topics. But, in this particular story’s case, emotions have been way too high for even our usual brand of snark.
That said, The Guys feel it’s been long enough for us to comment on Ben Affleck as Batman. And, by that, we mean to make fun of how much his wife really likes being with Batman. (Emphasis ours below.)
‘I was excited for him,’ Garner told MTV News. ‘I was excited because he had a real take on what he wanted to do, and you know, I have to say, my husband is a pretty great storyteller himself, and I’m excited to watch him do it.’
At this point, we’re certain Ms. Garner is just glad that Affleck has a new cowl to rotate into their bedtime routine. Let’s just say it’s been a long time since he was a Daredevil in the sack.
This summer has been kind of a disappointment, hasn’t it? Pretty much every major movie release was a flop, and the best ones struggled to break even. “Blurred Lines,” what many call the song of the summer, may have been lifted from a song from the 1970s, plus, it’s by the son of actor Alan Thicke, which is just weird. We haven’t even had a decent hurricane to complain about so far this year. I want a refund. If you were busy worrying about what a CEO looks like in Vogue magazine, odds are you missed it.
Gotham City is now Boston
The internet was set ablaze when it was announced that Ben Affleck will be the next Batman in the sequel to this year’s Man of Steel. Pretty much everyone hated the idea that Affleck who has written, starred in and directed some critically-acclaimed movies in reason years, would play the Caped Crusader. But they always say that. People said Val Kilmer couldn’t be Batman, didn’t they?
Everyone goes there this time of year
This week, it was discovered that a man had been living in Jennifer Lopez’s unoccupied house in the Hamptons without being discovered for six days. The man, who claimed to be Lopez’s ex-husband, holed up in the mansion’s pool house and posted things on his Facebook account declaring his love for the singer/actress. He went unnoticed by security staff, even though his car was parked out front. The only thing that got him out was the news that he was cast as the next Batman.
Return of the walrus
Even though it’s pretty much illegal everywhere, the owner of one of John Lennon’s teeth has handed over his prize in hopes that scientists will be able to clone the dead Beatle. If it did work, the Lennon clone would not have any of the original’s memories, skills or philosophies. They should clone Ringo next, there’s no way he could hit the life jackpot twice in a row, right?
Fellipe Soliz claims that he and his family were having a normal Sunday evening when out of nowhere, bats swarmed his living room. Baby bats, old bats, normal bats, all kinds of flying rodents! Normally we’d be on the side of poor Mr. Soliz, but …
… there’s a problem. Ambushing enemies with a plethora of bats is a familiar tactic of one of The Guys’ heroes, Batman. Not only does he put our enemies to use in the fight for justice, but in doing so, he disorients the bats. Ingenious! As such, this “attack” by the bats sure seems awfully familiar.
Now, we’re not at all saying that Soliz is a criminal at any level, certainly not. We’re just saying this: Calendar Man is still out there.