The war against our multi-legged enemies continues. Just when we thought we were making ground, the animals begin their invasion plots and in our most sacred areas! Not a place is safe!
Don’t let this continue. Stamp out any animals you see.
Ladies, if you’ve ever wondered why men finish so much faster when it comes to mating, science finally has an answer: “Sex kills.”
That answer comes from Stefan Grief of the Max Planck Institute for Ornithology in Seewiesen, Germany, whose team studied bats that hone in on mating flies for buffet-style dining. At night, the flies hang out on the ceilings of barns, which makes them undetectable to bats. But, when the mood strikes, the flies become loud with passion, broadcasting their location.
This, along with other studies, prove that a number of species are at greater risk of predation during mating as the male is weakened and distracted while thinking of dead puppies so that you can finish, ladies. So, maybe the next time your man finishes too quickly, you should thank him. What if there was a bear nearby?
They’ve had enough and they won’t take it anymore!
Sadly, the “they” in question are our enemies. Bats have invaded a piece of history in Tifton, Georgia. And they are legion. It’s being reported that more than a thousand of the winged rodents have taken over a house in the historic district (I have a good feeling the address somehow has the word “peach” in it). Residents say that the smell is overwhelming, and thanks to the weight of the guano, floors are sagging. A diabolical biological attack, that’s for sure.
Didn’t Georgia burn once before, or something like that? I’m not endorsing arson, but a punishment of some sort might be in order for the South allowing this to happen.
In other animal related news, those beasts are clearly looking to terrorize us, and there seems to be no limit to where they’ll go.
Obviously a tree hugging eco-terrorist, a deer bounded through a car dealership window in North Carolina, ruining part of said dealership. The American auto companies are already under enough pressure-I don’t think Chrysler needs their vehicles wrecked in the process. Unless it’s a PT Cruiser, as those are just ugly.
Oh, and don’t think you’re getting off scott-free, raccoons. Now that it’s been reported that you’re trying to take over parts of Philadelphia, it’s on like donkey kong. We know what to look for (your robber striped eyes), where to look for (trees and trash cans) and how to look for you (with lots of violent weaponry). Get ready, as your time is near.
Bats. They hang upside down. They mostly eat bugs and fruit. They use sonar. They are one of the greatest threats to mankind, too.
Not that anyone at the CIA has a comment about it, but a new disease is killing bats in Indiana. If we’re lucky, it will spread farther. The disease, which we are in no way saying was created by the U.S. government in a clandestine effort to kill off animals without outwardly supporting the cause, causes bats noses to turn white. This is a bad thing, because the bats die of embarrassment within days.
Space. The Final Frontier. For the longest time, these voyages to the great beyond were known only by we noble humans and our primate prisoners. There, in space, we could practice numerous scientific activities that could thus better our race in our war against those hideous animals. But now, a new threat has emerged.
Yes, bats are now attaching themselves to space shuttle launches, undoubtedly in the ignoble hope that they can take down said space shuttle. Obviously this means that the animals have merged together into a horrible, unfied force of evil. As such, the bats, having nothing to live for now that they’re not allowed to eat those smalls bugs, have decided to become suicidal monsters.
The only coping thought that we can have regarding this news is that the bat most probably suffered a horrible and painful death upon initial launch out of the Earth’s atmosphere. If somehow, it managed to survive that, then we can take solace in the fact that it suffered an even more horrible and painful deaht, and as such, is now floating somewhere in space as a piece of space debris, hopefully causing numerous damage to some bothersome alien. Take that, ET!
All seems to be fairly quiet right now in the War on Animals. This may be caused by the cold weather, sending our foes into a dormant state, or in some cases, hibernation.
However, in the warmer climates it doesn’t appear to be cold enough for the enemy to stop the fight altogether. In Florida, 20,000 bats have made the underside of twin bridges their home. They are delaying the construction on Interstate 95. While this is probably a passive attempt at slowing down our progress, this does mark a possible change in strategy. They are now going after our infrastructure, we have seen some examples of this in the recent past.