Octopi learn to walk on land; nice knowing you all

Not to end the weekend on a downer, but it looks like humanity is done for. Octopi have learned how to walk, and will probably overthrow us within a decade.

In Wales, about 20 octopi were recorded making their way along a beach. In case why that’s alarming isn’t clear to you, a beach is not the water, it is the sand near the water. These sea monsters are able to get around on land. Wildlife experts have never seen octopuses do this before, and they have no idea why they were doing it in the first place. The best guess they have is that the water was crowded so some of them wanted to have a little room.

These things are crowding up the oceans. There’s an army of these guys, and they’ve decided they want our land. This could be it, people.

At least Hurricane Harvey slayed this beast for us

The recent hurricanes have done a lot of damage to Texas, Florida and the Caribbean. Many might say that it has shown the goodness in people, and that is the only good thing to come from these tragedies. That is a falsehood. They also killed an ugly monster for us.

A couple weeks ago, Hurricane Harvey battered coastal Texas in a way not seen since the Comanche Great Raid of 1840 (historical reference!). Houston was devastated, and folks are trying to pick up the pieces of their lives. But at least they don’t have to worry about a monster lurking in the waters.

A woman found this monstrosity lying on the beach in Texas. Mercifully, it was dead. Now, she’s hoping someone can tell her what the hell it is. As you can see above, it’s long, ugly and has teeth. It kind of resembles a xenomorph. We can thank Harvey for killing this beast and making the Gulf of Mexico safe for us.

Unless this monster has a family swimming around out there.

Snails have learned how to shoot out of the ground

Here in the U.S., we’re watching ourselves in the ocean because sharks are attacking us left and right. In England, there’s another animal threat at the beach.

It was an average day at the beach in Devon, England, the citizens were — well, we don’t actually know if British people go to the beach — but they were somewhere around there. All of a sudden, a 15-foot-wide, 15-foot-deep hole opened in the sand, and snails began launching out of it like a volcano. When the sand collapsed, it shot water and sea snails that had been lurking below into the sky.

If England has a summer, this probably ruined it.

Coney Island suffers aerial Godwinning

If it makes the Raelians, Hindus and Buddhists feel better, Americans lost a cool, fun symbol to assh*les, too.

On Saturday, July 12th — a day that will live in ambivalence — people with misplaced priorities launched an unprovoked shock campaign on Coney Island and Long Island, New York. Using a banner plane, they flew a banner displaying swastikas, including one over the Star of David, as part of their efforts to “rehabilitate” the symbol.

The sponsors, ProSwasika.org, is tired of everyone instantly associating the swastika with the fairly recent extermination of 11 million people. Instead, they’d rather we associate it with good luck and good will, for which the symbol was originally intended, even though you can express the same sentiment with literally any other symbol. Millions of them, guys, that never flew over a death factory.

Just like a pair of favorite jeans after Tacos and Laxativos Night, there are certain things that can never be made unclean.

That’s gonna need a lot of Visine

We’re going to need a bigger gun.

Last week in Pompano Beach, Florida, a man was fulfilling one part of his dating profile and enjoying a long walk on the beach, when out of nowhere, he stumbled upon an eyeball. A big eyeball. A really big eyeball. And by really big, I mean a softball sized eyeball.

No one, not even science, can currently tell us the origins of said ocular organ, but it’s being studied by more scientists in St. Petersburg. Speculation is that it could be that of a tuna, a swordfish, a giant squid … or something else.

People, we can’t wait on science to figure out what this behemoth is as that could be too late. The only thing we can do is burn all of the ocean.

Pol aiming for Pole’s poles at polls

Polish singer Sara May (a.k.a. Katarzyna Szczolekis) is running for a Warsaw district council seat, and she’s found just the means to win Maxim international votes. Her latest campaign posters feature her in a bikini, lounging on the sand and captioned, “Beautiful, independent, competent.”

Hailing from the country that brought back democracy after the Greeks ran it into the ground, we’d like to say that this is a disgrace and should cost her the election, but it worked in Massachusetts.

To B-cup, or not to B-cup

Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, is facing a moral crisis: exposed breasts!

Police refuse to arrest the flashers for the same reason The Guys refuse to tip strippers in Alabama: no vaginas.

The breasts in question belong to transgender women who have breast implants, but also have their natural-born tallywhackers. According to Rehoboth nudity statutes:

“A male is guilty of indecent exposure if he exposes his genitals or buttocks under circumstances which he knows his conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm to another person.”

It’s possible that it is indeed nudity because, boy, do we have questions:

  1. According to Rehoboth law, is it nudity if the man’s genitals or butt are non-alarming and politely maintained?
  2. Gender aside, do the breasts count as nudity if they’re fake?

Alcohol and sea creatures don’t (usually) mix

If you’re at the beach and see someone drowning, think twice before helping them.

In Florida, a man had allegedly been drinking since 9 in the morning recently and when he decided to go swimming. He pretended to be drowning and rescuers came to get him. Rather than let himself be saved, the man threw a jellyfish at them.

In completely unrelated news, The Guys are headed out tomorrow for a weekend-long experiment with alcohol and a beach atmosphere.

(via Deadspin)

The McBournie Minute: What a bunch of Croc

I am just back from a week-long vacation at the beach–I know you missed me, but let’s avoid the joyful reunion in the interest of saving us both some time.

At the beach, one can find many things, like seaweed, shells and overweight white people. One can look across the sand dunes and see and endless horizon of umbrellas, towels, chairs and even the occasional kite. Aside from the annoying gulls, screaming children, sand blowing in your face, radios on way too loud and Speedos, the beach can be a very relaxing place to spend one’s time. That is until a new threat emerged: Crocs. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: What a bunch of Croc