To own a gun means you have a lot of responsibility. Chief among those is keeping your weapon secured when you are not using it, so it won’t get stolen by a bear.
In Siberia, locals are likely on edge after it was reported that a bear broke into a man’s cabin and stole two guns. The man said he went to a nearby river to get water, and when he returned, he hid when he saw a brown bear was tearing apart his place. The bear eventually left with a bag that contained a hunting rifle and an assault rifle.
The only good news is that the bear is probably going to hibernate soon. It will be much easier to disarm then.
If you live in Alaska, you have fought a bear. It’s a requirement for a driver’s license up there. But aside from that, Alaskans have every right to believe they can live a normal life and not have to deal with bears.
For a few terror-filled moments at a liquor store, those hopes were dashed. The clerk at the Liquor Barrel, a liquor store near Juneau, was shocked when he saw a large, brown animal walk in and it wasn’t a dog. The juvenile bear looked at the candy rack near the front door and stood up on his hind legs.
Luckily, a quick-thinking customer started clapping his hands and yelling at it, knowing that bears hate public praise. The bear soon left, and remains at large. The best news is that no bottles were harmed in the incident, unlike the peacock attack a month ago.
Animal Warriors, line up! We have a new hero to induct into the SeriouslyGuys War on Animals Wall of Fame.
Chase Dellwo was minding his own business (the business of killing elk with a g*ddamn crossbow, that is), when he stumbled onto a grizzly bear. The bear attacked and, while pinned down, Dellwo did the exact opposite the rest of us would do (kick it in the nuts, duh): he dove armfirst into the bear’s open mouth. This either triggered the bear’s gag reflex, homophobia or both, and the bear backed off.
Chase Dellwo, for your innovative thinking and willingness to grab a grizzly bear by the uvula, we declare you the SeriouslyGuys War on Animals Warrior of the Week. Just, uh, be aware that triggering a bear’s gag reflex might not work in Provincetown, OK?
We salute the Colorado Springs Police Department for quickly recognizing the threat of ripped bears and stopping them before leg day. Left unchecked, those bears could have developed into muscle daddies, blurring carefully maintained niches in the gay forest egosystem.
The cub is now free of the tub and was left sedated in the woods to find her mother again, which should put a dent in her ain’t-no-DNB body.
We make fun of Canadian stereotypes often (mostly because they’re true), and yes, they have cursed the world with Justin Bieber and Tom Green and Avril Lavigne and Nickelback, and their money is both plastic and has animals on it, but they’re okay enough people. They’re nice enough to us, if perhaps just a little too smarmy for their own good.
The mail system is one of the last bastions of joy in this world. Everyone enjoys the feeling of getting something awesome in the mail. That bears are attempting to take away that joy just shows how crucial it is that we must win this war.
Bears are quickly becoming even more of a menace than they’ve already been. As you may remember, bears have a slight taste for our food, and even more so, they’ve developed a palette for donuts. And now, they’ve moved onto another delicious food item: cookies.
Therein lies the problem: we have too many race traitors. A “concerned citizen” called in the bear being up a tree with its head stuck in the jar, resulting in multiple government services being used on the single event. Stop this! Don’t call it in, let nature run its own course on nature. It just might be worth it to sacrifice our cookies, but we can’t let them be used in vain.
The French aren’t known for being very warlike, at least in recent centuries. But they may be leading the way in infiltrating enemy ranks.
Abraham Poincheval, a French artist, is living inside the body of a bear until April 13. He’s not leaving the bear’s body for artist reasons. But we know the real reason he’s making it his own personal tauntaun: he’s learning how to trick bears into thinking he’s one of them.
The best way to defeat an enemy is to know it from the inside out.
People, get your guns, your swords, your boxing gloves. Have them at the ready. Sleep with them. Eat with them. Poop with them. No matter what, be prepared to take arms at a moment’s notice. There’s no better sign than this: the war is on.
These famous last words were uttered by the great warrior, Robert Muldoon, right before he was slit from ear to ear (and cheeks to cheeks) by the monstrous velociraptor. We might have to start applying that to another enemy in our war.
Thanks to footage by a Canadian couple, we know that bears can now open doors. But not just any doors: the doors of our vehicles. No longer will we be able to run into our cars, locking ourselves away from the danger of the beasts, as the bears are now coming after our door handles.
If this revelation doesn’t bring about the onset of thumbprint door handles for all cars, then The Guys don’t know what will.