Bears are the new zombies

Halloween may be done and over with, but as you and I know, the terrifying flesh-eaters known as zombies never hold themselves to just that night. Alas! Things would be much easier if they did.

Well, now we have animals other than opossums using similar tactics as zombies to kill us! For example, a hunter in Oregon was doing his noble business when he came across a bear, no doubt rummaging through some campers’ rucksack like a hobo and being as destructive as possible. Committed to his duty, the hunter, a youth by the name of Alex Machado, shot the bear. When Machado checked the bear to see if it had passed this mortal coil, the bear rose up, grasping him into a bear hug (how original, bear) and sending them both over a cliff! Oh no! Luckily, Machado survived the fall and the bear was then shot … again.

People, our current way of hunting is just too risky. We need to apply zombie survival tactics to animals from now on. Remember: before you check, give them two shots to the head, even if you were already aiming at their noggin.

The bearier side of Sears

Retail has been hit hard in the past decade and malls have been hit even harder, all thanks to the internet (but nothing can replace us, right guys? Guys?). This has caused stores to branch out for their marketing and potentially cater to different demographics. Stores open earlier and close later in order to get all kinds of customers. High-end stores begin trying to get that middle-level market, rather than just the shrinking rich.

But never, ever did we think that a retail company would use our war-time enemies as customers.

How dare you, Sears. We know that you’ve been in some hard times for some time now, but bears? Really? For shame.

Nature is terrifying, y’all

If Land of the Lost taught us anything, it’s that we should be grateful for living in a world where we don’t have to rely on larger dinosaurs to counterattack the pterodactyls that are trying to kill us.

Or do we?

Robert Briggs claims he was minding his business, spying on a mother bear and her cubs, when a mountain lion ambushed him from behind. The big cat grabbed him by the backpack (presumably aiming for his head), and attempted to maul Briggs as he attacked back with a rock pick. The mother bear swatted the lion off and then fought it until the bushwhacker ran away.

While the rest of the story is unclear — despite what the rest of the story in the link says — we are confident that Briggs married his heroine and raised her cubs as his own.

Warrior of the Week: John in Colorado

Everyone loves the stereotypical concept of guns in Texas, in that if someone comes into your house, they’re a dead person. But what happens when the land becomes not Texas, but Colorado? And the intruder is not human, but a bear?

According to some wildlife authorities (a position which we scoff at, mind you), that person is a criminal.

This is bull-honky!

John in Colorado is a man that just wants to live in his cabin. He successfully put down an intruder (of the furry kind!) that could have been thieving and disease-ridden at best, murderous at worst! And what’s the reward he’s given? Potentially having charges filed against him. Well John, we may not know your last name, or even if John is your first name, but we will say this: in our eyes, you’re no criminal. You’re our Warrior of the Week, and you earned it.

Enemy of our enemy still our enemy

We just bearly found him.For a Web site, we’re fighting a lot of wars. There’s the War on Animals, the War on Education, the War on Aliens (a.k.a. weatherballoons) and our national pasttime, the War on Terror.

It was only natural that they would eventually overlap like when a bear killed two Hizbul Mujaheedin in Kashmir that had hidden in its cave.

Nice try, bears. Those guys weren’t even the “kill America” variety, though part of the larger Taliban network in Pakistan and Afghanistan. For all we know, you only killed them to hide your own WMD (Weapons of Man’s Destruction) labs.

Moreover, two terrorists doesn’t make us jake one bit. Bring us the snuffled and honey-soaked head of Osama Bin Laden, though, and we’ll talk.

Until then, the enemy of our enemy is still our enemy.

No one foresaw this?

You should all be aware of just how deep into the War on Animals that we really are. 300 gazillion years after man stands upright and animals still haven’t learned to be totally obedient to us.

So when a man puts ice skates on a bear and forces it to skate on the ice, is it really any surprise that he was killed by said bear?

People, learn from this individual’s mistake: shoot all animals on sight. A double tap never hurt nobody.

Oso close to school

In other bear related news, a bear found near a Florida school caused a lockdown this week. It’s bad enough you have to worry about the enemy coming for you, now they’re after your kids.

The bear did not make any demands during an afternoon standoff with police, but it seemed that the bear had been surveilling the school for quite some time from a dumpster nearby. Unfortunately, the bear was not harmed and managed to get away unscathed, free to stalk other school children.

Save a bear, do not pass go

Kid tested, Stephen Colbert approved.You know that phrase “No good deed goes unpunished?”

This is not that story.

You know that song “Save a horse, ride a cowboy?”

This is not that story.

What this story is about is the heartwarming tale of a lawbreaker and his quest to break local wildlife laws. What this story is about is the tale of a man who has put his daughter’s life in jeopardy by exposing her to a wild animal. What this story is about is the legend of a traitor to the human race. Rather than go ahead and finish the job that nature had intended (endangering the bear), he instead chose to feed it. Lot of good that did him, too.

We’re in a war, people. There’s no room for error.