Animals won’t stop attacking our liquor stores

If you live in Alaska, you have fought a bear. It’s a requirement for a driver’s license up there. But aside from that, Alaskans have every right to believe they can live a normal life and not have to deal with bears.

For a few terror-filled moments at a liquor store, those hopes were dashed. The clerk at the Liquor Barrel, a liquor store near Juneau, was shocked when he saw a large, brown animal walk in and it wasn’t a dog. The juvenile bear looked at the candy rack near the front door and stood up on his hind legs.

Luckily, a quick-thinking customer started clapping his hands and yelling at it, knowing that bears hate public praise. The bear soon left, and remains at large. The best news is that no bottles were harmed in the incident, unlike the peacock attack a month ago.

Warrior of the Week gagged a bear with his manliness

"Ahhhhhhhhhh ..."
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah …”

Animal Warriors, line up! We have a new hero to induct into the SeriouslyGuys War on Animals Wall of Fame.

Chase Dellwo was minding his own business (the business of killing elk with a g*ddamn crossbow, that is), when he stumbled onto a grizzly bear. The bear attacked and, while pinned down, Dellwo did the exact opposite the rest of us would do (kick it in the nuts, duh): he dove armfirst into the bear’s open mouth. This either triggered the bear’s gag reflex, homophobia or both, and the bear backed off.

Chase Dellwo, for your innovative thinking and willingness to grab a grizzly bear by the uvula, we declare you the SeriouslyGuys War on Animals Warrior of the Week. Just, uh, be aware that triggering a bear’s gag reflex might not work in Provincetown, OK?

Winnie the Bro

"Oh, bother."
“Oh, bother.”

Police in Colorado Springs, Colorado, arrested a bear cub caught with her head in a bottle of protein powder. The officers found her bro-ing out before dawn, which is a great time to work in cardio — like running from the police.

We salute the Colorado Springs Police Department for quickly recognizing the threat of ripped bears and stopping them before leg day. Left unchecked, those bears could have developed into muscle daddies, blurring carefully maintained niches in the gay forest egosystem.

The cub is now free of the tub and was left sedated in the woods to find her mother again, which should put a dent in her ain’t-no-DNB body.

Chase the bear, then get drunk

"Yea, so, ah ... I mightah got hammahed and chased a f*ckin' beah last night."
“Yea … so, ah … I mightah got hammahed and chased a f*ckin’ beah last night.”

Camping season is upon us, which for park rangers means shepherding drunks away from wildlife. And, brother, this season is already booming.

The North Adams Police Department in Massachusetts reportedly took a man into custody to protect him from the bear that he was chasing with a hatchet. They then issued a warning on Facebook to “NOT chase bears through the woods with a dull hatchet, drunk” [shouty-caps emphasis theirs].

You heard the constables, folks. Sharpen your hatchets, then chase bears. And then, once the asthma sets in, have a drink. You’ve earned it, warrior.

Canadian politeness ends with bears

We make fun of Canadian stereotypes often (mostly because they’re true), and yes, they have cursed the world with Justin Bieber and Tom Green and Avril Lavigne and Nickelback, and their money is both plastic and has animals on it, but they’re okay enough people. They’re nice enough to us, if perhaps just a little too smarmy for their own good.

Apparently their bears never got the memo about being polite. One man came home to find a note on his mailbox from the postal service. His mail carrier was unable to deliver his mail (which we all hate when that happens) because a bear was at the door. That will tend to prevent the mail from making it.

The mail system is one of the last bastions of joy in this world. Everyone enjoys the feeling of getting something awesome in the mail. That bears are attempting to take away that joy just shows how crucial it is that we must win this war.

Dumb Jersey bear does a dumb Jersey thing

Bears are quickly becoming even more of a menace than they’ve already been. As you may remember, bears have a slight taste for our food, and even more so, they’ve developed a palette for donuts. And now, they’ve moved onto another delicious food item: cookies.

Except bears are dumb and get their dumb bear heads stuck in cookie jars.

Therein lies the problem: we have too many race traitors. A “concerned citizen” called in the bear being up a tree with its head stuck in the jar, resulting in multiple government services being used on the single event. Stop this! Don’t call it in, let nature run its own course on nature. It just might be worth it to sacrifice our cookies, but we can’t let them be used in vain.

It’s the perfect camouflage

The French aren’t known for being very warlike, at least in recent centuries. But they may be leading the way in infiltrating enemy ranks.

Abraham Poincheval, a French artist, is living inside the body of a bear until April 13. He’s not leaving the bear’s body for artist reasons. But we know the real reason he’s making it his own personal tauntaun: he’s learning how to trick bears into thinking he’s one of them.

The best way to defeat an enemy is to know it from the inside out.

The Pet Offensive

People, get your guns, your swords, your boxing gloves. Have them at the ready. Sleep with them. Eat with them. Poop with them. No matter what, be prepared to take arms at a moment’s notice. There’s no better sign than this: the war is on.

Pickup trucks no longer safe haven from bears

“Clever girl.

These famous last words were uttered by the great warrior, Robert Muldoon, right before he was slit from ear to ear (and cheeks to cheeks) by the monstrous velociraptor. We might have to start applying that to another enemy in our war.

Thanks to footage by a Canadian couple, we know that bears can now open doors. But not just any doors: the doors of our vehicles. No longer will we be able to run into our cars, locking ourselves away from the danger of the beasts, as the bears are now coming after our door handles.

If this revelation doesn’t bring about the onset of thumbprint door handles for all cars, then The Guys don’t know what will.

Bears are the new zombies

Halloween may be done and over with, but as you and I know, the terrifying flesh-eaters known as zombies never hold themselves to just that night. Alas! Things would be much easier if they did.

Well, now we have animals other than opossums using similar tactics as zombies to kill us! For example, a hunter in Oregon was doing his noble business when he came across a bear, no doubt rummaging through some campers’ rucksack like a hobo and being as destructive as possible. Committed to his duty, the hunter, a youth by the name of Alex Machado, shot the bear. When Machado checked the bear to see if it had passed this mortal coil, the bear rose up, grasping him into a bear hug (how original, bear) and sending them both over a cliff! Oh no! Luckily, Machado survived the fall and the bear was then shot … again.

People, our current way of hunting is just too risky. We need to apply zombie survival tactics to animals from now on. Remember: before you check, give them two shots to the head, even if you were already aiming at their noggin.