Warrior of the Week: Guy bitten by snake, bear, shark

Once bitten, twice shy, thrice … cursed?

The animals of the world clearly have it out for Dylan McWilliams, a 20-year-old from Colorado. While on vacation in Hawaii last week he was bitten by a shark. Luckily, he was able to make it back to shore and received a few stitches to his leg. But that wasn’t his first run-in with a deadly animal.

Last year, McWilliams was teaching a survival skills course in his home state when a bear wandered over and attacked him. McWilliams taught his students how to survive a bear attack that day, as at one point the bear had his head in its mouth. Authorities later hunted down and killed the bear. And even that wasn’t McWilliams’ first animal attack.

While hiking in Utah several years ago, he was bitten by a rattlesnake. Fortunately, there wasn’t much venom released, and the dose he got only sickened him for a while.

Congratulations, Dylan McWilliams, you are a shining example to mankind. But you may want to figure out why you’re so tasty.

Animals willfully ignorant of difference between inside and outside

The Guys don’t like animals. Maybe we’ve been subtle about that, maybe not so much. Regardless, like a car stuck on a highway full of tractor-trailers, we (and the rest of the human race) are cautiously respectful of the boundary between inside and outside. We don’t necessarily freely give up the outside, but the animal kingdom has its realm, and we have ours. The animal kingdom, sadly, has chosen to break this unspoken agreement.

In Fort Worth, Texas, patrons of a hotel were besieged by an invasion force of bees. Inexplicably deciding to put up shop at the Budget Suites, a swarm of the stinging monsters hovered just outside of the windows, menacing guests.

And in Monrovia, California, a man was terrorized by a pair of bears. Yes, those bastards decided to get up to their old antics again. Justin Lee went into his home only to find the furry beasts gouging themselves on his hard-earned food. A heroic combination of police and animal control officers were able to send the creatures running through the power of bean bag shots. It’s a temporary solution, but we’re always down for a more … permanent solution.

Norwegian bears are the worst kind of drunks

If there’s anything you know about us, we at SG have no problem with the booze. We enjoy it. We’re responsible, but we know our limit … and just past it. But the last thing we’d ever be is a bad parent and involve booze in our parenting.

Clearly, that separates us from the animals.

Last week, a mother bear set a horrible example for her 3 cubs as they broke into a Norwegian lodge and proceeded to wreck havoc on the dwelling. Along the way, the horrible foursome drank more than 100 beers, as it’s being reported.

People, this is why we don’t need animals in the world: they’re just plain rude.

Bit by bit, Anchorman invades our world

Here at SG, we don’t exactly hold weathermen in high regards. Meteorology just isn’t one of the sciences that interests us much, and furthermore, we think that most anyone could do their job. It’s a deservedly thankless and full of blame job. If they get it right, great, they’re actually doing their job. But if they get the weather wrong, and when I mean wrong, I mean, wrong, then they have now earned a tongue lashing and internet beating.

Regardless, and I hope animals are listening, they’re our future pinatas. They don’t belong to creatures, they belong to human beings. Don’t send your mob enforcer equivalents to beat up our weathermen. We’ll send the real mob enforcers to do the job, thank you very much.

Obama sends Americans into lions’ den

President Barack Obama is trying to push you out the door. Billed as the “America’s Great Outdoors” program, the initiative will “conserve cherished land and encourage Americans to enjoy the outdoors.”

Mr. President, with all due respect, but have you been outside? There’s mosquitoes out there. And bears. And no Playstation.

This all sounds like a ruse to get us outside while the President watches his stories instead of more Dora reruns.

Well, we hope we get kidnapped, just to teach you a lesson. Was your little Internet “me-time” worth it?

Bear Whisperer discovered?

That was the potential bear whisperer's previous offense.Doctors at an undisclosed San Francisco hospital are evaluating the mental abilities of a man who survived jumping into the grizzly bear pen at the city’s Zoo.

Police described the 21-year-old man as a transient, a recluse with a record of warning people that they were getting too close, presumably by standing on his rear feet. And when he jumped into the grizzly display, the bears merely approached him and sniffed him, almost as if he were one of their own!

It’s clear what’s going on. Science may have discovered the first bear whisperer in recent history. The question is, whose side is he on?

We hope the doctors in San Francisco can find out for certain.

No bus seat for bear, injures 9 people

Japan may not get The Colbert Report on their tv stations, but even they should know that bears are ruthless killing machines. And despite your best intentions to keep the passengers of your bus safe,  a bus driver endangered the lives of all those in the parking lot when he denied him a seat. Bears do not take kindly to speciesism. They can smell it. That and menstrual blood.

The smartest thing to do would have been to have everyone exit the bus, lock the bear inside the bus and then blow it up. But no, you didn’t do that, and it got worse. The bear then proceeded to take out its rage on a nearby gift shop, where it got itself stuck amongst the nick-nacks sold to gaijin every day. In a fit of rage at the nation that had abandoned it, the bear found itself stuck in the store, and decided to trash it.

Bad move, bear.

A hunter shot the bear dead, protecting the citizens of Japan. He ran off before people could thank him for protecting them, but it was noticed that he seemed to be a foreigner and was wearing a Brooks Brothers suit. We’ve told you before that we’re in a war with animals, Japan, and it seems now was the biggest sign of evidence. What’s it gonna be? Will you continue to be Belgium, or has this become your Pearl Nyukawa?

War Journal: Washington

If there are two things that piss this blog off, it’s animals and homeless people. Just this week, our nation’s capital was under siege. Yours truly happens to live in the DC area, I supply for you now a war journal about one of the most frightening days this city has seen in seven years.

Arlington, Virginia
9/16/08
8:47 a.m.

We thought this was over. We thought we were safe from threats like this once and for all. We were wrong. I got into work this morning to hear the news that a creature of some sort was spotted putting something in a trash can in downtown D.C.

The bomb squad has been called in and a nearby Metro [subway] station has been closed down right at one of the busiest times. Let’s hope nothing happens to our boys in blue. Continue reading War Journal: Washington

Almost had ’em

The war has taken many sharp turns. A few wins here for us, and a few here and there for the animals. But we let our key victory slip right through our hands. The grizzly bear was on the verge of extinction. That’s right kids, our little war nearly wiped out an entire species. But recent findings have shown the bears to be rebounding in an astonishing fashion.

Fact: there are 765 grizzlies in the northwest part of Montana. Now how safe do you feel?
Fact: they will steal your pic-a-nic basket.
Fact: they have been migrating to golf courses.
Fact: they have hacked our airline system and are learning to fly. Unconfirmed reports have the bears going under the guise of “Bear-Qaeda.”

Great, bears, now you’re putting the whole station in danger

War on Animals Alert: Code Red!

Somehow the bears have found out about our efforts against the animal kingdom, and they’re fighting back. A Vancouver woman was gardening last week, when she was attacked, and bitten several times. Early reports detail that there was in fact no pic-a-nic basket.

Lucky for Canadians and SG readers everywhere, a local police officer shot and killed the oversized Teddy Ruxben on location.