Monkeys, rats, bears breaking into buildings

You can lock your doors and shut your windows. You can have the best home security system that money can buy. Animals will still find a way into your house. Will you be ready when they do?

The Indian government found itself under attack when two monkeys made their way inside a government building, sending public servants scrambling for safety. Luckily no one was injured, and the monkeys were chased off by security guards. But many suspect this was simply a probe of defenses ahead of a real attack.

In Dallas, Texas, customers at Chipotle had their meals ruined by something other than salmonella. Witnesses reported rats, (or mice, because no one in Texas can tell the difference) falling out of the ceiling and scurrying around the restaurant. But because they had been gorging themselves on Chipotle, the rodents were slow-moving and easily rounded up for questioning.

And finally, a Montana man took a nap in his home and found that while he slept a bear had broken in and taken two dumps on his living room floor and left. That’s just mean.

Animals won’t stop attacking our liquor stores

If you live in Alaska, you have fought a bear. It’s a requirement for a driver’s license up there. But aside from that, Alaskans have every right to believe they can live a normal life and not have to deal with bears.

For a few terror-filled moments at a liquor store, those hopes were dashed. The clerk at the Liquor Barrel, a liquor store near Juneau, was shocked when he saw a large, brown animal walk in and it wasn’t a dog. The juvenile bear looked at the candy rack near the front door and stood up on his hind legs.

Luckily, a quick-thinking customer started clapping his hands and yelling at it, knowing that bears hate public praise. The bear soon left, and remains at large. The best news is that no bottles were harmed in the incident, unlike the peacock attack a month ago.

To defeat our enemies we must become them

We use drones to spy on them, and robots to blend in with them, but not since Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls have we earnestly attempted to become an animal in order to surveil them. Finally, people are doing just that.

In Switzerland, a researcher has transformed himself into a goat with the use of prosthetics. He even had financial backing by the U.K. government for the development of his suit. Such advancements allowed him to spend three days with a herd of goats in the Alps. Hopefully the intel bears fruit.

And speaking of bears, here in the U.S., decided to mess with some grizzlies. In Alaska, a man wore a realistic bear costume to spook a grizzly bear and two cubs were trying to catch their salmon dinner. The man was jumping around, and got within a few feet of the cubs. Not only did the man survive, but he escaped arrest, too.

We’re going to be invaded by space bears, math says

If aliens are out there, they are probably bear-sized, according to math.

Mathematicians somewhere have said that their calculations show that alien life forms are most likely to be the size of a bear, and the likelihood decreases with the size, from there. Also, they’ll probably weigh about 700 pounds.

These conclusions are based on Bayes’ theorem, which we know as a reader of this site you’re familiar with.

Killing bears with the ‘itis

Shot himself a bar when he was only three. Sonny, Sonny Crockett! King of the Wild Frontier!
♪ ♫ Shot himself a b’ar when he was only three. Sonny, Sonny Crockett! King of the Wild Frontier! ♬ ♫

You would assume that hunting gets more dangerous and sexy based on the dangerousness of the prey. Basically, you progress from hunting ants with a magnifying glass to amphibious anti-air assaults on ducks, eventually graduating to Predator-style hunts of the most dangerous game: man. And somewhere in there, you go mano-a-mano with a bear, Crockett-style.

What nobody tells you, though, is that bear hunting is actually a lazy endeavor involving 90 pounds of chocolate bait — which is about 80 pounds more than you need to hunt premenstrual women.

It’s gotten so bad that New Hampshire wildlife officials want hunters to stop using chocolate bait because it alone kills more bears than they intended.

And we agree. Bear death by chocolate is the most disappointing dénouement for any war — much less the War on Animals — since World War II in Europe when the Nazis covered up Hitler’s accidental auto-erotic asphyxiation death with a bullet, cyanide and cremation and killing his dogs and girlfriend to eliminate any witnesses.

The McBournie Minute: Who’s ready for some ballot issues?

If you live in America, and if you’re not getting bombed right now, there’s a good chance you do, tomorrow’s a big day. Not only is it Taco Tuesday, it’s also mid-term election day. That means you get to go to the polls, wait in line, then check off the name of the person whose crazy ads offended you the least–if you feel like going at all.

But honestly, choosing our leaders isn’t as important as the ballot issues that are coming up. These things rarely have the kind of publicity as the people crazy enough to want to hold elected office. Plus, ballot issues don’t have egos they need stroked by public approval every few years. The only time you hear about ballot issues is when some faith group gets involved (read: anything related to abortion or marriage equality).

So to make sure you’re prepared tomorrow, here’s a quick overview of the ballot measures you may see tomorrow, and how to vote on them. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Who’s ready for some ballot issues?

Please don’t feed the bears … ‘s egos

You're not doing yourself or the War on Animals any favors if your bear selfie is from inside the bear.
You’re not doing yourself or the War on Animals any favors if your bear selfie is from inside the bear. You can’t sepia-tone that.

Look, The Guys understand that the entire Internet is in an unannounced “Greatest Selfie of All Time” contest, which started right around the rise of Instagram. And we know that the Chinese word for “danger” is also the same word for “picturesque.” (Chinese is really easy because you only have to learn 50 percent of the vocabulary to use 100 percent of it.)

But, please, for the love of Matthew Brady, please stop taking selfies with bears.

U.S. Forest Service officials at Lake Tahoe have had it with people risking literally life and limb to take the selfie that will finally win the Internet: with a live bear. Rangers have seen people “[run] across the highway to get a closer look at the animals, and even [charge] off trails, through the forest and even over the creek to get closer to the hungry bears” [emphasis added].

People, let us remind you that we are at War with Animals. While it is commendable to document the enemies’ positions (along with a sweet #waronanimals hashtag) there is a safer way to get the picture you need. Rather than shoot with a cameraphone, shoot with a gun. We call it an ammosafari, which is like a photosafari only — instead of taking pictures — you take lives with a gun that you also took.

Then you can get all the pictures with your bear that you need.
Then you can get all the pictures with your bear that you need.

No!

No! We will not allow this! This will not go swiftly into the night!

Delicious doughnuts are being used to feed bears! Bears! BEARS! Doughnuts are people food. They are not to be eaten by bears! Especially not in the name of science!

Gentlemen of this site, get your dukes up and in the air. It’s time for an old-fashioned bear fight, followed by a traditional nerd smashing.

Boulder Council to Bears: ‘This trash is ours, not yours!’

  • Fact: Bears can smell menstruation, possibly endangering an entire newsroom.
  • Fact: Bears are just big raccoons. With larger paws. And bigger bodies. And a different snout.

Despite the grousing of some species turncoats citizens, the Boulder City Council passed an ordinance to have all trashcans replaced with anti-bear trashcans. Being the incredibly large bullies that they are, bears have been known to make their way from the forest, picking through the metal and plastic pick-a-nick baskets that we call trashcans. But no more! Thanks to the special bear-proof cans, the council is hoping that the bears will be a bother no more.

And if that doesn’t work, we hear that bullets are a potentially good solution as well.

Warrior of the week: Jason Lauesen

We don’t always need to rely on technology to win this war. Sometimes when you find yourself in a bear fight, all you need are your fists.

On Labor Day (Thanks, Fairbanks News-Miner, for finally getting around to printing this story!), Jason Lauesen and Liz Pawelko were sleeping in a tent at a campground, when a friggin’ bear poked its head through. Without thinking, and without even stopping to put on his glasses, he punched the bear in what he thinks was its face. One punch was all it took to get the bear to retreat.

Pawelko also yelled at the bear, which finally convinced it to move on.