Woman claims she’s a mermaid, Disney has no comment

A few weeks ago, Disney released a shot-for-shot remake of its 1991 animated classic Beauty and the Beast. The live-action version of the same movie you’ve already seen featured just enough extra footage to get people to turn out in droves. But Disney has gone overboard with its newest remake.

Police in Fresno, California are asking if anyone in the area is missing a mermaid. A woman calling herself “Joanna” was found nearly naked and walking down the middle of a street at 3 a.m. on Tuesday morning. She claimed to be a mermaid, said she had been in the water, but wasn’t really able to answer any other questions. Authorities noted that she has webbed toes. Method acting at its finest.

It’s been a while since we watched 1989’s The Little Mermaid, but we remember the plot clearly: a mermaid princess makes a deal with a morbidly obese octopus to become human, and she winds up in a city more than a hundred miles from the ocean. When she is discovered, she’s treated for clear signs of mental illness. And they all lived happily ever after.

You Missed It: Internal investigation edition

What a difference two months makes.

It really is official now, I’m old. The release of the new Power Rangers movie marks the first time that there has been a reboot of a childhood show that I was too old for the first time around. I haven’t seen a lot of the reboots, but I’m not necessarily opposed to them. There’s no issue in taking things I remember from my childhood and reworking them in a way to make them relevant for the next generation. Except for that live-action Beauty and the Beast remake. It’s literally the same movie, and you are all fools for going to see it. If you were busy taking it to Cracker Barrel for firing Brad’s wife this week, odds are you missed it.

Russia still way better than U.S. in coverups
This week, FBI Director James Comey took the unusual step of confirming that his agency is investigating President Donald Trump’s campaign team and the Russians, and the list of campaign officials who met with the Russians continues to grow. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer denied that there was any wrongdoing, saying that Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale are just family friends.

Police get a win for Brady
This week, authorities announced that they found stolen Super Bowl jersey of Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback ever to play the game, as well as his missing jersey from his Super Bowl victory two years ago. The jerseys were reportedly stolen by a journalist and taken to Mexico, where they were later found. The Breitbart version of that story: Mexico sent its dishonest media to steal a hardworking white American’s shirt off his back.

Spot of T. rex
Paleontologists are arguing that a branch of dinosaurs that includes the Tyrannosaurus rex evolved earlier than previously thought and probably came from what is now Britain. The researchers said their first clue was that all dinosaurs had such bad teeth.