Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, when people do awful things to beer, like dying it green or dropping a shot of whiskey into it. Or both. But this year, there are some new awful things you can do to your brew.
Have you ever ordered a pint, looked at the head and thought, “I wish there was something witty written there?” You’re in luck. Now you can print images and text on the foam of your beer with Beer Ripples. Our suggestion: “I’m Not Usually A Beer Drinker.”
And for those who want to take a sip of a pint and look like they had a lap dance, there’s glitterbeer. Some breweries are offering brews with edible glitter in it. The best news here is that when you have the beer s&^ts the next day, you’ll sparkle.
Why do some people live to be very, very old? Science would argue that the odds of a few people out of a population of 6 billion living well beyond the normal age range is very high. But that doesn’t make for fun local news stories. If you love getting bad advice from old people, you’ll love this one.
Matilda Curcia of San Diego turned 100 last week, and of course she was asked what she attributes her longevity to. Her answer: beer and potato chips. She has a beer every night and three potato chips, and neither amount sounds worth living for. She also said she exercises every day.
It seems like every time we start having a national conversation about something, there’s always one faction that wonders what the Founding Fathers would say about the issue. This has always struck me as crazy. You know how talking with your grandparents eventually leads to them saying something horribly outdated and makes you feel awkward? Multiply that by five times. That’s how backward those people would be in any conversation by today’s standards. If you were busy beating Canada to win a gold medal this week, odds are you missed it.
“It says here I shouldn’t call you losers”
During a meeting discussing last week’s mass shooting at a high school in Florida, President Donald Trump was caught holding a card with a few empathetic responses, including, “I hear you.” People criticized him for this, but I’m glad he had an empathy card with him. It’s a welcome change from what he normally reads from, Cards Against Humanity.
Second Lady Karen Pence this week at a conservative conference portrayed her husband as a regular guy, who enjoys kicking back on Friday nights with a pizza and some O’Doul’s non-alcoholic beer. You know, a regular guy who calls his wife “mother,” refuses to eat with women who aren’t his wife, and drinks fake beer on his cheat day.
Used to be the pizza guy arrived when the sex started
Speaking of pizza, an adult toy company has just released a smart vibrator that can be, and this is true, order you a pizza after you finish using it. Ladies, save yourselves some money. Get a boyfriend, he’ll gladly pay for pizza after you’re done.
When you think of drinking in the ancient world, you probably think about wine. You’re not wrong. But it turns out that cabernet sauvignon isn’t the only paleo booze out there. Especially in the cradle of democracy.
Researchers have discovered a lot of evidence that the ancient Greeks brewed and drank beer. At the sites of two ancient Greek towns dating back to 2000 B.C., scientists found some buildings associated with brewing and grains used to make beer, as well as a whole bunch of cups near the grains.
The only thing is that because the cups are shaped in a way that drinking out of them would be very difficult, researchers believe the ancient Greeks drank beer with straws. And who does that?
Fact: We here at SG love beer. Truthfully, we’re probably more beer snobs than non-beer snobs, but if it’s amber and alcoholic, it’ll go down smooth enough. As such, we want to give you the news about beer whenever it’s out. The Guys like to think of it as giving back to the community.
But don’t worry, East Coast bar-hoppers, there’s news for you too. In New York, patrons of EVR will be able to use Bitcoin, the virtual currency, to pay for their drinks. Sure, it’s just more moon-math like Xbox Live points that make no sense, but why think when you can drink?
Regardless, be careful if you drink a lot. The Germans (retired and now doing science-y stuff after they bombed Pearl Harbor) have discovered arsenic in the filtering process for beer. United States researchers are saying it’s no big thing, as it’s always been there. Will it kill you? Will it not kill you? Who knows, but apparently the chemical makes the delectable nectar sparkle in the light. I’d say that’s a nice trade-off for potential death.
It’s Thursday, and if you don’t have happy hour plans, now is the time to change that. But don’t waste your happy hour socializing, have a goal. How about you try to drink like a Czech? Because as it turns out, the Czechs are mere mortals after all.
A study has found that people in the Czech Republic, the biggest beer drinking country in the world, have the same size bellies as any other human. There’s nothing special to their abilities, aside from probably being able to rally quickly after heaving to.
Doctors measured weight, waist to hip ratio (WHR), and body mass index (BMI). In men the beer intake was weakly associated with WHR, although only among nonsmokers. Beer intake had no relationship to BMI. In women, there was no relationship at all between beer consumption and WHR, and a weak inverse association with BMI. (Inverse association is science-ese that means BMI was lower among drinkers.) Conclusion: It is unlikely that beer drinking has anything to do with obesity.
You have your homework, America. Get to it, and don’t worry about getting fat!
Every now and then Jesus likes to show up in unexpected places. You know, in pieces of toast and things like that. But now our lord and savior has decided to enjoy a brew.
A man in Florida says he found Jesus, and oddly enough, he’s a fan of Corona Light. Fred Truluck was walking his dog when he spotted a fish-shaped piece of a case of beer. Jesus didn’t look like a fish, as everyone knows, but on the fish-shaped box was the outline of Jesus. Or perhaps it was just the outline of some other long-haired dude. We’ll never know.
HBO’s hit show Game of Thrones, and the book series it is fashioned after, has established quite the loyal following, so it’s time to cash in. The obvious choice would be GOT mobile games, but HBO zigged instead. Introducing Game of Thrones beer.
Brewery Ommegang in Cooperstown, N.Y. will be brewing Iron Throne Blonde Ale in time for the season three, with more brews sure to come. They should come with a warning that if you consume more than two, every brown-haired, bearded white guy on the show looks the same.
Really, HBO? Why not start with a Boardwalk Empire bathtub gin? Or a True Blood red wine? Any beverage associated with The Newsroom would have to just be a hangover, as the drink happened a while ago and we can now see the consequences of it.