God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates robots. Robots destroy man. It’s the shadow of a dark future looming over our heads. All the time we are building smarter and more automated machines, on top of this, we’re teaching them things about ourselves, so it stands to reason they will get tired or reading our whiny Facebook posts, snap, and kill us all.
One day, when our robot masters decide to write history e-books, they will show that the beginning of the end of mankind occurred during the 2014 Major League Baseball All-Star Game, of all places. There aren’t any robot baseball players, that would actually be kind of cool. Actually, it’s the dawn of the automated bartender.
In 2003, Brazil realized that its soccer fans were getting a bit too drunk and rowdy during matches, so it banned the sale of alcohol in “football” stadiums. (It would make more sense to ban soccer, but whatever.) But FIFA made Brazil end their prohibition for the World Cup.
In a tribute to AMC’s The Walking Dead, Dock Street Brewing in Philadelphia is releasing a special batch of beer, called Dock Street Walker. The brew does more than just tie its name to a show arbitrarily, it’s actually got ingredients inspired by the show. Namely, this American pale stout has goat brains in it.
Of course, true fans of the show will know that the zombies on The Walking Dead don’t care about brains, it’s the flesh and everything else, too. In fact, there are very few zombie universes out there where the undead even care about which part of the body they are chowing down on. So this really is just a salute to certain aspects of zombie culture, and — hey, where are you going?
It needs to be said, wearing a suit all day is stressful work, that’s why it’s perfectly acceptable for the C-suiters and government execs to keep booze in their offices. But Hickenlooper is now mainlining it. He’s got three taps, which will of course feature different Colorado beers.
Of course, the marijuana crowd chimed in to harsh Hickenlooper’s mellow, saying that the governor is eager to embrace craft brewing, but continues to keep marijuana at, like … dude, what were we talking about?
If you’re into drinking on Mondays, today is a big day for you. Once again we’ve reached St. Patrick’s Day, the one day anyone wears green, in honor of a Scotsman who invaded a country, saw there were no snakes, and claimed to have driven them out himself.
In Ireland, so I am told, today isn’t really a big deal. Sure, it’s cause for celebration, but the pubs used to be closed for the day until the 1970s because it’s a Catholic feast day. So really, the Irish go out and drink, but they don’t get as crazy as we do here in America.
President Barack Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper placed a friendly wager on the outcome of the U.S.-Canada men’s and women’s ice hockey outcomes when the teams faced each other in Sochi last month. The winner would get a case of beer from the loser’s home country. The five of you out there who care about hockey may also recall that the U.S. teams of both genders both lost. That means Obama owes Harper two cases of beer
Finally, Obama’s doing something truly American: not admitting that we lost. We did that in the War of 1812 (we got our asses handed to us, but got a sweet treaty), the Korean War (draw), and Vietnam (Rambo doesn’t count), and we’re doing it again! Mr. Harper, if you want some of America’s finest beer, why don’t you come down here and take it from us.
As it turns out, beer costs less than water in some Irish supermarkets, way less. In some locations, a bottle of beer costs only 50 Euro cents, while a bottle of water costs 1.50. Let’s keep in mind that beer is made from water, and has other fun stuff, like alcohol added into it.
We can only assume that water costs so much because whiskey comes out of the faucets at home.
It’s no secret that humanity’s greatest threat today is whales and dolphins. People have been eating them for thousands of years, and using them for fuel for a few centuries. We’ve come close to defeating them, but not close enough. What could be better than eating these mammals of the sea? Making them into beer.
The next time you walk into a bar, be careful, there may be a church service going on.
Across the country, several churches are turning to suds to attract new congregants. Most of the ministries are Lutheran, which makes sense, because only heathens could come up with an idea like this. Other congregations stay in their churches and bring craft beer to the pews.
So if you’ve got a hangover on Sunday morning, maybe you should have the hair of the dog with Jesus.