Have a beer to boost creativity, researchers say

Don’t you hate it when you’ve had a few drinks, then you come up with a great idea but forget to write it down? From now on, you should have a paper and pencil with you, because drinking helps you brainstorm.

According to scientists in Austria, having a pint of beer or glass of wine makes you think in more creative ways. That means you should lobby your boss to allow drinking in the office so you can be a better problem solver. We recommend first getting your boss a little drunk first. You know, so he or she is thinking more creatively..

The test also showed that alcohol wrecks basically all your non-creative thinking, and especially your concentration. But you didn’t have the attention span to read this far down, anyway.

Always check your beer for lizards before drinking

It’s summertime and nothing sounds better than a nice cold beer to cool off. Unfortunately, humans aren’t the only ones thinking that way these days.

A man in California is suing Heineken after he found not one, but two dead geckos in his beer. He noticed an off taste from the beer, which shows he has a refined palette, since it’s Heineken, and became sickened after the two lizards were found at the bottom of the bottle. This incident happened two years ago, but the lawsuit is new, and given that lizard beer seems to be a worldwide trend, it seems like a good time to panic.

Remember, you should find happiness, not lizards, at the bottom of your drink.

Only in Philly is cheap beer considered a problem

Philadelphia as a city peaked 241 years ago, when a bunch of out-of-towners showed up and signed their names on a piece of paper that sits in another city. Now the cheese steak-eating dumpster swimmers who live there have another thing to complain about: soda prices.

The city’s tax on soda is so high that beer actually costs less than soda, according to a study by the Tax Foundation, which you can guess by the name thinks that taxes in general are bad. The foundation bemoans that people are going to drive outside of the city limits so that they can escape this tyrannical tax on sugar water.

This study has an obvious flaw: it assumes that inexpensive beer is a problem. We’re smack dab in the middle of a craft beer revolution, not to mention a decades-long decline in soda consumption. Complaining about a soda tax is like complaining about rock music — no one cares about it anymore, we moved on. As long as the beer prices are down, it will truly always be sunny in Philadelphia.

Editor’s note: The only reason to drink soda is when it’s a mixer.

Woman drinks low-carb beer with dead lizard in it

Here in America, we take it for granted that there aren’t dead animals sealed inside our beer bottles — until the craft beer movement decides that’s the next cool trend anyway. But if you go drinking in the land of New Zeals, make sure to look your drink over first.

A New Zealand woman reports that she found a dead lizard at the bottom of a beer she was enjoying over the weekend. She took to Facebook to complain that her Pure Blonde beer, an Australian low-carb brew, had a nasty surprise at the bottom. What’s worse than finding a dead lizard in your beer? Being forced to admit online that you drink low-carb beer, which tastes so bad that you couldn’t tell there was a dead animal soaking in it.

We’ll just stick with Zima, thanks.

Man’s collection of 9,000 beer cans going up for sale

A lot of people like beer, but it takes a certain type of beer fan to collect beer cans. We’re not talking about the empties in your recycling bin, we mean organized, preserved beer cans put on display. If this sounds like you, you’re in luck.

In England, one man is getting rid of his collection of 9,000-plus beer can collection. And if you guessed that it’s because his wife is tired of it, pat yourself on the back. In 1975, the woman who would later become Nick West’s wife gave him a book on beer, kicking off his collection. Since then, he has tracked down and bought thousands of different beer cans for what he calls his library. Now, they happy couple plan to downsize to a smaller house, and West’s wife doesn’t want the cans crowding up the new place.

So if you’re a beer can collector, and single, it might be time to reach out and make a purchase.

Man gets arrested, out of jury duty for showing up drunk

Jury duty is a hassle for most people, which is why jokes about how to get out of serving on jury are so popular. But if you try one of these schemes, make sure it doesn’t put you in jail.

In Texas, authorities say a 23-year-old man showed up for jury duty visibly drunk with a beer in hand. The man was seen on the courthouse steps in a stupor, drinking from a large cup. Deputies soon found the man was there for jury duty, and the cup in question had beer in it.

He was arrested and charged with public intoxication. And he probably got out of jury duty, too.

Ancient letter: Send more wine

A long time ago, if you wanted to communicate with someone who wasn’t within shouting distance, you had to write something down and have someone physically carry your message to them. Think of it as e-mail, but without the E. And because of one of these cell phone-less text messages, we now know that soldiering in 600 B.C. was thirsty work.

In 1965, archaeologists in modern-day Israel found a shard of a pot with some writing on it. It turned out to be a letter from one soldier to another. (This was ancient times, and pottery was shattering all the time, so using shards for stationery was apparently a common thing.) But since the letter was more than 2,500 years old, the writing had faded a bit. Researchers using modern technology were able to uncover the previously hidden message and it’s a request for more wine. The letter also talks about other goods and a trade, but really hammers home that the author really needs more wine, and the recipient should be a chum and ship him some.

What’s even better is that the soldiers could be talking about beer, not wine. Grapes don’t grow in the Middle East, so it’s more likely that it was an alcoholic drink made from the grains that do grow there, maybe even honey. Translations of these ancient words were done centuries later by people who drank wine because trade was way better and it was a status symbol. They saw some ancient word for an alcoholic beverage and thought “wine,” when it was probably a drink closer to beer.

This shard could be evidence of the first beer run.

World is drinking less, despite Guys’ best efforts

We can’t do this alone, people.

Global alcohol sales were down 1.3% last year, and no one knows why. The world economy has been improving, and global gross domestic product was up 3.1%, which should mean that people around the world have the cash to go boozing, but they just aren’t.

It gets worse. In the U.S., which we don’t need to tell you is still in a craft beer renaissance, beer volumes are dropping because we’re not drinking as much. Over at Big Beer hegemon Anheuser-Busch Inbev, only Budweiser and Bud Light were able to stop the freefall they’ve been in for years.

The good news is that more Americans appear to be drinking liquor again, especially whiskey.

Citizens of the world, The Guys need your help. The brewers and distillers, heck, maybe even the winemakers, of the world are making booze for us to drink. Those bottles aren’t going to empty themselves. Let’s get to work.

Germany builds beer pipeline because Germany

Not even a beer pipeline is immune to tribal protests.

In the future, we won’t have to worry about beer being shipped from point A to point B (even though we all love a beer truck accident). It will just come out of the pipes. We’re pleased to tell you that the future is here, but only in a certain part of Germany.

If you’re planning on going to the Wacken Open Air music festival in the German state of Schleswig-Holstein, you’ll be sipping a brew brought to you through a four-mile-long pipeline. The thinking is that there is so much beer consumed at this festival that it’s much easier to move the beer through a buried pipeline than it is to constantly haul in a bunch of kegs.

You ever order a beer when the bar is changing the keg? Imagine that, except the keg line that’s all foamed up is four miles long. You’re going to be waiting a while.

One day we will travel to a beer planet

When scientists make a discovery, they can name that thing pretty much whatever they want. There don’t seem to be any real naming rules for stuff, and that’s how we end up with spiders being named for a hat in Harry Potter. Fortunately, a lot of researchers out there like booze.

A group of researchers at Belgium’s University of Liege are big fans of Trappist beers, so much so that they named a planetary system after them. TRAPPIST-1 is a short 40 light-years away, and has seven Earth-size planets, and three of them could even support life. And now, each of the planets bears the name of a Trappist brewery, such as Chimay, Westmalle and Spencer.

Trappist beers come from monasteries that brew their own beer as a means of financially supporting themselves. They have a certification and everything. It makes sense that a bunch of dudes hanging out for the rest of their lives would figure out how to make beer on the side.

Unfortunately, this means that it’s inevitable that some American scientist will discover the planet Budweiser.