Now we’re letting animals choose our beer for us

The U.S. craft beer market is pretty well saturated, and it’s no secret that this is forcing breweries to do some stunts to get attention from the public. But this (and sparkle beer) is where we draw the line.

A brewery in Los Angeles will soon introduce a beer whose ingredients were picked out by a bear. We’ve gotten to the point that we need animals to select what kind of beer we’re going to drink.

Earlier this month, Simmzy’s brewery placed several different ingredients near a bear at the L.A. Zoo. The bear chose hibiscus flower and honey. And so the bear’s honey-hibiscus beer will be available next month as part of a beer fundraiser.

Maybe Japanese brewers can have their psychic octopus pick beer ingredients. Oh wait.

City wants to force sobriety during hurricanes

When a storm hits, it’s time to crack one open, but that won’t be the case any longer for one Florida city.

Cape Coral, Florida has passed an ordinance banning the sale of beer during a state of emergency. The iron hand of the city wants to keep people off the roads during a hurricane, especially when it comes to making a beer run. The city has already had the ability to ban the sales of other kinds of booze, but beer was still allowed — until now that is.

So start making your hurricane preparedness kit now. You don’t want to be caught sober when the storm moves in.

Live free or *burp* die

Americans love beer, although, not as much as we used to. Still, as a country we value cracking open a couple and watching the game. Or cracking open a couple and relaxing on the beach. Or cracking open a couple and complaining about our spouse or boss to anyone within earshot. We like beer. But which state likes beer the most?

According to recent data, New Hampshire likes beer the most, drinking some 40.6 gallons per capita. The Midwest dominates the rest of the top five, with Montana at 39.4, North Dakota at 38.3, South Dakota at 38.2, and Wisconsin at 34.3. Maine comes in sixth at 33.8, Nebraska at 33.3, Nevada at 32.9, Vermont at 32.8, and Texas at 31.8.

At the time this data was collected all of The Guys lived in Virginia. So we promise you we’ll try harder to represent our great state for next year’s stats.

Science finally finds a negative health impact from drinking

Pretty much every other day, heavy-drinking scientists come out with a new study declaring the health benefits of boozing it up on the reg. But did you know that there is actually a negative health effect?

According to a new study, drinking alcohol isn’t always good for you. In fact, it can mess up the balance of good bacteria and bad bacteria in your mouth. Researchers found that drinking alcohol tends to kill the good bacteria in your mouth, which could lead to health problems later in life.

So why not have another round? You’re probably been drinking for so many years that you’re doomed anyhow.

Now your beer can sparkle, contain a message

Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, when people do awful things to beer, like dying it green or dropping a shot of whiskey into it. Or both. But this year, there are some new awful things you can do to your brew.

Have you ever ordered a pint, looked at the head and thought, “I wish there was something witty written there?” You’re in luck. Now you can print images and text on the foam of your beer with Beer Ripples. Our suggestion: “I’m Not Usually A Beer Drinker.”

And for those who want to take a sip of a pint and look like they had a lap dance, there’s glitter beer. Some breweries are offering brews with edible glitter in it. The best news here is that when you have the beer s&^ts the next day, you’ll sparkle.

Beer, chips secret to longevity, 100-year-old says

Why do some people live to be very, very old? Science would argue that the odds of a few people out of a population of 6 billion living well beyond the normal age range is very high. But that doesn’t make for fun local news stories. If you love getting bad advice from old people, you’ll love this one.

Matilda Curcia of San Diego turned 100 last week, and of course she was asked what she attributes her longevity to. Her answer: beer and potato chips. She has a beer every night and three potato chips, and neither amount sounds worth living for. She also said she exercises every day.

We’ll stick with the beer and chips, thank you.

You Missed It: Cue card edition

6) How unfairly do you think the media treat me?

It seems like every time we start having a national conversation about something, there’s always one faction that wonders what the Founding Fathers would say about the issue. This has always struck me as crazy. You know how talking with your grandparents eventually leads to them saying something horribly outdated and makes you feel awkward? Multiply that by five times. That’s how backward those people would be in any conversation by today’s standards. If you were busy beating Canada to win a gold medal this week, odds are you missed it.

“It says here I shouldn’t call you losers”
During a meeting discussing last week’s mass shooting at a high school in Florida, President Donald Trump was caught holding a card with a few empathetic responses, including, “I hear you.” People criticized him for this, but I’m glad he had an empathy card with him. It’s a welcome change from what he normally reads from, Cards Against Humanity.

VP N/A
Second Lady Karen Pence this week at a conservative conference portrayed her husband as a regular guy, who enjoys kicking back on Friday nights with a pizza and some O’Doul’s non-alcoholic beer. You know, a regular guy who calls his wife “mother,” refuses to eat with women who aren’t his wife, and drinks fake beer on his cheat day.

Used to be the pizza guy arrived when the sex started
Speaking of pizza, an adult toy company has just released a smart vibrator that can be, and this is true, order you a pizza after you finish using it. Ladies, save yourselves some money. Get a boyfriend, he’ll gladly pay for pizza after you’re done.

Don’t drink beer like the ancient Greeks

“Name an IPA after me, not that jerk Pliny.”

When you think of drinking in the ancient world, you probably think about wine. You’re not wrong. But it turns out that cabernet sauvignon isn’t the only paleo booze out there. Especially in the cradle of democracy.

Researchers have discovered a lot of evidence that the ancient Greeks brewed and drank beer. At the sites of two ancient Greek towns dating back to 2000 B.C., scientists found some buildings associated with brewing and grains used to make beer, as well as a whole bunch of cups near the grains.

The only thing is that because the cups are shaped in a way that drinking out of them would be very difficult, researchers believe the ancient Greeks drank beer with straws. And who does that?

Beer news round up

Fact: We here at SG love beer. Truthfully, we’re probably more beer snobs than non-beer snobs, but if it’s amber and alcoholic, it’ll go down smooth enough. As such, we want to give you the news about beer whenever it’s out. The Guys like to think of it as giving back to the community.

For our fans that live in California, soon you may be able to drink longer. How is that a bad thing? Answer: it’s not.

But don’t worry, East Coast bar-hoppers, there’s news for you too. In New York, patrons of EVR will be able to use Bitcoin, the virtual currency, to pay for their drinks. Sure, it’s just more moon-math like Xbox Live points that make no sense, but why think when you can drink?

Regardless, be careful if you drink a lot. The Germans (retired and now doing science-y stuff after they bombed Pearl Harbor) have discovered arsenic in the filtering process for beer. United States researchers are saying it’s no big thing, as it’s always been there. Will it kill you? Will it not kill you? Who knows, but apparently the chemical makes the delectable nectar sparkle in the light. I’d say that’s a nice trade-off for potential death.

Drink yourself thin

It’s Thursday, and if you don’t have happy hour plans, now is the time to change that. But don’t waste your happy hour socializing, have a goal. How about you try to drink like a Czech? Because as it turns out, the Czechs are mere mortals after all.

A study has found that people in the Czech Republic, the biggest beer drinking country in the world, have the same size bellies as any other human. There’s nothing special to their abilities, aside from probably being able to rally quickly after heaving to.

Doctors measured weight, waist to hip ratio (WHR), and body mass index (BMI). In men the beer intake was weakly associated with WHR, although only among nonsmokers. Beer intake had no relationship to BMI. In women, there was no relationship at all between beer consumption and WHR, and a weak inverse association with BMI. (Inverse association is science-ese that means BMI was lower among drinkers.) Conclusion: It is unlikely that beer drinking has anything to do with obesity.

You have your homework, America. Get to it, and don’t worry about getting fat!