Krispy Kreme doughnut beer signals end of craft revolution

All movements have a messy and disorganized end. Usually, the revolutionaries end up eating themselves. The French Revolution overthrew a king and ended in state murders of anyone who didn’t pass an ideological purity test. Republicans misread the election of Donald Trump and nominated a pedophile for the Senate. The list goes on. Now, the craft beer movement has officially collapsed on itself.

The end has come in Florida, where most things go to die. There, a pair of breweries have teamed up to create a beer brewed with glazed and creme-filled doughnuts from Krispy Kreme. Hidden Springs Ale Works and Arkane Aleworks are bringing Floridians a Russian imperial stout that checks in at 12.5% ABV and will treat your senses to a beer, but “hopefully with some doughnut flavor,” according to one brewer.

The doughnut beer will be hitting the shelves in January. Just in time for all those New Year’s diets.

Man cracks a few open after being locked in beer cooler

It sounds like some kind of mixture of a dream and a nightmare: being locked inside a beer cooler overnight.

A Wisconsin man was perusing the selection in the walk-in beer cooler at a convenience store, when the door automatically locked at midnight, trapping him inside. Rather than pounding on the doors so an employee would come let him out, he decided to stay and help himself to a few brewskies, since he couldn’t purchase any alcohol after midnight. By the time a customer let him out at 6 a.m., he had killed a tallboy of Icehouse (of course) and three cans of Four Loko, which is apparently still around.

But because there is no justice in the world, the man was charged with theft. The store locked him in there, and yet he’s the one who police say has committed a crime.

Drink your menopause away

Hi ladies. You probably haven’t gone through menopause if you’re a reader of this site, but that day will come one day. And we’re here to tell you that you won’t have to fear all the negative symptoms, because you can self medicate with beer.

Portsmouth Brewery in New Hampshire (which The Guys have been to) has created a beer designed to alleviate the symptoms associated with menopause. Brewers consulted with herbalists to create a beer that has herbal remedies for stuff like hot flashes, sleeplessness and mood swings. They call it “Libeeration,” and it checks in at 6.1%, which is good, because being able to get a good buzz going can relieve a lot of different symptoms.

We’ll believe that a beer can stop mood swings when bars no longer have people crying in their drinks.

Drinking makes you feel good, science claims

Everyone, stop what you’re doing, take a deep breath and collect yourself. The next sentence is so earth-shattering you will likely never view life the same way again. Beer makes you happy.

Researchers in Germany (of course) have found that a compound in beer called Hordenine activate the dopamine receptors in your brain. Meaning, your brain basically treats the compound as if it were dopamine. Scientists said Hordenine is found in beer because large amounts of it exist in malted barley, a key ingredient in beer.

Ready for some even better news? Barley is also used to make a lot of whiskies, so it seems likely to us that the same compound will be found in the brown stuff, too.

It’s Friday, go out and make yourself happy.

39% of people have been drunk, naked in public

You can’t consider yourself an experienced drinker unless you know someone who has gotten naked in public, according to a new survey.

Some 39% of Americans said they have disrobed in public while drunk. That’s a little over one in three people. If that sounds high to you, just know that it is completely accurate for The Guys. (We’ll let you fantasize about which one it is.) The survey asked if people had ever gotten publicly naked, not if they often do, so one time counts. And those who said they had stripped said they had been drinking beer when it happened, so your whitty T-shirt sayings about tequila are false.

Also, only 9% had been arrested while drunk (The Guys are higher), 6% had set fires (way higher) and 3% had gotten a tattoo (accurate).

How does your group of friends match up?

Fun police won’t let New Zealand barbershops serve free drinks

The Kiwis have come up with an ingenious idea, as long as you don’t mind a little hair in your drink. But it could be last call for a policy we need to adopt in the U.S.

Many New Zealand barbershops give complimentary glasses of beer or wine with a haircut. Yes, there is free beer served at barbershops. Customers can sip away while their barber does his or her thing. But now, the police are cracking down on this amazing policy, because someone out there isn’t happy with people boozing it up in that sort of setting.

The Guys have been around a while. We’ve never traveled to New Zealand, but it seems like news of such an awesome and apparently nationwide tradition would have reached us several times over by now. With Movember around the corner, perhaps we should plan a trip.

British citizens urged to drown wasps in booze

Luckily for humanity, insects can drown, except for fire ants. And in the U.K., citizens are being asked by researchers to drown wasps in beer, in the name of science.

Ecologists are asking U.K. citizens to leave a glass of beer in their gardens to attract and kill wasps, so that they can be examined. Wasps are notorious drunks. The researchers want to do a sort of headcount on wasp species, and figure this is a good way to do it.

Predictably, animal rights activists are upset that scientists are asking the public to kill wasps, saying that the alcohol traps will kill other insects, like honeybees.

But the only real concern here should be that this plan involves wasting perfectly good beer, albeit for a noble cause.

Texans to brave storm with liquid courage

Folks, we want our readers to be safe. Also, we don’t want to get sued for anything. That’s why if you’re one of our coastal Texas readers, RUN, BITCH! Hurricane Harvey is coming!

But if you’re dumb (and if you live in Texas, there’s a pretty good chance of that), and you decide to hang around for a Category 3 hurricane that’s supposed to just sit over your head for a week, grab some booze. That’s the advice Houston-area bars and liquor stores are giving, and the citizenry is listening. Beer, wine and liquor sales are way up ahead of the potentially deadly storm people should probably be sober for.

Key quote from a Houston bartender:

Regardless, if you’re craving hard liquor this weekend, Hunt suggests making a Greyhound, which is vodka and grapefruit juice. “It’s light, refreshing and simple. There is a hurricane happening! Ain’t no one got time for a complicated, multi-step process.”

Hunt says she’ll be drinking wine during the storm “and lots of it,” and suggests 19 Crimes Cabernet.

Have a beer to boost creativity, researchers say

Don’t you hate it when you’ve had a few drinks, then you come up with a great idea but forget to write it down? From now on, you should have a paper and pencil with you, because drinking helps you brainstorm.

According to scientists in Austria, having a pint of beer or glass of wine makes you think in more creative ways. That means you should lobby your boss to allow drinking in the office so you can be a better problem solver. We recommend first getting your boss a little drunk first. You know, so he or she is thinking more creatively..

The test also showed that alcohol wrecks basically all your non-creative thinking, and especially your concentration. But you didn’t have the attention span to read this far down, anyway.