There must always be a stout in Winterfell

HBO’s hit show Game of Thrones, and the book series it is fashioned after, has established quite the loyal following, so it’s time to cash in. The obvious choice would be GOT mobile games, but HBO zigged instead. Introducing Game of Thrones beer.

Brewery Ommegang in Cooperstown, N.Y. will be brewing Iron Throne Blonde Ale in time for the season three, with more brews sure to come. They should come with a warning that if you consume more than two, every brown-haired, bearded white guy on the show looks the same.

Really, HBO? Why not start with a Boardwalk Empire bathtub gin? Or a True Blood red wine? Any beverage associated with The Newsroom would have to just be a hangover, as the drink happened a while ago and we can now see the consequences of it.

Beware the intentions of animals that approach you with beer

The Guys don’t think it’s absurd to state that clearly, animals are now on one big public relations tour. First, it was the shark that somehow didn’t try to eat a sea-stranded man (he must not have looked like Samuel L. Jackson). And now? Now, there are horses that deliver beer to you.

Good grief.

Okay, so we should probably reword that some. The horses in question, the Budweiser Clydesdale horses, don’t just deliver beer at the drop of a hat. Instead, they made a stop in Massachusetts last week to drop off a prize that a man won in a contest. Which is neat, seeing incredibly strong enemies of ours in this war forced to bend to our whims.

But the prize was a case of beer. Budweiser beer. It’s quite literally the case of win some, lose some.

It’s not the size of the glass, it’s the motion of the potion

As we leave you for a three day weekend, we take a look at the sport of boozing. New research in the field (or “bar”) indicates that people drink beer faster when served in a high-falutin’ curved glass than from traditional pint glass. The drinkers finished curvy beers five minutes faster, taking up to 12 minutes to consume their plain-jane drafts.

The brave beer scientists believe it’s not physics at play here, but a matter of human psychology or, more to the point, perception.

Your average drinker measures their progress in degrees, like “half-empty” or “half-full.” They then use this halfway marker to determine whether they are drinking too fast or too slow. But, with a curvy glass, the midway point becomes hazy, just like the drinker himself. Unable to determine how much beer is “half,” they are no longer able to moderate their drinking and finish, on average, in seven minutes instead of 12.

To avoid falling victim to this sensation, the Guys suggest thinking of your beer as neither half-empty nor half-full, but as a wasted opportunity for another full glass.

It’s an exchange in the loosest term of the word

Let your alcohol-enjoying taste buds fear tyranny at the gas pump no longer! Beer-anny, as we like to call it, for the longest time, was relegated to forcing a person to drink down the worst swill possible: Icehouse, Bud-anything, Colt 45, King Cobra, Coors, MGD and so forth. At some locations, you might be lucky enough to score a Sam Adam’s sixer, but hope is little and far away. But no more if the gas station you frequent is of the Sunoco brand!

Sunoco has so far piloted its Craft Beer Exchange program at 12 locations and to much success! The program allows customers access to 64-oz. growlers or 6-packs of 12-oz. bottles that can be filled with craft-brew brands like Allagash, Abita, Dogfish Head, and Victory. In other words, beer that actually tastes good. This program will now be tested out in South Carolina and hopefully into other locations!

May your gas tank be full and your mouth be overflowing with tasty beverages! Just not necessarily at the same time.

PSA: Things to remember when boozing

The Guys are aware that it’s tough to remember things when drinking, which is why God invented underwear and Sharpies. Drunkards, write these down before you go out:

1. Always drink from a clean glass. Minnesota beer salesman and enthusiast (because it’s not a job if it’s a passion) Joe Falkowski would like you to know that some pint glass cleaning methods leave soap residue, which can ruin the taste of your beer. Soap residue prevents suds from getting a good grip, so remember: if your beer leaves streaks, the glass is clean. (Or, basically, the opposite of how you know you’ve wiped enough.)*

2. Never tap a minor, especially as your designated driver. If you’ve had a few and absolutely must get to the store, don’t be a Shawn Weimer. Yes, your kid is probably more sober than you are right now, but that’s not a judgment call on her part. This is still the person who still needs reminders not to climb furniture ladders and finds the latest Adam Sandler releases endlessly hilarious. In short: drunk you equals sober child.

Thank you, and be sure to always drink in numbers, because that’s where safety lies.

*Special thanks to longtime friend of the site, Groonk, for the link!

Starbucks wants to Irish up your coffee

And by that, we mean beat you senselessly with a shillelagh. No, no, no, of course we don’t mean that. Well, at least for the most part.

Starbucks, the famous coffee giant, has always been in the flavored coffee business, but now, they’re looking to jump into the flavored coffee with flavor business. Having tested the plan here and there in a few Seattle and Portland stores, locations in Atlanta and Southern California will, over the year, have their menu expanded to include items such as beer and wine. Oh sure, there’ll be new food items as well, but pffft, why fill up your stomach with food when you can fill it up with more booze?

The Octoberfest Report

And now a recap from the world’s second greatest drinking event of the year (right behind the day after Christmas): Octoberfest.

The main event, Munich, was the true success story this year. The 6.9 million visitors set a new record, consuming 7.5 million liters (1.65 million gallons) of beer, or one Shamu tank. That only works out to over 1 liter (or less than a quarter gallon) per person, but some of them were probably children who are famous for getting very drunk on very little.

But even more surprising is that, despite drinking more, there were only 58 recorded brawls in which fighters wielded their giant beer steins as weapons. Looks like their priorities — and hearts — were in the right place.

This year was also the first wet Octoberfest for the small Alabama town of Cullman. Located an hour from Huntsville, the city has anually celebrated Octoberfest since 1977 even though they had never repealed their Prohibition era laws against alcohol. Until this year. We don’t have any numbers from their event, but we can only assume they also had fewer fights with the addition of any alcohol.

That’s just math, people.

Russians drink beer and piss all over it

Russians faced a conundrum that only President Dmitry Medvedev could resolve. Russian law stated that anything with less than 10% alcohol was merely foodstuff, but even then only barely if you didn’t wrestle it yourself.

But then they started importing beer. They served it all hours of the day. They sold it to minors. They marketed as a healthy alternative to vodka and other spirits, just like we’ve been telling you for years. (Except liquor is good for, like, body builders and s@%t.)

So, Medvedev signed a law that officially classifies beer as alcohol with all the rules and taxes that implies.

Oh my god. It was the perfect world. All this time, it was … You finally really did it.

Take me to your brewer

The Space Shuttle program is coming to a close. While a lot of you out there might not care, you should, and here’s why: Not going into space means you can’t enjoy space beer.

We told you about how Sapporo Breweries grew barley from grains taken into space, but now, 4 Pines Brewing, of Australia, has come up with a beer designed for enjoyment by space tourists. They are saying with a straight face that even though zero gravity makes your tongue swell up a bit, affecting your sense of taste, the flavor of the beer will make its way through.

They say the altitude makes you get drunk faster on a plane, so maybe a single beer in space is enough to get smashed.

Editor’s note: Ever feel like all of our “That Whacky Australia” stuff is de facto “Booze News?”

Drink a piece of history

Some time in the early 19th century a ship was sailing across the Baltic Sea, bringing its cargo of champagne to the thirsty citizens on the distant shore. Only something went wrong, and the ship sank, taking the beloved booze with it.

Today, you can own a bottle of the oldest champagne around. The shipwreck was found last fall and bottles of champagne (and beer) were found, and as we called it all those months ago, the hootch is now up for auction! We don’t know about the beer and the other bottles, but two bottles of champagne will be up for auction in June, so get your wallets ready, drunkards.