‘Water lines’ are only the beginning

A dermatologist in Washington, DC has uncovered the latest threat to women everywhere: water lips. Specifically, Dr. Merliyn Berzin is referring to the lines that appear around your lips after sucking on sporty water bottles, cigarettes or … um, you know … for 30 or more years.

Dr. Berzin noticed more cases showing up now that women in the DC area drink water all day, believing it to be a miracle elixir that sheds excess pounds and hydrates hair, skin and nails. (Yeah, right. Next they’re gonna say we can’t live without water!)

What’s surprising about this story is that the women in the article are only complaining about the lines on their lips. There is another corresponding condition from drinking water all day: toilet-ring butt.

Yes, toilet-ring butt. A condition normally associated with people who eat too much pork is now common with women who drink water all day, every day. Women as young as 30 are showing up to doctors’ offices with bottoms that are normally found on 50-year-old Bears fans who often sit on the can for hours at a time.

There’s one answer to both of these health scourges: put down that water bottle! We hate to repeat ourselves, but you’ve left us no choice.

Driiiinks in spaaaaaace

You’ve tried every beer. You are tired of hearing the same old thing from beer merchants trying to sell you something that will taste better and get you more buzzed than ever. You just might be chasing the beer dragon. Fear not, bored boozer! Japan has come up with something that raises the bar several miles up: space beer.

Sapporo Breweries Ltd. has grown barley from grains that were taken into space and is using them for its new experimental beer. This is much like having a conversation with an astronaut’s son, it puts you less than three degrees away from space.

In other hammered happenings, the Anglo-commies have banned booze on London’s subway system, the Tube. Before the ban took effect on Sunday, English people held a system-wide party Saturday night drinking whatever they felt like bringing with them.

This is the latest assault on transportation-related multitasking. A similar ban is already in effect on drinking in car. However, it is still legal to drink while floating around on an umbrella.

France may surrender to Big Sobriety

Etienne Apaire — “head of a government body in charge of the fight against addiction to drugs or alcohol” — is shocked, SHOCKED, by the findings of recent alcohol surveys.

“He said research conducted in 2005 showed about one in four French 17-year-olds reported getting drunk at least three times in the previous 12 months, while one in 10 said they had got drunk 10 times or more.”

That’s right: one-quarter of all French 17 year-olds get drunk three times a year. (We’re guessing that New Year’s Eve, St. Patrick’s Day and Bastille Day are those three days.)

As such, Apaire has proposed to end Happy Hour, as if French drunks aren’t morose enough. Worse yet, he might not even be French because he’s suggested that French youth drink beer instead. Sacrebleu!

These Founding Guys could not be reached for comment.

Expressions of love

There’s a lot of talk going around amongst the womenfolk about how there are no good men out there, or that men are in capable of a meaningful relationship. We submit this to you as evidence to the contrary.

An Australian man was getting into his car with his 5-year-old daughter in one arm and a case of beer in the other. Being a responsible parent, and protecting what he loves, he buckled in one of the passengers. The only problem is he buckled in his beer and not his daughter. Strangely enough, the police were not happy to find this, and fined him A$750.

In Chicago, for some strange reason, one man calls Pabst Blue Ribbon his favorite beer. In case you one day happen to attend his funeral, you will know it, too, because he has designed a coffin that looks like a can of the beer. And for those of you entering the cause of death pool, cirrhosis has been taken already.

Alcoholism–bringing families together and being paid for it

Drinking with your own dad? Awkward. Drinking with someone else's? Not as much.Homer Simpson one gave a toast, claiming “To alcohol–the cause and solution for all of my problems.” Seemingly, the first part of that is normally true, as more often than not, how regularly do you hear of drunk drivers? Is it unusual to see that shirtless dude on COPS holding two or six empty beer bottles while having a dialogue with the local law enforcement? Do you enjoy hitting anything and everything after having a sip of the spirits?

Well guess what, alcohol is now fixing things! Case in point–a London man put out an ad asking for a jovial fellow to be paid to drink with his dad. The recipient of the job (a dream for many, including The Guys) gets paid for their time, plus expenses. Brilliant! The lucky gentleman to acquire the task actually turned out to be two lucky gentlemen … and Mike Hammond, the son in question, couldn’t be happier.

“Dad’s now going to be going down to the pub several times a week–three with his new friends and twice with me. I want to give him some of his old life back.”

Alcohol, fixing a family for every eight that it’s broken.

Oh yeah? Rake this, sucker!

In other news of drunken attacks between friends, two friends in Springfield, Massachusetts were hanging out, drinking some beer and doing some yard work. The usual. But then, things turned ugly.

The two friends got into an argument, and while the details are not quite clear, somebody got whacked around with a rake. Proving once again the age old addage, “Don’t drink a lot of beer with your friend while raking leaves, then insult his sister, because you may end up being an assault victim.”

The rake was not available for comment.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Beerfest’

The movie's got boobies and beerSG of note: Chug has not felt well at all this week. As such, to continue with a Broken Lizard theme for this month, he’s phoning in reposting his review of Beerfest. Next week will see a new review, though.

Beerfest starts out with a disclaimer warning the audience not to try this it at home. Why is this? Because you’ll die, that’s why. They have a point. Imitating the actions of the characters, or even build a drinking game behind this maddeningly uproarious, sud-soaked comedy aimed straight at the frat boy set (or just about anyone that likes to laugh), is to invite mortal peril, or at least a ridiculously bad hangover. With that in mind, let us please neglect to point out that this movie reviewer goes by the name of “Chugs.”

Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Beerfest’

It’s April 7 somewhere

Stop whatever you are doing and have a drink.

Good. Now that you have done that, we will tell you why. Seventy-five years ago today, the Volstead Act, better known as prohibition, was nearly torn down in a single swig, when 3.2 percent alcohol beer was allowed to be legally made and consumed again. Granted, it was not exactly strong beer, but hey, booze is booze.

The stronger beer meant we were one step closer to vanquishing the self-made demon known as prohibition, which was enough to drive a man to drink in the first place. To celebrate, at the broke of midnight April 7, 1933, Anheuser-Busch threw a party it called New Beer’s Eve.

It was only a matter of time, before freedom once again rang across the nation, and Lady Liberty could legally belly up to the bar.

The McBournie Minute: Bars are still fun

People at my last job in their forties told me that I would soon get tired of the bar scene–that after a few years of being able to drink, going to a bar would seem an unlikely and unnecessary choice. After being able to drink for nearly four years, I have found that the answer is yes and no.

When you get into the mode of trying to save cash whenever you can (especially if several of your selfish friends are planning to get married in the same year, and expect you to get hotel rooms and snazzy clothes for each of them), going to the bar doesn’t make any sense. Why would you want to go to a bar and pay much more for a drink you could pour yourself? On top of that, you have to tip the bartender. Don’t skimp on this, people. If you are too broke to tip, you are too broke to be at a bar. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Bars are still fun

A tax increase on pints? Blimey!

If there’s one thing this blog likes to do, it’s get all fired up about one of the topics we feel isn’t getting reported or not been reported fairly. Today, we get our dander up over alcohol, and the creeping fascism that seeks to destroy it once and for all.

In Britain, long known for its beverage-related tyranny, is now trying to oppress the drunks that stagger among them. The U.K.’s treasury chief raised taxes on beer. There are many things citizens in the U.K. can take (like financially supporting an antiquated and purely ceremonial lineage under the guise of a ruling status), but a beer tax is too much for boozing Britons to stand–well, if they were sober enough to stand.

In response to this clearly unreasonable taxation with representation, the citizens are mounting an Internet campaign, a “whiskey rebellion,” if you will, against Allistair Darling, the treasury chief. All over the country, pubs are putting up signs saying they will not serve Darling in their establishments. This blog firmly supports the movement, and hopes that our British, Scottish, Welsh and Cornish cousins will soon break free from the chains of oppression, so that they may one day sit down in a pub and drink their grog without fear of government intrusion.