A scientist and a philosopher made waves this week when they suggested that honeybees could have the capacity for consciousness.
According to the paper, honeybee brains are able to collect and process information about their surroundings much like the human midbrain. And the midbrain is basically all you need functioning in order to be considered alive and conscious. The Guys say, yeah, we know. You see, we’ve known that bugs and other animals are well aware of their actions, that’s why they have teamed up and continue to plot against us.
Now that science is finally coming around, we look forward to these same researchers helping us to wipe these evil beasts off the planet once and for all.
Nearly four years after we first warned you about them, it seems the mainstream media is at last catching on to the threat of zombie bees, better known as “zombees.”
The zombee plague appears to have started on the West Coast, and is making its way east. According to researchers, little flies insert eggs into the abdomens of honeybees and yellow jackets, and it drives them crazy. Before long, the bees are flying at night, and lurching around like zombies. Then they die.
Of course, experts are trying to keep the masses calm by insisting this only affects bees and yellow jackets, but since you read this blog, you know all to well that we’ll start seeing reports of humans being infected soon.
It’s summer, and that means there are some shark attack stories in the news. It’s good to be ready to fight a shark every time you go in the water, but other animals are far more deadly.
According to statistics on how many they kill a year, the deadliest animals are bees, wasps and hornets, followed closely by mammals except for the third and fourth most deadly, dogs and cows. So basically, if the bees team up with mice, dogs and deer, we’re all doomed.
They have found that lactic acid bacteria found in bees’ honey stomachs can help kill off antibiotic-resistant bugs, so it’s possible that those magical properties have transferred to mead from the honey it comes from.
Certain species actually prefer flowers treated with neonicotinoids to plain ass poseys. And that surprised the developers of it because they intentionally made it bitter to avoid such a reaction. Clearly, those researchers don’t drink coffee or smoke cigarettes (the latter of which contains the opposite of neonicotinoids: old, genuine nicotine).
So, thank you, D.A.R.E. officers for teaching us something useful besides how wearing skin-tight anti-drug t-shirts to raves is a great icebreaker.
It was so bad that Hammond had to close the store for two days in hopes that a local beekeeper might be able to get the bees out of the bakery. But you know what, and this will sound ridiculous given my history, we don’t even blame the bees. We blame the hippies, the natural, raw, organic food people that feel as if the only non-touched food is that which can cross their lips. Your demanding for natural honey is to blame! And how dare someone not know if it isn’t! Their requests, though the minority, must be fulfilled!
So yes, if you’re one of those people and you’re reading this, it’s your fault that Tawanda Hammond had to lose two days worth of business. Yours and a minimum 20 thousand stingers.
We could just declare that Delaware is now property of the bees, but we refuse to secede a portion of our great country to them. Better to rid ourselves of them all and start anew. Legislators, make the right call.