Animals willfully ignorant of difference between inside and outside

The Guys don’t like animals. Maybe we’ve been subtle about that, maybe not so much. Regardless, like a car stuck on a highway full of tractor-trailers, we (and the rest of the human race) are cautiously respectful of the boundary between inside and outside. We don’t necessarily freely give up the outside, but the animal kingdom has its realm, and we have ours. The animal kingdom, sadly, has chosen to break this unspoken agreement.

In Fort Worth, Texas, patrons of a hotel were besieged by an invasion force of bees. Inexplicably deciding to put up shop at the Budget Suites, a swarm of the stinging monsters hovered just outside of the windows, menacing guests.

And in Monrovia, California, a man was terrorized by a pair of bears. Yes, those bastards decided to get up to their old antics again. Justin Lee went into his home only to find the furry beasts gouging themselves on his hard-earned food. A heroic combination of police and animal control officers were able to send the creatures running through the power of bean bag shots. It’s a temporary solution, but we’re always down for a more … permanent solution.

The nightmare situation is upon us

SeriouslyGuys has personally been warning you all for years, but to no avail. The Sci-Fi/SyFy Channel has been warning people for years with highly educational films, but alas, that too has been to no avail. This is extremely unfortunate.

We’ve now encountered the potential apocalypse scenario.

In Sebring, Florida, a woman was stung more than 300 times by bees. Bees! Emergency crews were called out to the house of Carlos and Sylvia Marrero in order to save the lives of both of them, as a murderous, vile, destructive swarm of the venomous insects chased the pair. It was only at the hospital where it was discovered that Sylvia had suffered over 300 stings by the monsters.

People, it was an innocent couple that was attacked this time. Are you going to be next? Do the right thing the next time you see a bee.

We’ll be driving with the windows up for a while

Over 20 million bees pulled a Con Air in Utah, overturning a truck that was transporting them to a maximum security almond farm in Bakersfield, California.

The bees have mostly been returned into custody, but the driver and two police officers were stung during the attempted hijacking/breakout.  Some of the bees, however, remain at large and may use the U.S. highway system against us to quickly take over every Waffle House dumpster in America.

Thanks a lot, Eisenhower.

We’re gonna need more handcuffs

Sure, everyone’s worried about sharks because they are at the beach this time of year, but there’s one threat that never goes away: bees.

They’re small, they travel in numbers too great for humans to compete with, they sting, and they have zero respect for the law. In North Carolina, bees swarmed around a sheriff’s deputy’s car, keeping him contained in the vehicle for over three hours. The deputy found a disabled truck carrying bees, and they escaped (the bees, I mean). The insects wasted no time going after the cruiser. Eventually beekeepers smoked them off.

The only good reason to buy an iPhone

You know those jerks who are always on their cell phones? Next time you see one, give him or her a hug.

According to a new study in India, bees are dying off because of the radiation given off by cell phones. That means you are helping to fight the War on Animals, even when you’re not trying to. Researchers put cell phones on bee hives, which kind of seems like giving aid and comfort to the enemy, until they found that the hives stopped producing eggs and honey.

Answer your phone, it’s glory calling.

Let’s talk about the undead and the bees

It really doesn’t get much worse than this: a 76-year old Polish man fell unconscious after being stung by a bee, he then woke up in a coffin after he was pronounced dead.

Obviously, this is everyone’s worst nightmare, because no one likes bees, and we all pretty much hate being stung. But just imagine that a single bee sting can kill you. Not only that, but the bees have figured out how to turn you into a zombie after you die from their sting.

Everyone thinks that the zombie plague will come through a virus, or through bites. They are wrong. The dead will rise not because there is no more room in Hell, but because our animal foes have commanded them to.

Animals with a supernatural connection, check

If there’s one animal that we could always count on to die needlessly for their cause, it was bees. Mind you, reports of their death had been greatly exaggerated, but that’s okay, as they’re simply the kamikazes of the animal world. Sure, some people have developed genetic imperfections that allow them to be hurt more by bees, but in the end, once a bee stings you, it’s dead.

We might need to rethink our plans. Scientists have discovered bees that use more than just their stingers to defeat potential attackers. Apparently, they’re perfectly prepared to mummify enemies who can’t be stung. The old adage of “That which does not kill us, makes us stronger” seems to be a foreign concept to the insects, but they do seem to be fans of “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”

It’s now being reported that researchers from the Swiss Bee Research Centre in Bern have discovered a species of bee-the Australian stingless bee ably called Trigona Carbonaria-that has developed a previously unseen way to ward off attackers. The team tested their theory by releasing small hive beetles at the mouth of a beehive. The results were highly disturbing.

Faced with such a resilient foe, a group of workers resorted to coating the beetles in a sticky mix of resin, mud and wax. From computerised tomography (CT) scans of hives flash-frozen at 5-minute intervals, Greco’s team found the mummifications take less than 10 minutes.

The beetles rarely got very far from the entrance before being mummified. The only time Greco saw the beetle invasions succeed was during a hot Australian summer, when temperatures above 40 °C may have stressed the bee colony and prevented the resin from setting.

Ye gods. This is incredibly unsettling. One bee is avoidable, but imagine an entire colony working together to mummify a human being. Don’t think they’re not planning to! What’s also terrifying is that the only way to prevent this from happening, according to the research, is to set the planet ablaze in order to throw off the colony. Great, the Scorched Earth technique taken to an inferno level, and we’re still on the Earth.

Buzz kill

Bees lulled us into a false sense of security over the past few years as scientists found they were mysteriously disappearing. Though there are fewer of them, they still pose a threat to civilization.

New York City was the target this time–a place we once thought of as a stronghold against animals, because we paved over their habitat. Sadly, even in New York, you’re not safe from bees. They took over a GameStop in one of the busiest shopping areas of the city. The bees won’t let us get out of this recession!

This story has a happy ending, however. The bees were rounded up and taken in for questioning.

The changing seasons of war

With the seasons changing and the cooling of temperatures news from the front is bound to wear down because our enemies move their priorities from fighting us to gathering enough food to last them through the winter. But our enemy’s holiday gives us the perfect chance to launch our own Tet offensive.

Our target: roadways. According to those peace loving hippies at the Discovery Channel, bees are making their homes along our nation’s roads because there are so many wild flowers and relatively few people treading through the area. There is, of course, the ever-present threat of a windshield moving at 45 mph.

It was clear this summer that bees were after us more than any other division of the animals’ military might. That’s why it’s payback time. Grab a weedwhacker and chop down the wildflowers, open up some bug bombs (be careful not to fog up the roads for traffic) or just shout insults at them as you drive by. We can hit them and hit them hard before they dig in underground for the winter!

The sting of the attack

We are in this war to win it. For too long, animals have walked the Earth, posing a threat to humanity and democracy. But just because we have stepped up our operations this summer doesn’t mean the animals have taken the summer off.

One of the worst continued threats we have faced this summer is bees. Sometimes they are forming tornadoes, but this time, in an attack eerily similar to that on our allies to the north, bees were attacking commuters as they were heading to work. Luckily, the attack was in New Jersey, where we can afford to lose ground, but still, we cannot allow the harassment of our kind as they go to work and further the economy.

We need to hit these bastards and hit them hard.