British citizens urged to drown wasps in booze

Luckily for humanity, insects can drown, except for fire ants. And in the U.K., citizens are being asked by researchers to drown wasps in beer, in the name of science.

Ecologists are asking U.K. citizens to leave a glass of beer in their gardens to attract and kill wasps, so that they can be examined. Wasps are notorious drunks. The researchers want to do a sort of headcount on wasp species, and figure this is a good way to do it.

Predictably, animal rights activists are upset that scientists are asking the public to kill wasps, saying that the alcohol traps will kill other insects, like honeybees.

But the only real concern here should be that this plan involves wasting perfectly good beer, albeit for a noble cause.

Bee deal goes bad, swarm goes on rampage

People like deals more than they care about family businesses, which is why Wal-Mart is so successful. And once again, the animals are using our love of rollback prices against us.

Just one week after some dogs launched an attack in a Wal-Mart parking lot in West Virginia, bees struck in Oklahoma. Authorities say it was a beehive deal gone bad. Someone was selling three hives to someone else in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart, when one of the hives was dropped setting the insects off, and a swarm of thousands began attacking everyone in sight. The store had to be evacuated for safety reasons.

The fire department eventually hosed down enough bees to quell the uprising, yet none of the survivors have been charged with anything.

Science: Bees are people, too

A scientist and a philosopher made waves this week when they suggested that honeybees could have the capacity for consciousness.

According to the paper, honeybee brains are able to collect and process information about their surroundings much like the human midbrain. And the midbrain is basically all you need functioning in order to be considered alive and conscious. The Guys say, yeah, we know. You see, we’ve known that bugs and other animals are well aware of their actions, that’s why they have teamed up and continue to plot against us.

Now that science is finally coming around, we look forward to these same researchers helping us to wipe these evil beasts off the planet once and for all.

Mainstream media finally covering ‘zombee’ plague

Nearly four years after we first warned you about them, it seems the mainstream media is at last catching on to the threat of zombie bees, better known as “zombees.”

The zombee plague appears to have started on the West Coast, and is making its way east. According to researchers, little flies insert eggs into the abdomens of honeybees and yellow jackets, and it drives them crazy. Before long, the bees are flying at night, and lurching around like zombies. Then they die.

Of course, experts are trying to keep the masses calm by insisting this only affects bees and yellow jackets, but since you read this blog, you know all to well that we’ll start seeing reports of humans being infected soon.

Bees kill more people than sharks, but a beeshark would be worse

It’s summer, and that means there are some shark attack stories in the news. It’s good to be ready to fight a shark every time you go in the water, but other animals are far more deadly.

According to statistics on how many they kill a year, the deadliest animals are bees, wasps and hornets, followed closely by mammals except for the third and fourth most deadly, dogs and cows. So basically, if the bees team up with mice, dogs and deer, we’re all doomed.

Booze may do what medicine cannot

Once again, science may have found that alcohol is good for your health. This time, it’s mead.

Mead is a fermented drink mostly made from honey. It was all the rage with everyone from the Vikings to the Greeks back in the day. Now, researchers in Sweden are investigating whether mead’s mystical powers can kill harmful bacteria in you, all while getting you sloppy.

They have found that lactic acid bacteria found in bees’ honey stomachs can help kill off antibiotic-resistant bugs, so it’s possible that those magical properties have transferred to mead from the honey it comes from.

Bees getting buzzed

Nothing goes better with an afternoon of huffing DDT out in the fields than a cold beer.
Nothing goes better with an afternoon of huffing DDT out in the fields than a cold beer.

Good news in the War on Animals: for the first time ever in history, a “give drugs away for free to get everyone hooked” is not only real, but working. Bees can’t get enough of the very pesticide that might cause Colony Collapse Disorder.

Certain species actually prefer flowers treated with neonicotinoids to plain ass poseys. And that surprised the developers of it because they intentionally made it bitter to avoid such a reaction. Clearly, those researchers don’t drink coffee or smoke cigarettes (the latter of which contains the opposite of neonicotinoids: old, genuine nicotine).

So, thank you, D.A.R.E. officers for teaching us something useful besides how wearing skin-tight anti-drug t-shirts to raves is a great icebreaker.

Delicious, inedible, dangerous food

What happens when you cross a truck full of chicken that’s collided with a truck full of bees?

If you said honey-glazed grilled chicken, you’d be wrong and may God have mercy upon your soul.

If you said angry bees flying around chicken that’s been incinerated after being covered in diesel, the Indio police have some questions they’d like to ask you.

Nicolas Cage to never patronize Williamsburg bakery

Tawanda Hammond is a simple local business owner. There’s nothing elaborate or scary about her shop: it’s just a cake store, providing delicious desserts that she makes.

So of course between 20,000 and 30,000 bees moved into the area above her store.

It was so bad that Hammond had to close the store for two days in hopes that a local beekeeper might be able to get the bees out of the bakery. But you know what, and this will sound ridiculous given my history, we don’t even blame the bees. We blame the hippies, the natural, raw, organic food people that feel as if the only non-touched food is that which can cross their lips. Your demanding for natural honey is to blame! And how dare someone not know if it isn’t! Their requests, though the minority, must be fulfilled!

So yes, if you’re one of those people and you’re reading this, it’s your fault that Tawanda Hammond had to lose two days worth of business. Yours and a minimum 20 thousand stingers.

We are now 49 states

We’re making a judgement call, and it’s not going to be a popular one, but it’s the right decision to make: we must cover the state of Delaware in the cleansing power of fire. Delaware is no more.

We say this because a truck overturned on I-95 in Newark. The truck was believed to have contained 20 million bees. That’s 20 million bees that are now free from their hives.

We could just declare that Delaware is now property of the bees, but we refuse to secede a portion of our great country to them. Better to rid ourselves of them all and start anew. Legislators, make the right call.