Tag: bees

Where the honey flows

We spoke of a jail break in Amsterdam yesterday. It seems we have a The Fugitive-esque situation in Canada. A truck transporting 12 million bees overturned on a highway in New Brunswick, allowing the inmates to escape–and they were probably not in a very good mood.

Local law enforcement, according to the headline “captured” most of the bees before they could get very far. Sadly, police could not stop the madness before there were victims.

“In an unfortunate incident a journalist who was trying to get some bee noises on her microphone suffered a dozen or more stings. All in the name of journalism I guess, but it’s best to stay away from that area. Twelve million bees can do a lot of damage.”

Edward R. Murrow would be proud of this war reporting.

War pauses for no one

Though SG was off last week, the War of Animals did not take a single day off, we believe this is mostly because there was no cease fire agreed to by officials on either side. So, in an effort to keep from shirking out duties, here’s what happened while we were away:

Hundreds of ducks turned up dead in Alberta, Canada. The traitorous Canadian government is actually angry about this, and is investigating an oil company in connection with this masterstroke blow to the nation’s waterfowl population.

The birds apparently landed on a pond that had toxic waste in it. Only five of the ducks were saved. This is good news, but this blog cannot rule out that these ducks now have super powers. Continue reading War pauses for no one

Bees unleash tornado technology in WoA

Which is scarier: bees or tornados?  How about both swirled into one giant vortex of honey-baked terror?

Bees attacked a Mexican restaurant in DeLand, Florida, using a formation described by witnesses as “a tornado pattern.”  As the bees expected, everyone panicked, running to their cars and presumably shrieking like wrestling Sheiks.

We thought we were winning the war on the bee front as they began disappearing from honey farms last summer.   It turns out they were in hiding, training in new and scary flight formations in secret terrorist training camps around the world.  It is also believed they have been selling their own honey to support their insidious global campaign.

If you buy honey, you’re helping the bees win.

Insert ‘bee’ pun here

Aside from whales, bees seem to be the most common animal at seems to keep posing threats to the American way. Not only are these buggers capable of harming humans regardless or age, race or creed (you have probably fallen victim to an attack at least once in your life), but they are kidnapping our celebrities.

However, they are now proving to be quite resourceful–nay, industrious–even when in captivity. A truck carrying untold numbers of bee prisoners of war in Sacramento, California flipped over, most likely due to a bee attack. The bees escaped and promptly began stinging everything in sight.

“The bees stung cops and firefighters who tried to corral them. They buzzed toward nearby businesses and forced them to shut their doors.”

See? They are attacking our bravest and finest, as well as trying to take down the economy (like that needs help). It’s the very definition of total war. It’s time we take the fight to them. Grab a can of Raid and let’s march!

The bees are still dedicated to their cause

Bees are among the most obviously dangerous enemies the common man can have. But as we have been reporting for the past year, bees have been mysteriously disappearing. For some reason, scientists wanted to find out why and they seem to think there is a bee parasite driving them away.

But now, after all this time, it seems there has been a more sinister reason for the bees’ disappearance. They have been offing themselves to keep from producing honey we depend on for so many foods, not to mention the pollination of fruits and vegetables. Haagen-Daz recently announced that their flavors could be taking a hit because of this crisis.

We finally know the horrible reason bees have been declining: they want to hurt us by taking away our ice cream.