Toilet paper and other ways foreign governments enslave their citizens

We’re so worried about how our government is continually stripping us of our basic rights that we forget that other countries’ governments are doing the same thing to their citizens. What say we take a look abroad?

In China, you’re going to have to learn to wipe really efficiently if you use a public restroom. People in Beijing have been stealing toilet paper from public restrooms, and Chinese officials have cracked down in a high-tech way: machines that give you two feet of toilet paper after scanning your face. If that’s not enough TP for you, you’re s$#% out of luck, because the machine won’t let you get more for another nine minutes.

And in fascist-controlled Canada, the province of Nova Scotia won’t let Lorne Grabher put his last name on his license plate. “GRABHER” has been the family’s license plate for a quarter of a century, but the province canceled it in January, deeming it profane.

We’re fairly certain that here in America, our president would proudly support such a plate.

Can you take the cure? All of it?

We’ve got good news and bad news for homophobes.

The Good News is that science may have discovered a cure that will make you less likely to act on your repressed homosexual urges not catch “the gay.”

The Bad News is that the cure is bananas. Lots and lots of dongtacular bananas. Orally or anally. You need the serotonin.

Dinosaur with feathers turns out to be more delicious than anticipated

A dinosaur that lived between 160 and 151 million years ago could be the missing link between birds and dinosaurs. Scientists in Beijing announced that a four-winged creature called Anchiornis huxleyi could finally prove birds are descended from dinosaurs. Allow SG to put this in different terms for understanding purposes:

Scientific viewpoint: This offers new data into the evolution of feathers as well: for the first time, we have fossil evidence of feathers as being merely elongated scales. The feathers here are symmetrical and blunted-ended, rather than the slightly asymmetrical and pointer proto-feather we see in Microraptor and Archeopteryx (and modern birds). It is rather interesting that the longest feathers of Anchiornis‘ wing come close to its body, rather than further down its limbs. This is more the configuration of modern birds, rather than the expected formation of other known paravians. All of which suggests that the development of flight took place in a rapidly evolving world of paravians, with many different variations on the theme and many side-branches of evolution along the way. Very fascinating discovery.

Bible thumper viewpoint: Remember that one fast food joint mentioned in the Book of Paul? Jesus Fried Chicken? Popular place until the Italians decided they wanted pasta to reign supreme.

Tastes like blade-y

A 23-year-old Beijing game addict was rushed to a hospital after swallowing five pieces of saw blades in an attempt to commit suicide. Just great.

The man “kept talking incoherently about how to win his favorite computer games, even after being sent to a Beijing hospital ICU” on Sunday.

According to the report the man has been addicted to computer games since early in junior high school, but his condition worsened recently.

It does make you wonder a little if there is something about the culture or politics of China, Japan, Korea or any other Asian countries that seems to make people more predisposed to game addiction there, or at least makes the results more extreme.

It could be an issue of the media in China writing more about the issue because it’s become very high profile recently. It could be a case of people leading unfulfilled lives. It could just be a case of China cracking down on porn. Who knows?

Pro-tip: Swallowing saw blades is not a secret Game Genie technique.

You Missed It: Skinny dip edition

As the summer winds down, people are getting out of dodge earlier and earlier (take me last week, for example). If you were busy this week counting the number of houses you own, odds are you missed it.

Fay not going away
Cuba and some other Caribbean islands got hit by Tropical Storm Fay this week and it was no big deal. It’s just a puny tropical storm, right? Wrong. Fay has been manhandling Florida (including the panhandle) for several days now, dropping amounts of rain better measured in feet than inches and causing tons of flooding. The good news in all this: the state is now back to its original form, as a huge swamp.

Jamaican Bolt-led team
Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt has run three races, won three gold medals and broken three world records–a feat which has never been done before. Analysts credit the runner’s long legs and speedy last name as natural reasons why he is so much faster than everyone else. Bolt’s next event is Showboating, which will air tonight.

Not Phelps’ Beard
In other Olympic news, U.S. swimmer Amanda Beard caused a stir this week when she said she would never date fellow Olympian Michael Phelps. Beard said (aside from the fact that he is really goofy looking), “Ewww, that is so nasty! … Come on, I have really good taste.” When one thinks good taste, one thinks of Beard. That’s why she posed nude for Playboy and unveiled a nude anti-fur ad at the Olympics.

Doesn’t “Obama-Kaine” sound like a prescription drug?
The nation is in a frenzy over who presumptive Democratic candidate Barack Obama will choose as his runningmate. Some say Jo Biden, some say Hillary Clinton, others say Tim Kaine. Obama is expected to announce his decision today, and he had better, otherwise television news channels will have to go cover the war or something. In one of his many houses John McCain is wondering why no one cares about his VP pick.

The McBournie Minute: Olympic creepiness

As we have been covering recently, the Olympics have begun and the world has come together to compete on the field of sports. Nations have gathered to cheer on their athletes in the interest of seeing their country do the best, and watching underage people in tight clothing.

I know that it may come as a shock to some people, but a lot of the atheletes in the Olympics are only teenagers. If you can’t tell, just wait until they are interviewed and count the number of times you hear the word “like.” Many of these youngsters are in gymnastics, a few are even in diving events. The U.K. has a kid on its team, in which event I cannot remember, and he is 13. Yes, he looks like Harry Potter. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Olympic creepiness

You Missed It: Eights are wild edition

It’s Friday. More than that, it’s an 8/8/08 Friday. Does that mean something special to you? It should, because it’s the last time we are going to see all three date categories matching up until 9/9/09, and we all know that is way too far in the future to comprehend. Anyway, if you were busy airing fake political ads this week, odds are you missed it.

Lucius Fox will not drive the Batmobile anytime soon
Actor Morgan Freeman and his wife’s friend were involved in a car accident in Mississippi. Reportedly, Freeman was driving at night and the car left the road, flipping into a ditch. He had surgery and was released, but it turns out he and his wife are getting divorced. It just so happens Freeman has been rumored to have a mistress that was one of his wife’s friends. Draw your own conclusions on the cause of the accident, if you know what we mean. Freeman’s accident is the latest in a series of mishaps and tragedies that have befallen the cast of The Dark Knight. First Heath Ledger’s death, then Christian Bale’s assault charges, then Maggie Gyllenhaal’s droopy face.

The Olympics are seeing red
Today marks the first day of the 2008 Beijing Olympics. This means that we can expect a great deal of sports coverage on television for the next couple weeks. Security is said to be very tight at the event, so that means all the athletes have to worry about is smog, SARS and possible jail time for even saying the word “Tibet.”

Georgia on Russia’s mind
In a military operation totally not planned to happen the same day as the beginning of the Olympics, because that would just too conveniently take the world’s eye off the ball for a little while, Russia has invaded Georgia, making it the first time since General William T. Sherman in 1864 that an invading force has–wait, I’m being told there is more than one Georgia. Apparently there is one in Asia, too. Russia says next it will invade New Jersey, the one in Asia.

Packers send Favre packing
Brett Favre (pronounced FAV-ree) has been traded by the Green Bay Packers to the New York Jets this week after being reinstated in the NFL and a drama that has been going on since the end of last season and Favre’s (supposed) retirement. Favre is clearly going through the classic mid-life crisis, where a man looks around at his life, at his NFL records, his Super Bowl rings and his piles of money and asks himself “Is this really all there is?”

World-class rope burns

The Olympics is coming this summer, so get ready to see a bunch of people run around a track in approximately 800 different events. It has also been a criticism of the Olympics for having too many strange sports (so you cross country ski really fast and then shoot things?), but they have had others in the past.

From 1900 to 1920, Tug-of-War was an Olympic event–really. Think of all the hard work, training and sacrifice that must go into a game your dad and his coworkers used to play after having a few to many at the annual office picnic. Sadly, Dodgeball, Red Rover and Handlebar Mustache-Growing were not approved for these early Olympiads.

This has been an SG fun fact.

Murky waters

“I know you like to think your @%$# don’t stink, but lean a little bit closer, see them roses really smell like poo-poo-oh-oh.” —Outkast

Still looking forward to that trip to Beijing for the 2008 Summer Olympics? Think again. Officials are getting a staunch heat from people complaining about the squatting toilets held in many test facilities. And no, squatting is not one of the new games held this year.