SUCK IT, NERD COUNTRIES!

AMER-I-CUH, F— YEAH!

In a move that surprises no one, America has been voted the coolest nation in the world by the other countries in the world. Excuse us while we don’t remove our sunglasses. Doing so might bother our totally perfectly sculpted hair.

A social networking, Badoo, conducted a poll using 30, 000 people from around the planet. The relevancy of whether or not a site that no one’s heard of is immaterial; the results are all that matter. Speaking of the results, it was discovered that being a Spaniard is pretty awesome in Europe, Brazil is still tops in Latin America and Belgium a bunch of dorks.

Not that being from Spain or Brazil matters. America is still considered the world’s coolest nationality.

As such, here’s a tip from one of the coolest people in the world to Belgium: get cracking on something awesome other than your waffles and we’ll talk about not stuffing you into a locker. Maybe.

Attention, anarchists

Still looking for that government-free utopia where you can live without submitting to any authority? Then get your ass to Belgium.

But you’d better hurry: Belgium’s Prime Minister, Guy Verhofstadt, is trying to settle the differences between French and Dutch residents to elect a new one. Time to put your money where your pierced mouth is and stop this from happening.

There’s still no word as to whether Belgium’s Board of Tourism will change their slogan to our proposal: “Belgium: as lawless as the rest of the world, but white.”