Tag: Ben Roethlisberger

Take it from Snee: Super Bowl commericals are for idiots

It’s the week of the Super Bowl, which translates into a week of hype.

  1. Will Bret Favre congratulate Aaron Rodgers if he wins?!
  2. Does another championship ring make up Ben Roethlisberger’s off-season indiscretions?!  (If he does it again this year, does he have to win another Super Bowl to avoid jail time, or will a mere playoff appearance do?)
  3. Will the defense of either team show up this week?!
  4. Which company will put out the commercial of the year?!

If you asked number four, then congratulations: you’re an idiot. If you’re paid to answer number 4, then you are a hack and should be forced to wear a frilly dress the next time you go to a bar with more than one television on the wall.

What’s that? You don’t think that assessment is fair? Read on to find out why you’re a tool, chump. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Super Bowl commericals are for idiots

You Missed It: Wooooooooooooo! edition

It’s the end of the week for most of you reading this. Because for you, it is Friday. However, for me it is only Thursday. No, I’m not in some sort of time warp, I actually have to work tomorrow, which in your universe is Saturday. I will be missing a basketball game, a pub crawl and a parade–all in the same day. Yes, I am bitter. If you were busy heading for higher ground, odds are you missed it.

You mean spring break can be dangerous?
Remember those wild spring breaks in college? Probably not, because most people stay home. However, more students could be staying above the border this year, after the Texas Department of Public Safety warned college students not to visit Mexican border towns where rival drug cartels are waging war. This makes sense, because spring break is all about listening to authority and making good life choices.

Planet Alaska
Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is shopping around a reality TV show. The show would be about Palin’s home state and likely have the style of Discovery Channel’s Planet Earth. Sources say the show’s first episode would have everyone curious, but as more is learned, interest turns to either loving or hating it, and then the show will quit halfway through the season.

He was tall, puffy and had a homeless guy beard
Ben Roethlisberger. There’s a name you didn’t expect to hear in March, but just the same, here it comes. The star quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers was accused of sexually assaulting a woman in Georgia early Friday morning. This is the second time he’s had to deal with such allegations. In the interest of neutrality and presuming innocent until proven guilty, I’d like to say I wish Rapistberger the best of luck shaking this latest blitz.

Eat My Sports: NFL predictions edition

Bust out your Michael Vick jersey, a case of Miller Lite and prepare to gain 20 pounds, IT’S FOOTBALL SEASON! How will it all pan out? So glad you asked. My sports knowledge and ability to guestimate gives you predictions for every division, team and eventual playoff outcomes. Let’s ride.

NFC East

The NFC East was supposed to be the new “it” divisions last year, shortly before it lived up to expectations in 2008 the way Angelina Jolie tanked in Changeling. Now in 2009 the East is down to one good team, two teams that got rid of egomaniacal receivers, and the Redskins. Don’t be surprised when this team yields only one playoff bid this year.

The Call: Philadelphia Eagles 12-4

The Rest: New York Giants 9-7, Dallas Cowboys 8-8, Washington Redskins 5-11

NFC South

Another pretender division that choked like a British nanny as the weather got colder. Yes, I predicted the Saints to go to the Super Bowl last year, but injuries and NO DEFENSE prevented that. This year you have an aging Carolina squad, New Orleans’ offense, a terrible Tampa team and an Atlanta franchise that will probably get a second year hangover from Matt Ryan, I mean he is still only a year out of college, hangovers happen my friend. The bottom line is you could make an argument for any of these teams, simply because the division is so bad. So pick the least heinous person to make out with at this party, because this one isn’t pretty.

The call: Atlanta Falcons 10-6,

The rest: New Orleans Saints 8-8, Carolina Panthers 7-9, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 6-10 Continue reading Eat My Sports: NFL predictions edition

You Missed It: Ethics of steel edition

Sooooo, how are things? Yeah? How’s work going for you? That’s cool. Me? Eh, things are slowing down, you know how it is …. Yeah, well, um …. I should get going, but it was great running into you like this. Oh, one other thing. If you were busy downloading peephole videos of sports reporters this week, odds are you missed it.

But enough about that, let’s talk about important things, like Michael Vick being freed
Did you hear that Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was accused with sexual assault this week? If you did, you did not hear about it from ESPN, who remained eerily quiet on the topic. The story broke earily in the week, when a worker at a Nevada casino filed a civil suit, saying that Big Ben called her up to fix his television, then, well, you know. The point here is that until last night, ESPN was not talking about it. Yes the “Worldwide Leader in Sports” was mum on the quarterback of the reigning Super Bowl champs being charged in a civl case with probably the most career ending charge, other than murder. We don’t want to offend toothless Ben, after all.

The Eagle has landed and provided us with news in a dry week
Forty years ago this week, man walked on the moon for the first time. It’s the kind of thing that makes you stop and pause. Or, if you’re the media, it’s the kind of thing that makes you cover the story from about every conceivable angle. Did you know that Neil Armstong is very reclusive regarding his fame? Did you know that Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin legally changed his name to Buzz in 1988? Did you know that the astronauts had to go through customs when they came back to Earth? It’s all true. Now, let’s move onto talking about the long bureaucratic process the Apollo program took, or President John F. Kennedy’s famous speech, or ….

Put him altogether, then take him all apart
Michael Jackson’s nose. It’s been the butt of jokes, the subject of wonder, and quite possible the target of a surgery or two over the years. However, it seems now that the King of Pop’s nose is missing! Reports are that while his body was in the morgue, witnesses said the nose was not on his face while he was on the autopsy table. Don’t worry, everyone. Inspired by Mister Potato Head he had 16 different, changeable noses, from the skinny and pointed looking to the downright elven.

The persistent wiener threat

We started off the week telling you about how the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile terrorized a Wisconsin neighborhood, so it seems only right that we get another tale, this time in Hawaii.

Apparently, the hot dog and bun-shaped motor vehicle was so ashamed of its Roethlisberger-esque incident, it had itself airlifted to the Pacific island state to get away from it all. But it ran into even more trouble. It seems the phallic car might be in violation of a state law banning vehicular advertising.

The complaint comes from, get this, an environmental group that hopes to ban the wienermobile from ever coming to  Hawaii again. That will probably go double for the bolognacycle.

Eat My Sports: I’m super, thanks for asking

So it has come to this. The Arizona Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Steelers in a game for the title, or as we like to say, for all the marbles. Last year, I predicted a 28-27 upset of the Patriots by Elisha Manning and his Giants. I also detailed how the game would play out, and also what it would be like to have The Guys together watching the game.

Well, dedicated readership, you’re getting half of what you’ve been wishing for since my Super Bowl column last year! Bryan McBournie and I will be watching the game and trying not to kill each other this very Sunday. How will both games play out … I wonder …. Continue reading Eat My Sports: I’m super, thanks for asking