A cloud with a Patron Silver lining

This won’t be our first twirl around a light post, but it will be our grandest.

This is it, boozehounds! This is the day we’ve trained for! Mexico has invented a cloud that precipitates tequila, and, brothers and sisters, The Guys are ready to sing in that rain.

Of course, there are a couple of threats to consider:

1. The border wall is no defense against Mexico’s greatest export since Taco Tuesday in aerosol form.

2. It’s being developed with the Germans. That can’t be good.

3. It’s the greatest weather-based threat to clothes since acid rain. The aftermath of a full-on tequila storm will leave more people naked than Burning Man. And possibly result in The Purge.

But, let’s be honest: if it were up to The Guys, this is the form of our destruction that we’d choose. #zuul

Researchers tickle rats for all their science secrets

Whether everyone agrees with the ethics of it or not, scientists have long turned their instruments on rats. They are close to human in basic physiology, their quick lifespans make it easier to study effects across multiple generations and, like grad students, they work for pizza.

But, what if all of our drugs and beakers aren’t getting answers out of rats fast enough? What if they’re learning to hold out on that sweet, sweet science data?

And that’s when we start tickling them.

"Unleash the knowledge! Unleash it!"
“Unleash the knowledge! Unleash it!”

In other news: science has a surplus of rat urine, now.

Now we know why the Chiquita banana girl never stops dancing

Inner city Berliners prefer to freebase their banana cocaine.
Inner city Berliners prefer to freebase their banana cocaine.

If  you’re a Berliner and wondering when your grocer would start stoking coke in the produce aisle … you’re gonna have to wait for another shipment.

Drug smugglers accidentally delivered over 300 pounds of cocaine to five Berlin supermarkets. They were hidden in boxes with bananas, so that means that somewhere some very bad men are very disappointed with crates of just bananas. (However, eating some of that loot may just calm them down with serotonin before they go all Scarface on their underlings.)

But, this is good news for those of us who can’t get enough bananas in our mouths. It might just be a simple drug addiction from shipping contamination and not anything Freudian.

Bonus Quote:

Berlin police described the shipping mistake as a ‘logistical error.’

Allies play ‘long game’ strategy in Germany

The most productive factory workers were able to lay hundreds of these "democracy eggs" a day.
The most productive factory workers were able to lay hundreds of these “democracy eggs” a day.

Back in the 1940s, the world wasn’t sure if German people would ever get back to wearing shorts with suspenders and just being all-around adorable. So, when the Allied powers began strategically bombing the Nazi out of Nazi Germany, they left a couple thousand long-term bombs behind, just in case those old feelings came creeping back.

And that’s why Berlin commuters couldn’t go to work today.

Dead bears do Knut wear plaid

Even though he's dead, Knut can still unwrap human bratwursts with his lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes.
Even though he’s dead, Knut can still unwrap human bratwursts with his lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes.

Knut, the German polar bear, is back from the dead! His taxidermied corpse is now blocking the entrance to the Berlin natural history museum, menacing all who dare learn about trilobites, ancient arrowheads or whatever Germans dig up in their backyards. (Traces of the camps where they eliminated all of the ancient Neanderthals?)

We warned you, Germany. When Knut’s mother abandoned him, we told you he was no good. When he turned on children, we told you it was too late to put the monster back in its cage. When he became a prima donna and wouldn’t perform his two shows daily, we told you that it was time to put him on an ice flow. And now that he’s dead, we told you to leave him be.

Sometimes dead is better.

Aren’t jobs a kind of bribery?

Corruption is on the rise according to a survey by Transparency International.

The Berlin-based nonprofit organization based this partially on a finding that one quarter of 91,500 surveyed people paid a bribe to an institution or government-provided service. 90 percent of Liberians and 86 percent of Nigerians reported paying a bribe.

And the most corrupt countries–Somalia, Afghanistan, Burma, Iraq, Uzbekistan, Sudan and Turkmenistan–achieved their most corrupt nations’ status by attempting to bribe Transparency International for better rankings.

Boars, thrills in Germany

Slices of a boar that went buck-wild in a Hoehr-Grenzhausen butcher shop are up for sale. The boar pushed through the door of the shop, scared away a customer and inflicted 5000 Euros-worth of damage before having the bad form to bleed all over the floor.

As if that weren’t enough, Munich’s train station had a naked Australian infestation. The Sydney Streaker was foiled by a wet floor and slipped even though the stick figure on the caution sign was also not wearing any clothes. It just shows that you can’t dress up stupid.

They belong in a museum!

The ghost of Indiana Jones can rest a little easier: artwork that the Nazis supposedly destroyed for deviancy have been found. They attempted to get rid of it by storing it in a building and then burning the whole building down, with or without the assistance of allied bombs.

The sculptures survived down in the basement after the fire and were unearthed by recent construction work. Unfortunately, any works that were made of canvas or wood probably didn’t survive. But, the statues are mostly nudes, so we’ve got that going for us.

Yeah, that’s what we meant to say

It’s a good thing I double-checked this one, because you readers would have thought I was a bit Freudian when I claimed a story was about a Lego “penis” when it was in fact about a tail. It’s actually, Reuters’ fault.

Let me start from the beginning. This story claims that a Lego giraffe at a Lego theme park sort of thing in Berlin has repeatedly had its tail stolen. Apparently, the Germans love them some giraffe tail–so much so that it has been stolen four times so far. We’re not sure if it was returned or just replaced, but either way, ouch.

However, when I saw the story earlier, it was not a tail, it was a giraffe penis that was getting stolen. Which, from what we know about the Germans, makes a lot more sense. It was as if it was the same story, word for word, but the story now had replaced all penises with tails–in the story, that is.

Thanks to our friends at Regret the Error, I found out I am not, in fact, crazy. They really did publish that it was a giraffe penis that was stolen, then corrected it. Oh, you randy Reuters!

Germany will rise again

Sixty-three years ago, Berlin fell. It was the end of World War II (also known as the War That Was Greater Than the Great War). The evil dictator Adolf Hitler was dead and the world was a happier place, free from ever going to war again.

However, that may not be the end of it for the Allies. It seems Hitler is making a comeback, this time at the Madame Tussauds wax museum in Berlin, but no one is shouting his name and cheering. In fact, they seem to be pretty upset about it.

Luckily, Hitler’s arch-nemesis, Dr. Henry “Indiana” Jones Jr. has just come back as well. Get ready for a fifth installment.