Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading →
For over a year the Democrats have patted themselves on the back for having a civil and intelligent primary season, compared to the dick-joke fest hosted by Republican presidential hopefuls. Finally, we get to see that all change.
Bernie Sanders supporters plan to protest Hillary Clinton’s nomination acceptance speech by farting a lot. A Philadelphia-based poverty activist says she will invite delegates won by Sanders, supporters of Sanders and even the disheveled one himself, to attend a bean-heavy dinner during the Democratic National Convention in July. The attendees can then head over to the event and protest Clinton’s win by farting a lot.
The smelly protest may go unnoticed, however, as the convention is being held in Philadelphia.
Somehow I’m more turned off by the Democratic primaries than I do the GOP race. I find the Republican race of more consequence and much, much cruder, but out of nowhere, the Dems and their supporters have become intolerable. This week alone we had Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton trying to out-New York each other. Nothing says “I’m in touch with real Americans” like a pissing match for the most self-important city in the U.S. Then there are your Facebook friends who post 18 things a day about how great Sanders is, and how THE MEDIA IS AGAINST US, MAN! The media are a bunch of outlets with no common agenda, other than entertaining you. Blaming your problems on them is like blaming your fart on the dog. If you were busy (finally) retiring from basketball this week, odds are you missed it.
Taking the law into his own hands
It was revealed this week that as Texas solicitor general in 2007, Ted Cruz penned a 76-page brief with the U.S. Court of Appeals defending a state ban on the sale of sex toys. He unsuccessfully argued that Americans have no legal right to stimulate their own genitals–no, really. Folks, if we have the right to bear arms, we certainly have the right to hairy palms.
Time to probe some aliens
A group of investors and scientists, including Mark Zuckerberg, Russian billionaire Yuri Milner and famed physicist Stephen Hawking this week announced an initiative to send a bunch of tiny probes to Alpha Centauri, the closest star system to Earth. The nanocraft would travel four light-years in about two decades. So let the record show that when the Centaurian War is over, we fired first.
Use of electronic devices is now permitted
This week, AMC Theaters floated an idea to allow cell phone use at certain designated shows, arguing that it would be more appealing to younger moviegoers. The proposal was met with such strong criticism that AMC announced a day later that it was killing the idea. To which younger moviegoers said, “We know, we saw it on Twitter like an hour ago.”
For as long as there has been a United States of America, there has been a Canada sitting on top of it. Except for that time when there were two Canadas. I think there was a War Between the Provinces or something, I’m not up on Canadian history. But Canada has been there for a really, really long time.
It’s been there in our time of need. The Canadians were there to supply us with booze when Americans decided that we should all stop drinking for some reason. It has also given us some great comedians and mostly crappy musicians, all while letting us film our movies and TV shows there for tax purposes.
So it seems natural that we would see it as a place of refuge today. But you really need to stop that nonsense. You’re not moving to Canada. Continue reading →
I can’t wrap my head around leap days. I understand that we get ahead by about six hours every year, and we add on an extra day every four years to compensate for it, but what are we ahead of? It’s not like two years ago, when we were 12 hours ahead, the sun was setting in the morning. If our current method of time keeping is so off, why don’t we just fix it. Have minutes last 100 seconds or something. If you were busy this week coming back to Earth after nearly a year in space, odds are you missed it.
Superman wins 0 states on Super Tuesday
This week, voters in 12 states voted in their states’ primaries, or causes, or whatever they thought was a good idea for selecting a candidate to run for president. Donald Trump pulled further away from fellow Republicans, as the wave of antidisestablishmentarianism continues to sweep through conservative voters. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders won a few states, making the 24-year-long plot line of Hillary Clinton interesting for another few weeks. Not to editorialize, but I think we’re taking our fascination with end-of-the-world shows and movies a little too far.
Rare cards date back to when baseball was entertaining
It was announced this week that seven rare Ty Cobb baseball cards were found in a paper bag in an old house, and they are indeed authentic. Until now, only 15 such cards were known to exist. Experts authenticated find by examining the ink and aging of the cards, as well as whether they made the right sound when put in bicycle spokes.
Snow race races to get snow
Speaking of sports, Anchorage, Alaska has had such a warm winter this year that snow has to be brought in by railroad just so the Iditarod can start this weekend. This has been “News That Sounds Like It’s From 1892.”
At the time of posting, we’re 453 days away from when we actually vote for the President of the United States. We’re not just a year away, we’re still one and a quarter years away from trying to make a state government-installed touchscreen work. To put that quarter of a year in perspective, that’s like wearing your Halloween costume to work back in July.
So, it seems kind of silly that, even though there’s only been one “debate” and not one single primary vote cast, the press is already declaring leads. They’re basing this on polls, and I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been polled in my entire life. In fact, I know more people from the state of Wyoming than I know who have been asked to respond to a poll, and I’m pretty sure Wyoming isn’t real. (It’s just the lab where they built Dick Cheney.)
But, alas, we have leads in both primaries already, and wow, are we all deluding ourselves politically. In any past election, the current front-runners wouldn’t even be running as Democrat or Republican, much less leading either pack.
Don’t believe me? Read on to find out why, when it comes to this primary, the political id has triumphed in both parties, and why that’s probably bad. Continue reading →