Only Americans are killed with guns

After last week’s shooting spree at the American Civic Association, an immigrant education center, in Birmingham, New York, Sen. Charles Schumer has proposed a bill to posthumously award citizenship to those who were killed before becoming United Statesians.

Since the U.S. has the highest gun death rate above the other 20 richest nations, it does seem a purely American act to die in a random shooting spree. Let’s bury them each with a Big Mac and call it American tragedy.

Over 23,000 served

You think you’re loving it? Don Gorske of Wisconsin has eaten over 23,000 Big Macs since the burger’s inception way back in the olden days of 1972. Gorske, an unfathomable 185 pounds has claimed to eating two Big Macs and two parfaits per day. Ah yes, nothing quite symbolizes Americanism like scarfing down processed meat covered in thousand island dressing, then washing it all down with a silly French word.