S.C. police department goes soft on Bigfoot

Earlier this week, there was a reported sighting of Bigfoot in North Carolina. Normally that would be enough to warrant a post here at SG, but we’re taking you one deeper.

After the sighting was reported by the group Bigfoot 911, which sounds like a show were Bigfoot becomes an EMT, the Carolinas were on high alert for the mythical monster. However, the Greenville, S.C. Police Department went the other way upon hearing the news. The department issued a stern warning to its citizens not to shoot the beast on sight. Worst of all, they denied this huge ape that poses a threat to decent people everywhere even exists, and suggested that they would risk hurting or killing someone in a gorilla suit.

Greenville PD, you’re supposed to protect your citizens, and that means scaring the bejesus out of them about the threat posed by Bigfoot.

Sasquashed

When faced with a Bigfoot in the middle of the highway at night, Missourians know exactly what must be done: run it over. This is a war with animals, which means that no human-animal hybrids may be tolerated. (Besides, the cops weren’t around.)

Well, it turns out that sometimes the best of intentions don’t yield the best results. The Sasquatch in question was actually a Yetiot, local human Randy Lee Tenley, who was wearing a sniper’s ghillie suit to stage a Bigfoot hoax. He was struck by two vehicles who could not see him because human eyes don’t shine in headlights and, oh yeah, he was wearing full-body camouflage.

If you’re wondering whether booze was involved, we have a slightly used ghillie suit to sell you.

You know what they say about a Bigfoot?

They’re probably a hairy trespasser.

Well, okay, that’s probably more what you say if Tim Peeler of North Carolina. According to Peeler, he heard grunting and screeching sounds from outside his house. This presumably alarmed him since he was not a part of said noises. What did he discover?

“The thing was 10 feet tall with beautiful hair, yellowish hair, and a yellow beard,” the mountain man recalled.

Logically, this can mean a few things: Peeler has a strong taste for the shine of the moon, Bigfoot has been getting kissed by the sun more than anyone ever expected or he stumbled across Thor. Probably not the Thor of legend, but more the Thor of Marvel comics. We can only hope that the lightning was not called down upon Peeler.

Explanation: The Georgian-Russian conflict

Readers, if you’re anything like us, you’re an expert on all affairs, foreign and domestic. But not everyone has the time or inclination to study the world, learning the fine nuances that shape our own backyards.

It’s not enough to know that the flap of a butterfly’s wing gives birth to a huricane on the other side of the globe; you also have to use that knowledge to kill butterflies to end huricanes.

This is why we’re bringing you this explanation for the current brough-ha-ha in Georgia: the Russians want to hide the true identity of Bigfoot!

Yes, a pair of hunters have discovered a hidden enclave of Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) northern Georgia, presumably along the border it shares with Russia. The Russians have invaded to prevent these hunters from revealing the identities of these beasts later today.

The hunters, Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer (don’t bother trying to pronounce these bizarre Slavic names), claim to have DNA and photographic evidence, but will not reveal the monkey-men’s whereabouts because it’s an utter war zone now.

This just in: Apparently we’ve already done the “confusing the two Georgias” bit already. We, here at SeriouslyGuys, apologize and will brutalize our writers for this oversight.

We only need 49 states, anyway

We already have enough problems dealing with the animals we know about, yet for some reason, people are convinced that there are bigger, scarier animals out there that will be ready to eat us. Sometimes these people are driven warriors trying to root out threats, other times they are godless homosexuals.

An expedition that set out into the wilds of West Virginia (which is a vague term, the whole state is pretty much uncivilized and uninhabitable) to find evidence of Bigfoot. And what do you know, they found some! What are the odds of people under the guise of science going out to seek unlikely results, find some and draw an immediate conclusion?

They found some tracks and heard weird sounds at night. Folks, this is evidence enough for this blog. It’s time to hit these large-footed bastards where they live. Let’s nuke West Virginia!