Tanks for the memories

For most mayors, a show of power by them is normally just embezzling a large sum of cash, then presumably hiding the money in the undergarments of a lady of the night, a loved one or a paramour. For some, it’s getting reelected. Sometimes it’s a combination of them all. For Arturas Zuokas, it’s driving around his town in a tank and crushing the vehicles of his citizens.

It would seem that in the Lithuanian town of Vilnius, the owners of expensive cars have begun parking said vehicles in the bike lanes, which has become a big problem.

“I’ve had enough of these drivers parking their luxury cars on bike lanes and pedestrian crossings. This tank is a good tool to solve the problem of parking in the wrong place,”

To combat this outbreak, the mayor made the only sensible decision and drove an eight-wheeled tank over a Mercedes Benz parked in a bike lane. Mind you, this issue with the cars isn’t a historically bad problem, it’s just been something that’s arisen over the past week or so.

“In the past few days, expensive cars have been illegally parked in almost this exact place – a Rolls-Royce and a Ferrari,” he said in a video released by the city government.

We’d just like to point out that last part so that people don’t think Mayor Zuokas made a horribly rash decision.

Vilnius: The new face of craziness insanity reckless behavior terror. The town’s sleepiness belies its true nature.

Oh god, I’m fat

I know it was you, Popeye. You broke my heart.In my on-going series of ways that Alabama is trying to kill me, I’ve learned that I’m a no-good fat fatty-fat fat-fat.

Those of you who may know me would be surprised, considering I’ve always seemed smaller than everyone else (except Chugs). But that’s exactly how it snuck up on me.

According to Time Magazine, Alabama ranks as not only one of the poorest, but also one of the fattest states (except Mississippi). Over 30% of this state’s population is obese because of fried food, gravy and a lack of grocery stores, sidewalks, bike lanes and public transportation (gotta walk to bus stops).

Because so many people around me are obese, I didn’t even notice my weight gain. No matter how big I got, I looked “normal.” And, according to CNN, even Old Navy may have conspired against me by marking larger cloths with smaller measurements! So my waist size hasn’t really been 30 this whole time!

So, when Alabama’s tornadoes and rising STD rates missed me, it resorted to the old fashioned way: diabetes and heart disease.