I’m not a Trump supporter, but I think I know what it’s like to be one. After all, I’m a New England Patriots fan. I know what it’s like to be part of a group that has clearly had the rules systematically bent in their favor, only to develop a persecution complex when things don’t go our way once or twice. Also, I’ve talked myself into believing that the leader of my team doesn’t really mean it when he supports questionable political ideas. Most of the country hates us, but we win anyway. No wonder Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are friends with this Trump guy. If you were busy this week taking weird photos to announce that you are pregnant with twins, odds are you missed it.
Trump vs. Australia
This week, President Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull had a phone conversation, and it did not go well. At one point, Trump criticized a refugee agreement between the U.S. and Australia, and eventually he hung up on Malcolm. Sen. John McCain called Australia Ambassador Joe Hockey (who should really be the Canadian ambassador) to smooth things over between the two countries. I don’t know if the good-cop-bad-cop routine has ever been used in international diplomacy, this should be interesting.
Attention whore gets attention in attention-grabbing move
In the most predictable news story of the week, alt-right white nationalist darling Milo Yiannopoulos was forced to cancel his speaking engagement at Berkeley due to student protests. Yiannopoulos and his supporters criticized the violence conducted by some demonstrators, including a big fire, but really, they were just upset they couldn’t throw books into it.
Don’t eat fast food packaging
And finally, scientists revealed this week that chemicals used to block grease in fast food containers are leeching into our burgers, fries and burritos. Great plan, guys, telling Americans that fast food is bad for them hasn’t worked so far, but why not try it again?
People are all freaked out today that the company that owns SkyMall is filing for bankruptcy protection. I find this pretty baffling. First, because “filing for bankruptcy protection” isn’t a synonym for “going out of business.” Secondly, because it’s like not catalogs or any other form of printed periodicals have done very well in the last 15 years. And finally, have you every bought any of the junk they peddle? That’s why they’re hurting for cash. If you were busy making comebacks at lawmakers this week, odds are you missed it.
King Tut gets a makeover
This week, it was announced that the beard of King Tut’s famed golden burial mask was broken off and reattached with epoxy during cleaning sometime last year. The job was clearly rushed, and used the wrong type of adhesive was used. There’s now a gap between Tut’s chin and his beard, and Egyptian Museum officials worry some of the damage is permanent. To be fair, he’s been sporting the same look for over 3,000 years. It’s about time it was updated.
The New England Patriots are going to the Super Bowl, but the media needs something to talk about to fill the two weeks until the big game. Enter the Indianapolis Colts. The team complained that the Patriots were using footballs that were underinflated, a violation of the rules, and a subsequent investigation found 11 of 12 Patriots balls weren’t filled to regulation minimums. Sports media, known for being level-headed, have called for coach Bill Belichick and quarterback Tom Brady to be suspended from the Super Bowl over rule about ball inflation that no one has ever cared about. The balls have been suspended for two games.
Company foolishly picks fight with Liam Neeson
This week, actor Liam Neeson was criticized for his comments about guns in the U.S., which is to say that he said anything about them. Neeson said that gun culture here has gotten out of hand, and that there are too many guns in America. Coming from a guy who’s beeninafewactionmovies, this can sound a little odd, but reasonable. Still, PARA USA, the gun supplier for Taken 3, has called for a boycott of the new movie. This is where the firearm debate has led us: a man who glorifies guns in his movies says guns are glorified, and the gun industry, which suffers from a persecution complex anyway, tells people not to go see a movie that glorifies guns because the guy who glorifies them says guns are glorified.
We have arrived at the end of another week, and also the end of another month. It seems like only yesterday I was recovering from a hangover courtesy of cheap champagne. This weekend promises to be just as entertaining for all of America (or at the very least, the dudes) with the Super Bowl on Sunday. If you were busy contemplating not working on Tuesdays from now on, odds are you missed it.
Blagojevich, hair unhappy with obvious ouster
Never mind that he’s facing federal corruption charges, Illinois Gov. Rod “The Bod” Blagojevich was kicked out of office yesterday. Blagojevich became the former governor after making a heart-wrenching speech about how he has not been allowed to tell his side of the story and bring in witnesses who will defend him. State senators responded by unanimously voting him out and banning him from ever holding public office in the state again. Upon replacing Blagojevich, Gov. Pat Quinn pledged to clean up the office of the governor, and make sure the tape recorders were off when solicits or accepts bribes.
Being a Patriots fan, I have no recollection of there ever being a game
Police say they have recovered 27 Super Bowl rings that were made for the New York Giants last year. The rings were reported stolen from a Massachusetts jewelry store in June, the robbery netted an estimated $2 million. The rings have been sent to the Giants since being recovered, and a Boston area couple has been arrested in connection with the robbery. In other news, Bill Belichick could not be reached for comment.
And the dad is heading back to Iraq soon to get some peace and quiet
A mother of six gave birth to octuplets this week. Bringing her total count to 14 children. The mother has not been identified, but it is said she had feritility treatments and they did a little better than she had expected them to do. Here’s a question: if you already have four kids, why are you concerned about fertility?