You Missed It: End of 2013 edition

Choose your weapon and let's do this.
Choose your weapon and let’s do this.

If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’ve survived another year. We made it through a perilous 2013, filled with bad things happening, disappointing movies and famous people saying things they later related. Plus, one guy had an imaginary girlfriend. It was another year of everyone talking to each other, then eventually realizing that no one was listening, so they began shouting over each other. It’s time to close out the year, and good riddance. Join me as we look back on the insanity that was 2013. Self-medication is recommended.

January

Happy fiscal cliff!
In the first week of the year, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.

Juicers need not apply
The Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2013 was … no one. No candidate received the necessary 75% of the vote needed to be inducted, it’s the first time that’s happened since 1996. For some reason, the sports writers who cheered on the steroid-era players like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and others, decided they weren’t inspired by these cheaters. It seemed like a pretty stupid move. You don’t want to make juicers mad.

The inauguration was dubbed over
President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were sworn in for a second term in a small ceremony. Then, they were sworn in again the next day, because that was Martin Luther King Day, and they had already gone through the trouble of setting up streamers. Obama laid out his plan for the next four years, including some ideas he had hardly mentioned before. But who cares about covering any of that stuff? The media were more concerned about whether Beyoncé lip-synched. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2013 edition

You Missed It: Off into the sunset edition

This is the tale of Capt. Jack Tonto.
This is the tale of Capt. Jack Tonto.

I haven’t seen SyFy’s Sharknado movie yet, but apparently a lot of you did. The TV B-movie blew expectations away. Apparently it’s about a bunch of sharks caught up in a tornado … and Tara Reid. Does the federal government have a plan in place should this really happen one day? Sequester be damned, I want a plan! If you were busy leaving the Church of Scientology this week, odds are you missed it.

He’s not “lone” if he has a sidekick
The Lone Ranger had the same line-up as the first Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Jerry Bruckheimer producing, Gore Verbinski directing, and Johnny Depp playing the quirky character who’s not the main character but is focused on for much of the movie anyway. And it bombed. Disney put about $225 million into the film, and it took in only $49 million for its opening weekend. In all, it was a victory for race relations.

Thanks, Canada
Arguably, the person who had the biggest week was … *sigh* Justin Bieber. First, he put a hex on the Chicago Blackhawks by getting his picture taken with the Stanley Cup in the team’s locker room. Then, a video surfaced of him peeing into a mop bucket at a restaurant shouting, “F&$# Bill Clinton!” Clinton advised Bieber’s legions of female fans to do so.

Ice Cream Truckers
It’s summer, and that means ice cream trucks. In Washington, D.C. this week, an armed man carjacked an ice cream truck and got away, despite the music making it easy for police to follow him. Then, in upstate New York, a man known around town as “Mr. Ding-A-Ling” was arrested on suspicion of DUI after his ice cream truck swerved into oncoming traffic. Any day a guy in your community with that nickname is arrested, and it’s not related to sexual assault, is a good day.

You Missed It: On the cover edition

"Thnx 4 not tweeting the 'Two Virgins' album cover."
“Thnx 4 not tweeting the ‘Two Virgins’ album cover.”

Remember 1998, if you can. Bill Clinton was president, the Spice Girls were considered musicians, and we had two asteroid movies. We went for years and years without a single major “asteroid is coming to end humanity” movie, and then BAM, we get Deep Impact and Armageddon. How does that happen? Well, this year we’re getting two different “White House gets overrun by terrorists” movies. I can’t remember the last time we even had one in that vein, unless you count Air Force One. We need Congressional hearings examining why this is happening. If you were busy asking Kate Upton to your prom this week, odds are you missed it.

The tweet heard round the world
This week, Yoko Ono tweeted a picture of John Lennon’s bloody glasses, with a statement about the thousands of Americans who have been killed by guns since her husband was shot in 1980. It was then retweeted by President Barack Obama’s campaign arm, Organizing for Action, which got people talking. Only thing is, it’s just a cropped photo of Ono’s “Season of Glass” album cover. The photo has existed for over 30 years, but it’s only now gaining popularity, because no one listens to Yoko Ono, and they just assume the picture has a cool Instagram filter on it.

The age-old Harvard-New Mexico rivalry
March Insanity is off and running. Yesterday, the first round began, and productivity in the U.S. dropped significantly. A lot of people are complaining that their brackets are already shot, after Harvard beat New Mexico in a 68-62 stunner. This is not the first or last time that people who went to Harvard made you lose money.

Coming soon to fanfiction
Joe Jonas, who is apparently one of the Jonas brothers, denied rumors that there is a sex tape of he and his girlfriend. The rumor claimed that the video showed Jonas and Blanda Eggenschwiler, what a name, and was shot by a third party. Jonas tweeted, and this is true, “Ball gag? Really? Me?” I think that’s also the title of the next album.

You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It's how I do my thinking.
It’s how I do my thinking.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?

January:

Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time rule
A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

There’s one born every minute between 1950 and 1959

Anti-aging products are a booming industry–as in baby boomers are buying them all up. (If you regret the 10 seconds of your life lost reading that last sentence, too bad. No refunds.) Although none are proven to work as advertised, the cosmetic surgery, hormone replacement, skin care and fitness industries are predicted to “increase from $80 billion now to more than $114 billion by 2015.”

However, not every boomer is falling for “look young quick” schemes. The pinnacle of boomer presidents, Bill Clinton, has become a vegan, proving there’s nothing he won’t do to feel younger, liberal breasts.

Get civil, motherf@%kers

The University of Arizona created the National Institute for Civil Discourse on Monday, “a nonpartisan center for debate, research, education and policy generation regarding civility in public discourse.”

To prove its bipartisan credentials, the newly created think-tank will be chaired by former U.S. presidents George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton, who each famously promoted civility by trading arms to Iranians to fund guerrilla wars in South America and giving long, uncomfortable hugs, respectively.

Oral sex + knife = baby?

If you thought that it wasn’t sex if you only made with the mouth games, then we regret to inform you, Mr. President, that you are wrong.

In 1988, a 15-year-old African girl with no vagina gave birth. (It was a Caesarean birth, obviously.)

So, how did a girl from Lesotho get pregnant without a vagina?

  1. Orally.
  2. And then followed with a knife fight.

She was stabbed in the stomach by a jealous ex-boyfriend shortly after swallowing manimals, opening a channel for the sperm to swim into her love canal.

So, perhaps when we talk about safe sex, we should add a new method: leaving your knives at home.

(Special thanks to Kristen E.)

Got any plans for Feb. 25?

Clinton may be more proficient, but you never know what Bush will do in the ring!THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY!

February 25, 2010 (pronounced “twenty-ten”) the Decider, the Executioner-in-Chief, the Iraqi Hurt Locker, former two-term questionable election champion, George “Dubya” Bush will be in an “uncensored, unedited and unpredictable” “no-holds-barred” debate …

…against the Chubby Chaser, the Silver-Tongued Diablo de NAFTA, also a former two-term champion, Bill “The Inhaler” Clinton!

The event will occur at Radio City Music Hall in the Fightin’ Manhattan district of Fightin’ New York City, right under where they shoot the Fightin’ Saturday Night Live!

No rules! No cop-outs! Two elder statesmen will enter, and both will leave under heavy security!

THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY!

BE THERE!

The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1990-1999)

For the U.S. the 1990s was a time of relative peace. To borrow from Dickens, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was a time of oral sex in executive buildings and clear colas. It was a time of grunge and it was a time of Hanson. It was a time of the wild west Internet and it was a time of Y2K fears.

History looks back on the 1990s as yet another decade of self-indulgence. It marked for many the hastening of corporations to catch on to and exploit new trends with the youth, and it was also when gold rimmed glasses were in fashion (I should know). In comparison to the troubles found before and after it, the 1990s seem almost like a party–a party where you have to wear your pants baggy.

Grab your Tamagotchi and hit the jump. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1990-1999)

Head of altered state

If you were the leader of a country, what would you do? Would you be a noble leader? A benevolent dictator? Or would you be a notorious drunk and go on a bender while on foreign trips?

Former Russian Boris Yeltsin chose the latter. According to witnesses who are apparently just now releasing this story, a drunk Yeltsin was on a trip to Washington in 1995 when Secret Service police found him wandering around–at night–in his underwear–trying to get some pizza. Somehow the drunken bear made it past his own embassy’s security. Whoops.

(Thanks Chris!)