You Missed It: End of 2017 edition

There’s no other way to get through this.

Remember when it was a running joke that 2016 was the worst year ever? That was a great year compared to 2017. “Oh no, some famous people died, 2016 sucks!” It’s like 2017 heard our complaining and decided to show us what a bad year really looks like. The good news is that there’s no reason 2018 won’t be even worse. So this right now is as good as it gets. This year we were all a distracted boyfriend. We thought fidget spinners were the best and worst thing ever at the same time. We gave out the wrong Oscar for best picture. We all looked at the eclipse with special glasses — except for one guy. We punched Nazis. We ended the careers of creepy men. We debated the meaning of “covfefe.” It was the year of the clown, from Donald Trump to the remake of It. There were huge fires and massive hurricanes. There were threats of nuclear war. Let’s double-tap this awful year with a final look back. Fill up your glass and take a deep breath.

January

Going for gold
Days before the inauguration, CNN and BuzzFeed reported that President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump had been briefed on a series of unverified memos from a former British spy claiming that the Russians were trying to get dirt on Trump to use as leverage against him. One of the leaked documents said Russian spies had recorded Trump getting a golden shower from some prostitutes while in Moscow. Of course Trump likes golden showers. Have you seen his mansions? Golden everything!

Gone to that big theme park in the sky
SeaWorld held its final killer whale show, marking the end of an era. The final show came just couple days after Tillikum, the killer whale in Blackfish, had died. We didn’t realize how serious SeaWorld was about retiring those whales.

Going off the path
The Trump administration banned huge swaths of the federal government from sharing scientific data. This lead to the Badlands National Park’s Twitter account to go rogue, tweeting out scientific facts that support that climate change is real and humans are the leading cause of it. We should have known that the rebellion would start with those rugged, high-socked trail guides who know how to live off the land.

February

Trump vs. Australia
President Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull had a phone conversation, and it did not go well. At one point, Trump criticized a refugee agreement between the U.S. and Australia, and eventually he hung up on Malcolm. Sen. John McCain called Australia Ambassador Joe Hockey (who should really be the Canadian ambassador) to smooth things over between the two countries. It was the good-cop-bad-cop routine has ever been used in international diplomacy, this should be interesting.

Phones can start wars
Kids are always texting and tweeting on the cell phones, right? No one thinks that it’s a bigger problem than Pope Francis. During an address to some students, His Holiness advised the kids to put their phones down at the dinner table and have a real, face-to-face conversation with adults, or else it’s “the start of war if there is no dialogue.” However, the students were too busy plotting their war against adults via text message.

New level of s*&^$y performance
A band made headlines after a failed enema stunt on stage got them banned from a venue in Houston. According to the bar owner, Sonic Rabbit Hole performed on stage, and then one band member gave another member an enema, and the bag burst. And that, Mr. President, is why we need to support the arts.

March

Russia still way better than U.S. in coverups
FBI Director James Comey took the unusual step of confirming that his agency is investigating President Donald Trump’s campaign team and the Russians, and the list of campaign officials who met with the Russians continued to grow. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer denied that there was any wrongdoing, saying that Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale were just family friends.

Police get a win for Brady
Authorities announced that they found the stolen Super Bowl jersey of Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback ever to play the game, as well as his missing jersey from his Super Bowl victory two years earlier. The jerseys were reportedly stolen by a journalist and taken to Mexico, where they were later found. The Breitbart version of that story: Mexico sent its dishonest media to steal a hardworking white American’s shirt off his back.

Not to mention that candlestick was oozing sex
The live-action Beauty and the Beast opened in theaters to rave reviews of women who remember the 90s. The movie faced a boycott from conservative Christian mothers who didn’t like that there was a gay character in the movie. They said that a kid’s movie about Stockholm syndrome and a bunch of enchanted household objects trying to get their buffalo-man boss laid is one thing, but a gay person is going too far.

April

White girl solves racism
Pepsi released an ad that featured noted young rich person Kendall Jenner joining a crowd of protesters holding signs reading “Join the Conversation!” and giving a police officer a can of Pepsi. The ad was criticized for trivializing the Black Lives Matter movement to sell sugar water. Executives were shocked that a crowd of diverse stereotypes, music, and a message so general that it’s meaningless didn’t work. After all, it worked for Coke 46 years ago.

For those who only look like they work hard
This decade, whatever we end up calling it, probably isn’t going to be known for its fashion. A week after those clear-legged jeans hit the market, Nordstrom answered back with jeans that already look muddy. For just $425, you can dress like the day laborers you pay less than minimum wage.

It’s never OK to joke about suicide
Netflix faced criticism over its show 13 Reasons Why and its depiction of suicide. Critics said that the sensitive topic should have been handled more responsibly, and that it’s way too early to be profiting off of the Aaron Hernandez story.

May

You’ve got worms
The WannaCry worm infected computers around the world. Called ransomware, the worm held the hard drives of infected Windows computers for ransom, demanding payment in Bitcoin. It struck hundreds of thousands of computers in 150 countries, and led to hundreds of thousands of wives questioning what websites their husbands visit when they’re not home.

Trump creates job opening
President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey over his investigation of connections between Trump campaign officials and Russian agents and hacking the Democratic National Committee’s emails in 2016. It was a decision that would in no way come back to haunt him.

Sleeping Tiger
Police in Florida arrested Tiger Woods after he was found sleeping at the wheel of his car which was on the side of the road. Reports indicate that alcohol was not involved, but rather his incoherent state was the result of a reaction to his prescription medication. Floridians were outraged that Woods was arrested, arguing that every driver in Florida is messed up on drugs.

June

‘Transformers: The Ides of March’
Transformers: The Fifth Film in the Series hit theaters. Critics answered with a resounding, “Why does this exist?” but the real news was that spin-off movies are planned. Executives are reportedly considering prequel films involving the Transformers in ancient Rome. This would be great, because who doesn’t want to watch a movie about robots wearing togas that transform into chariots?

The Sessions session
Attorney General Jeff Sessions visited his old friends in the Senate this week to testify under oath. Sessions claimed a faulty memory throughout much of the questioning about ties to Russia, and said he thought he was going to talk about his favorite monuments being torn down.

The sexual assault trial of actor Bill Cosby was declared a mistrial after the jury remained deadlocked on reaching a verdict. Cosby’s lawyer cheered the news, and assured his client that American society will be far more tolerant to sexual assault allegations in the months ahead.

July

Spice put on ice
Sean Spicer stepped down from his post as White House press secretary. He at first denied the reports as fake news from the dishonest liberal media, but then looked down at his notes and learned that he had apparently resigned.

Man who didn’t murder two people granted parole
O.J. Simpson was granted parole this week after serving nine years in prison for an armed heist to steal back some of his memorabilia that had been sold. Simpson told the judge he plans to search for the real armed robber.

Tardigrades will outlive us all
A study was published suggesting that tardigrades, microscopic animals that can’t really be burned, frozen or anything else, are the most likely form of life to survive a cataclysmic event on Earth. Considering how things are going, they can have it.

August

Age of retirement in U.K. is 96
It was announced that Prince Phillip would retire from making public appearances, citing ill health and the fact that he is 96 years old. Mr. The Queen also said he’s tired of Buckingham Palace staff thinking he’s a ghost.

Veterans, not veterinarians
Congress can’t even help puppies. A bill was introduced in July to defund the Department of Veterans’ Affairs from testing stuff like meth on dogs, and giving dogs heart attacks. The bill enjoyed bipartisan support in August, and promptly died after no vote was taken on it in committee.

The citronella soldiers
A bunch of Civil War cosplayers and white power enthusiasts stepped away from Twitter for a day so that they could rally in support of free speech in Charlottesville, Virginia. The idiots grabbed tiki torches and no doubt intimidated local mosquitoes as planned.

September

Is this not a test?
TV viewers in California were shocked when emergency alerts flashed on their screens with incoherent messages. One message was a panicked voice talking about the government working with extraterrestrials, and the other proclaimed that violent times were ahead. It turned out that both were recordings of crazy people calling in to radio shows years earlier. Man, I hate sweeps week gimmicks.

From Russia with likes
It was uncovered that Russian-funded ads on Facebook spread pro-Trump propaganda and even organized Trump rallies while appearing to be grassroots movements. President Donald Trump responded in his typical, even-keeled way, saying that the Facebook ad controversy was fake news. So the news about the fake news on the site plagued continually by fake news is fake news. Get it straight.

Blood feud
A disturbing video of police officers in Utah violently arresting a nurse went viral. The arrest resulted after the nurse refused to draw blood from an unconscious subject without consent or warrant. Police officers countered that she got what she deserved because they had asked her, “Pretty please,” even adding, “with sugar on top.”

October

The final away message
AOL announced that it was shutting down its instant messenger service once and for all. Your parents were reportedly very upset by the announcement.

The woke yogurt
Yogurt company Oikos dropped Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton from its ad campaign after he made sexist remarks about a woman asking him questions during a news conference. To show how sorry he was, and how mature he has become from this learning experience, in an apology video he promised to never laugh when a female reporter says “route,” “balls,” or “slot.”

Fame monster fired
Media mogul Harvey Weinstein was fired from The Weinstein Company after numerous accusations of sexual harassment and sexual assault were brought to light. So let that be a lesson to all you men in power: don’t you dare defile a potted plant, or we’ll eventually get around to being outraged.

November

Never become the story
Today Show host Matt Lauer and radio yarn spinner Garrison Keillor were fired from there jobs amid allegations of inappropriate sexual behavior. One report against Lauer, and this is true, is that he gave a female employee a sex toy and wrote her a note about what he wanted to do with it. Meanwhile, female staffers reported numerous unwanted invitations to skinny dip with Keillor in Lake Woebegone.

Something happened in Delaware
Parts of the Mid-Atlantic were rocked when a magnitude 4.1 earthquake struck near Dover, Delaware. President Donald Trump said he hopes for a speedy recovery from the natural disaster, adding that the nation of Delaware brought this on itself.

Get out of jail free
President Donald Trump took credit for getting three UCLA basketball players out of a Chinese jail after they were arrested on suspicion of shoplifting. He then complained that the basketball players should have shown him more gratitude for their freedom. This was actually a news story this year.

December

Worst airport ever
Thousands of people’s days were ruined when Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport lost power for roughly 11 hours. The outage caused a massive travel snarl at the busiest airport in the U.S. The good news is that no one had to rush for their connecting flight.

Feel fancier than you are
Miller High Life has called itself “the champagne of beers,” probably hoping that most people have never had champagne. But this year, the discerning macro beer snob will be able to enjoy High Life in a champagne bottle. So if you’re hosting a New Year’s party, here a great prank to play at midnight.

Time grows short
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the life expectancy for the U.S. dropped for the second year in a row. So after all this, there’s something to look forward to.

You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

I will be drinking every single one of these.
I will be drinking every single one of these in the next half hour.

And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.

January

Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”

The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.

Radio nowhere
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

You Missed It: Secret society edition

A bunch of white people in formal attire shouting bigotry. A little on-the-nose, don't you think, guys?
A bunch of white people in formal attire shouting bigotry. A little on-the-nose, don’t you think, guys?

So they’re working on a Zoolander 2. I guess that’s not a terrible thing, but I don’t get the excitement around it. Admittedly, I wasn’t a huge fan of the first one, “really dumb lead character does really dumb things” movies have never really done it for me, and I know I’m in the minority. What I don’t get isn’t the appeal of the first movie, it’s the appeal of a sequel coming out 15 years after the first. Fifteen! The movie is so old that we were watching TV ads for it before 9/11. Stop and think about how long ago that was. I hate to see something like this happen, because it’s a sure sign Ben Stiller is out of ideas. If you were busy quitting your new fashion humor show this week, odds are you missed it.

Left to chants
This week, a chapter of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity at the University in Oklahoma got in trouble when a video of the group’s brothers doing a racist chant surfaced. The school kicked the frat out, and expelled at least two students in the video. But don’t worry, they were offered jobs with the Ferguson Police Department.

Giuliani hasn’t been keeping up with headlines lately
Former New York City Mayor and Guy Who’s Totally Not Running for President Rudy Giuliani has some advice for President Barack Obama. He said Obama should, and this is true, be more like Bill Cosby. You can find this insight and more in Giuliani’s new book, Date Rape Diplomacy.

Scientists still trying to figure out what they’re lacking
A new study has found that people look for someone they can have fun with when they are selecting a partner for a relationship. There you have it, if you’re alone, it’s because everyone thinks you’re no fun to be around.

You Missed It: Scientific advances edition

Guy's got game.
Guy’s got game.

The internet is many things. But I believe that decades from how historians will look back on it and just see it as “weird.” Take a look at what’s trending on Twitter on any given day and you’ll see. Yesterday was a two-fer. We had llamas on the run in Arizona, and a debate over the color of a dress. Machismo aside, I have no idea why people cared so much about that dress. I mean, at least the llama chase was fun to watch. There are countless optical illusions online, and this dress one went nuts for a day. Looks like it’s time to dust off the rights to Magic Eye. If you were busy legalizing marijuana this week, odds are you missed it.

‘The climate is changing … in my pants’
This week, Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (like you didn’t know that already), resigned amid sexual harassment claims. According to reports, Pachauri, 74, made unwelcome advances electronically toward several women. His go-to line: “Is the average temperature warming up from man-made causes in here, or is it just me?”

Bill Cosby is still touring for some reason
Embattled comedian Bill Cosby sent out a message to fans Friday before a performance in Louisiana. He thanked his fans for 53 years of their support, and said he couldn’t wait to see their smiling faces, and finished up his statement with, “Hey, Hey, Hey — I’m far from finished.” He then reminded his lady fans that his shows have a one-drink minimum.

Did the war even happen?
Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald found himself in trouble this week for lying about his service record. It was revealed that when he met a former special forces serviceman at an event supporting homeless people in Los Angeles, McDonald, an Army veteran, said he had served in special forces, too, when in fact he had not. McDonald apologized, and said he was actually with Brian Williams when his helicopter took fire.

Take it from Snee: Read the context, dummy

So I was scanning the Drudge Report for today’s posts, which is the only place where SeriouslyGuys writes itself without worrying about stealing Fark headlines. While there, I found an irresistible potential scandal to cover:

Source: Drudge Report, Mar 12, 2008

My pulse quickened a little, especially since it fell under the Eliot “Whoremonger” Spitzer story, which has already been covered to death. I thought, “Awesome, here’s a chance to use some leftover Michael Richards/Mark Fuhrman jokes!”

Then I opened the article. Its headline is “Angry Kilpatrick attacks foes, media.” Matt Drudge felt it was important to add “; uses n-word.”

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Read the context, dummy