Tag: bill o’reilly

The world of Fallout, today!

Ann Coulter recently went on The O’Reilly Factor to trumpet that radiation is good for us all.

“There is a growing body of evidence that radiation in excess of what the government says are the minimum amounts we should be exposed to are actually good for you and reduce cases of cancer.”

We’re talking heavy doses, not eensy-teensy bits.

DO NOT LISTEN TO HER WORDS.

It’s important to keep in mind that she is not a scientist, a licensed medical professional or a real person. Ann Coulter is actually a secret Diplohorsus Rex, a long rumored dinosaur-human-mammal hybrid race composed of the DNA from both horses and diplodocus, the extinct dinosaur. Everyone’s heard about the Illuminati, the Freemasons, the Saurians and other conspiracy darling constructs. They’re nothing compared to the Diplohorsus Rex. These monsters have been around for eons, piloting the War on Animals from behind the scenes, but they’re not on our side. They put on skin suits a la V (but with less Robert Englund and more subtle commentary against President Obama) to walk amongst us. Of course they want us to think that we can handle the extra radiation. It’d only kill us, that’s all.

We’re in a war, people. Make your choices carefully.

This is, of course, Glenn Beck’s fault

You gotta feel for Sean Hannity. For years, he was everyone’s favorite Fox News host to hate since O’Reilly would–occasionally–prove his independent politics. But, then Glenn Beck moved over from CNN.

Suddenly, waving a flag to match the one on your lapel while asking why liberals are traitors wasn’t crazy enough anymore. Where’s your tears, Sean? Are you too wussy to quake and cry for your homeland? We bet Colmes could blow a snot bubble for the greatest nation on Earth!

What’s a guy to do when he’s losing his ratings to a man who invites America to teaparties? Why, doctor video footage of Michelle Bachmann’s anti-health care rally with footage from a better-attended one to make it look like more than 10,000 people skipped work to protest the laziness of others.

CNN’s Rick Sanchez is high on crack

We never miss a chance to bash CNN. (Why? Because it’s fun and they link to us.) Apparently Twitter user Rick Sanchez, a reporter for CNN, had his account hacked by a phishing site. We still are not sure whether or not it has to do with one of his tweets yesterday.

“i am high on crack right now might not make it into work today”

Clearly the man was on something, he found himself unable to capitalize or even punctuate his tweet. Sanchez, this is your brain, this is your brain on drugs on Twitter. Any questions?

(I am legally obligated here to plug not only SG’s Twitter, but my own as well.)

But Sanchez wasn’t the only victim to this crime. More people who matter fell prey, like President-elect Barack Obama, Vice President-elect Britney Spears, and Fox News. Did you know that O’Reilly is gay? Apparently so. We here at SG are open-minded and applaud the pundit for coming out, particularly in his line of work. In following with his stance on homosexuality, O’Reilly will now check himself in to rehab/electroshock therapy until he is straight.

(Courtesy of Courtney P.)

Look out, Bill O!

Yes, Campbell Brown on Fox News rival CNN wants President-elect Barack Obama to reveal everything he hasn’t said about disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. (If you bet your friends that we copied and pasted that last name, collect your complimentary back rub.)

She took the president-elect to task on her new No Bias, No Bull show, which is obviously not a poor man’s respinning of the “No Spin Zone,” alleging that he did not say enough about not knowing that G-Rod was allegedly asking for bribes.

Brown also noted that investigating U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald said on record that Obama was not involved in the crime in any way.

So, if Obama’s innocent of all wrongdoing, then what is he hiding? Good question, Ms. Brown.

Don’t forget to wage your completely original War on Easter, read today’s “Speaking Points Memo” and hock your holiday goods at the online Brown Element store.

Stupid is bipartisan

This time, every year, we get to make fun of belligerent conservative talk show hosts claiming Christmas is under attack. It’s the highlight of this Web site’s holiday season.

Unfortunately, atheists have posted ads by nativity scenes and in public spaces decrying religion as “a myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.” Other ads include patronizing slogans like, “Why believe in God? Just be good for goodness’ sake.”

(You have to hand it to atheists: they know proper apostrophe use.)

So what kind of moron proves Bill O’Reilly, Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter right correct? Meet Dan Barker:

“a former evangelical preacher who now heads up the atheist and agnostic Freedom From Religion Foundation, said it was important for atheists to see their viewpoints validated alongside everyone else’s.”

So, he was an annoying Christian and now he’s pissing off the other side. Here’s a textbook case of validation issues: making personal belief choices, revising them and still forcing them on other people for attention.

Did we mention that Barker sounds like every idiot you went to college with who wouldn’t shut up about socialism or why he doesn’t own a television?

“‘If there can be a Nativity scene saying that we are all going to hell if we don’t bow down to Jesus, we should be at the table to share our views.'”

Also leading the stupid-counterswing is Fred Edwords, spokesman of the American Humanist Association, which was responsible for the “goodness’ sake” ads in DC metros. He claims that they weren’t meant to attack Christianity, but to “reach new audiences.”

“‘There are a lot of people out there who don’t know there are organizations like ours to serve their needs,’ Edwords said. ‘The thing is, to reach a minority group, in order to be heard, everyone in the room has to hear you, even when they don’t want to.'”

What do atheists need? Are there starving atheists being turned away from Salvation Army soup kitchens? Are elderly atheists unable to pick up their own groceries? Do they need more DVDs for their Sunday morning “Movie Time?”

Well, they’ve reached that new audience: stupid Christians who can’t ignore other stupid people. Newspapers and political offices are now being flooded with letters of complaint by Christ-heads who are “offended.” Way to go, guys: public offices can’t do anything about your religion.

So, if you’re trying your damndest not to commit mass vehicular slaughter in the mall parking lot, you can thank the organized atheists, agnostics and humanists who don’t know when to shut up.