Such a shift would no doubt delight business owners everywhere. There’s no law that says you have to pay animals for their work. You don’t really have to provide them health care coverage, either. And bird seed costs less than keeping the lights, water and heat running in an office setting. Think of the savings.
The seagulls’ blitz on the U.K. continues, in case you forgot that we aren’t the only ones being attacked. As you may recall, this onslaught is becoming a summer tradition.
Now it seems they aggressive gulls are taking the battle indoors. One such angry bird broke into a grocery store, or whatever they call them over there, in Truro, England. The seabird swooped down on customers, and was so aggressive that the store had to be evacuated. The dive bombing was brought to an end when the gull was captured and released outside.
Here’s some good news and bad news. The bad news is that science has discovered a new bird species on the Galapagos Islands. A DNA analysis found that two distinct species had been lumped into the same group, but the Galapagos vermilion flycatcher and the San Cristobal Island vermilion flycatcher are indeed two distinct species.
The good news is that the San Cristobal Island vermilion flycatcher is now extinct anyway. So in the War on Animals, that’s a net zero. We’ll take that.
Folks, the War on Animals has been going on for a long time now, but it’s never been this serious. They’re going after our nuclear power plants.
Indian Point is a nuclear plant a little north of New York City. Something tripped a breaker at the site and took the reactors offline for several days in December. Now, we’ve learned that bird poop was the cause of that outage, specifically, poop from large birds. There was so much bird crap on the wire that it couldn’t handle electricity anymore.
While this didn’t come remotely close to triggering a meltdown, it’s clear that the animals are testing our systems. They are exploring for weaknesses.
Every year when deer hunting season begins, there are always people who protest the sanctioned murder of the animals, completely forgetting that they throw themselves at our cars and try to starve us out by eating our crops. We’ve got another reason to continue killing.
It turns out, white tail deer eat birds. We thought these adorable beasts only ate vegetation, but according to nesting cams set up on federal land in North Dakota have caught deer in the act. What’s even more shocking is that this has apparently been known in the wildlife community for years, yet somehow it is only now coming to light.
Science has just found that humanity is long overdue for a victory lap in New Zealand.
Some time in the 13th century, the Polynesians colonized what today is New Zealand, which was ruled by nine different species of large, flightless birds called “moas.” Some of species stood up to six feet tall. It took humans only 200 years to wipe out all nine species, and that’s without guns.
So strike up the band, raise a glass to those brave warriors who won us a nontuple victory.
Let us repeat that in the appropriate tone: Crocodiles and alligators have joined the tool users club.
Researchers observed crocodiles and alligators (so here, too, not just Australia and Africa) placing sticks over their snouts as lures for birds. Once any birds perch, then the croc does the equivalent of flipping a quarter from your elbow to your hand, snapping up bird and stick whole.
As our own developmental history indicates, once a species learns to use tools, they step onto an exponentially accelerated fast track to iPods and nuclear weapons. And that it’s reptiles this time instead of ants or crows is, frankly, terrifying.
And the worst part? We already lost our species’ greatest hope in defeating them … to a stingray.
With fall firmly in place in the Northern Hemisphere, it seems reasonable to think that the War on Animals is going to start winding down for the year. But that would assume that our animal foes are reasonable. Rather than slowing things down, they’re going into high gear, in one big push before they all go into hibernation for the winter.
I don’t need to remind you, dear reader, of the threat posed by every single animal that exists on this planet. The numerous species are working in concert to overthrow we humans as the rulers of Earth. One would think such a goal would be easily accomplished, since we are so outnumbered, but we are ever-vigilant, and animals are dumber than we give them credit for.