Drunk seagulls terrorize British beachgoers

Another summer, another assault on Britons by aggressive and unruly seagulls. This year, they’re getting drunk and rowdy.

In South West England, seagulls are getting drunk off of half-full (or half-empty) alcoholic drinks that people abandon on the beach. Which is concerning first, because if you can’t finish a drink, you shouldn’t order it in the first place, Nigel.

These drunken seagulls caw loudly, and probably say some crude stuff to women on the boardwalk. Firefighters were called when one seagull fell off of a roof and was too drunk to fly. The bird then threw up on a firefighter.

The seagull and two of his friends were taken in to the drunk tank.

N.J. city to scare off crows with awesome fireworks, laser show

The capital of New Jersey is under siege. It’s been going on all winter, and the city government is going to fight back. That’s bad news if you’re a crow.

Citizens of Trenton have complained about the 30,000 some odd crows that arrived this winter and show no signs of leaving. They’re loud in the morning, they crap everywhere, and worst of all, they’re animals. Starting today, the city is teaming up with the USDA to get the crows out of town. Let’s run down what they plan to use:

  • Pyrotechnics — Hell yeah, crows hate KISS concerts.
  • Lasers — Unclear on whether this goes along with the concert idea, or whether the lasers are more the “pew pew” variety.
  • Spotlights — Blind the little suckers. That’ll show ’em!
  • Recordings of crow distress calls — Not sure how fighting loud birds with recordings of loud birds solves anything, but go for it.
  • Crow effigies — They’re going to put fake crows up around town? Maybe they think that when the fake crows don’t respond to conversation they’ll get bored and leave. Or maybe they’ll burn the crow effigies. Eat it, crows!

It seems obvious to state that we are heartened to see one city getting tough on our animal foes. It’s time we take the fight to them.

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes and spiders?

Guam, a tiny U.S. island in the South Pacific, is known for one thing and one thing only: a really nice golf course. Also: snakes. Ever since the brown tree snake was accidentally introduced to Guam in the 1940s, the species took off, having no natural predators and 12 native species of birds to eat.

Well, now Guam is down to two — count ’em: two — species of birds and plenty of snakes to go around. Oh, and did we mention spiders? Because, without birds to eat them, the spider population has exploded to 40 times more than that of other nearby islands. Scientists can’t even walk around the jungle without a stick to cut through the webs — they’re that thick, sometimes with dense swaths filling the gaps between trees.

So, the next time you see someone feeding the birds, shake their hand. That homeless person is on the front line, protecting us from a world of spiders, snakes and crawling skin.

It’s like they couldn’t cover their ears

By now, we’re sure that all of you have heard the news regarding birds falling out of the sky like a wet dream from Hitchcock. Some have suggested that it was lightning at hand. Some have directed their speculation towards a loud and potentially traumatic event, such as fireworks. A few have even suggested a biological weapon or experiment being tested on a hapless group of avian warriors.

But no one suggests the UFO? Nobody? Really? Does nobody want to shake the tentacle of that fine alien?

The contents of the sky are falling! The contents of the sky are falling!

Julie Knight of Coxley, England came home to a gruesome just horrible sight. More than 100 dead and injured starlings had fallen out of the sky and onto her property.

It’s just such a horrible thing to happen. Truly.

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals were unable to determine the cause of the birds death. The birds sustained physical injuries-they were neither poisoned nor did they fly into power lines. RSPCA spokeswoman Helen Cohen believes the birds may have been surprised by a predator:

The only possible explanation we can think of is that something has caused the flock to suddenly change their direction of flight and caused them to hit the ground.

It could have been that a bird of prey could have scared them into doing this, but it is still a mystery really.

The theory at SG Towers? The animals have now begun using kamikaze techniques-en masse. Which is truly terrifying. Who knows if it’ll end with just starlings, which are scary enough with their pointy beaks, and not something larger, like vultures or winged pigs?

Death can still come from above on your way to work

I live in Washington, D.C. and I take the Metro, our version of the subway. Think that’s boring? Your commute is never boring when there are birds of prey swooping down at you.

Some sort of big bird got its talon caught in the escalator of a D.C. Metro station recently. Rather than using the opportunity to kill off a beast that was no doubt circling, waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting commuter, the fire department freed the bird, which appeared to be OK.

This is why I am always on my guard. No matter where you live, you should be, too.

This works on snowbirds, too

This shouldn’t really come as news, but birds really do communicate with each other, especially when there is an enemy nearby. They signal their friends to warn them of nearby danger, or rally them to come to their aid and attack as a mob.

They can even aim the direction of their calls to the bird in a different area if they so choose. Thanks, science. Now we just need to learn their chirp for “Come here and enjoy these delicious seeds with me” so we can trap them and defeat our areal foes.

Nevermore

Animals are not human. That is one of the biggest things that separates us from the animals (the biggest: we are able to update our Facebook status).

But in Alaska, the humans are often surrounded by animals, so they form illegal bonds, and start attaching human characteristics to them. That is why this story claims birds are “mourning” the death of some ravens. This simply isn’t true.

Sure, some ravens got zapped on a power line, but that was intentional. We wanted the other birds to swoop in and see what happened. We wanted them to know that we assassinated those birds and the same thing would happen to them, too, unless they stayed the hell away from our children, our homes and our cars.

Birds on a plane

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s and bird and a plane!

Birds have shown a penchant for attacking our commercial aircraft by hitting windshields and getting stuck in jet turbines. But now, they have found other ways of holding up your flights: by boarding the plane before you do.

A plane in South Korea was all set to take off, when the flight was grounded because there was a sparrow flying around the cabin, making all sorts of demands. The bird became so much of a nuisance that the passengers had to get off the plane and hop on another one. The sparrow was captured, but incredibly, South Korean authorities let it go.

That sort of thing would never happen in North Korea.

March of the Poop-guins

Did you see what I did there? Oh my, aren’t I so clever! I’m probably the smartest person in world!

Okay, well, if I’m not, then I’m at least in the running to be smarter than a bunch of scientists from Jolly Ol’ Blighty that used a high-powered satellite to track down the fecal matter of Emperor penguins.

“This is a very exciting development. Now we know exactly where the penguins are, the next step will be to count each colony so we can get a much better picture of population size,” said penguin ecologist Phil Trathan.

Exciting development? More like crappy development, am I right guys? Huh? Huh?!