Who really wants to hear all that chirping, anyway?

Of all the animals we need to kill, birds may be the most important. Think about it: birds are the only type of animal that live in the deepest forests, the hottest deserts and the biggest oceans. We’ve used birds to communicate with each other, and we have even taught some birds how to talk. So how do we know they’re not spying on us and reporting our positions back to other animal foes?

With that in mind, we seem to be doing well in the fight against birds. According to a report by the federal government, we’re putting many species of birds in danger just by being us. We destroy their habitats and sometimes hit them with cars. Remember, we you see poop on your car, nine times out of 10, it’s from a bird. Isn’t it time you bought a high-powered rifle?

What are airports doing about the avian threat?

As proved recently in the crash in the Hudson, birds intentionally try to bring down planes carrying civilians because to them we are all the same. To keep the public safe, airports are using high tech stuff to keep our foes at bay.

They set up foliage that looks nice for landing on, and put netting over water so birds don’t land there. They use radar to track the enemy’s movements. They shine green light at the birds, which for some reason mimics a predator stalking them. We all know that bird predators are miners with low-light green film attached to their lamps, so it’s the logical choice.

Most importantly, they use guns. These guns are really used or loaded to kill, although they should be. They just shoot shells that make really loud noises to scare off the birds. Here’s a thought: why not load up those shotguns with actual shot, better yet, how about some bird-seeking missile launchers.

Your government keeping you safe

It can be said that the U.S. Department of Agriculture is one of our best allies in the War on Animals. No other federal agency promotes the slavery and wholesale slaughter of animals. (The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is really all about protecting the animals.)

So when dead birds were turning up in Franklin Township, New Jersey, it came as no surprise to us that the good ol’ Department of Ag was behind it. Hundreds of dead birds, English starlings, to be exact, dropped dead all over the town, making the sidewalks and streets squishier than ever. In all, 3,000 to 5,000 birds are expected to be whacked via pesticide. The only problem is, no one told the locals about the birds falling from the sky.

The feds are saying the starling is invading the barn homes of native bird species. But then again, are barns a natural habitat? Burn the barns and kill all the species at once.

Polly wants a distraction

One of the most powerful advantages one can control in war is the ability to misdirect the enemy. When you control what your enemy thinks is going on, you can control his actions and then move in. It seems we are not the only species on the planet that has refined war to an art form.

In Trenton, New Jersey, police responded to a complaint from neighbors who said they heard cries for help coming from a house. Now, this is nothing unusual for Jersey, but for some reason, the police felt they should look into this distress call.

“Help me! Help me!” was all they could hear when they knocked on the door, so the broke it down to help whoever was inside. The problem was, no one was home but a bird of some sort (the story is vague on that).

The alleged bird was clearly trying to distract law enforcement from the real danger. For all we know there was a prison break at the zoo or something.

The latest in diet tips

Spiders–sometimes they create superheroes, but most of the time, they are evil, especially in the War on Animals. They have attacked our space shuttles and even made us have forced sexual relations with another person.

But despite all this, spiders might actually be doing some good for us. It turns out they are killing off those pesky songbirds we all know and hate. According to a recent study, spiders, which are eaten by some types of birds, collect a lot of mercury and in turn end up with high mercury content in their blood (which leads to other health problems, including osteoporosis).

This blog really isn’t sure where to stand on spiders. They cause so much harm, but they are helping us rid the world of the avian menace. For now, we will stay neutral on them.

What is it with the Germans and animals?

While we’ve been focusing on the Knut the man-eating polar bear story lately, it’s important to note that there are other animals in Germany. These animals are just as dangerous, not only because they are animals, but because they are German. We all know how it goes when the Germans get riled up about stuff, same goes for the animal population.

No better an example of German animals and their freaky German fetishes is there than a swan love story in Muenster. There, Petra the swan fell in love with a swan paddleboat in 2006. However, Petra was later separated from her unnatural love with a seagoing vessel, in hopes she would find a new mate. She did, but he flew off.

“A zoo statement says that Petra ‘appears to feel lonely’ and is swimming around in an agitated state. The solution? On Friday, she will be taken back to the nearby lake and her faithful paddleboat.”

Not only is this an abomination against God and the natural order of things, but it means Muenster will no longer have its main attraction, Petra the emo swan.