What will it take to please Catholic bishops? … Oh.

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops maintains that the only acceptable, fool-proof form of contraception is their Drew Carey glasses.
The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops maintains that the only acceptable, fool-proof form of contraception is their Drew Carey glasses.

Seeking a compromise with Catholic leaders who object to providing insurance that covers birth control, President Barack Obama proposed an exemption for religious institutions. Instead of requiring religious-affiliated employers to pay for the same insurance coverage that every other employer has to, a third-party provider will cover the birth control costs.

Sounds reasonable, right? Of course not, if you’re a Catholic bishop.

The bishops wrote back on Thursday to say that the compromise does not go far enough, in that it does not “force sluts to pay for their whore pills.” The compromise also fails, in their opinion, to address the concerns of religious — yet not religiously-affiliated — employers like Hobby Lobby, whose CEO prefers to only provide the health coverage that he wants to his employees.

In other news: some guy quit his job — again — because the number 666 appeared on his W-2. And this is we don’t let religion determine U.S. policy.

South Africa: Kind of dicks with their elephants

A zoo in Germany has successfully inseminated an elephant with frozen sperm, providing a means to keep biodiversity up in enclosed, protective environments. It’s essential because both African and Asian elephants are endangered due to poaching and destruction of their habitats. If only there was some place with an abundance of elephants so that zookeepers wouldn’t have to go to this trouble. If only …

Oh, and South Africa has started giving their elephants birth control because they have too many of them. The biggest problem is that they keep their elephants fenced in preserves, so they can’t relieve their numbers through normal means like, oh, we don’t know, migrating?

“‘Because we have taken away opportunities, they don’t have the chance to remedy the overpopulation naturally as they would through migration,’ said Audrey Delsink Kettles, an elephant ecologist who has been leading studies for years on contraception at Makalali Private Game Reserve” rather than put two and two together by reading two articles in the same damn newspaper today.

Look, scientists. The Guys aren’t trying to tell you how to do your jobs, but maybe it’s time to stop taking your cues from a cartoon coyote? He probably doesn’t have the elephants’ best interests at heart, and what’s he gonna do with them once he catches them?

It only feels like you’re dying on long flights

Ever catch a follow-up to a news story you didn’t know existed and then realize that that original news could have been something important? Like how scientists discovered that the cholesterol in eggs is actually good for you, but you’ve been eating a dozen a day this entire time because you never knew they could have killed you?

That’s when the Guys play a little game we call, “WaitWhat?!

Good news! It turns out that flying coach won’t kill you with blood clots.


Apparently, doctors had suspected for some time now that long flights contribute to blood clots in normally healthy people, particularly if you were penned up with the other livestock in coach. The more couped up you are, especially in a window seat, you’re less likely to get up or tap a foot lest you want to launch the Shasta on your tray over the seat and into the guy reclining into your crotch. (If you didn’t hear about this, it’s obvious you don’t read the First Class edition of the in-flight magazine.)

But, they’ve revised that hypothesis based on research quietly conducted through episodes of The Office on that little overhead television. They now believe the only ones at risk are those with conditions pre-existing the stressful rigors of flying coach. So, if you’re flying for a big presentation, convince your boss that you need to fly First Class.

Oh, and one of those pre-existing conditions? Using birth control.


Sorry, that’s another edition of “WaitWhat?!

Ask Dr. Snee: Turns out I’m right about everything

Why, hello there.

You know, I get a lot of letters and many of them question my expertise. Rather than post each and every one of them up here, let me just answer what you’re all really wondering: am I a doctor? Yes.*

A few of you went further in your letters and politely asked if I am insane. I assure you that not only am I sane, but a lot of research published this week proves that I am also right. But, in the words of Geordi LaForge, don’t take my word for it. This week’s batch of letters show again and again that, when it comes to four out of five doctors, I’m one of those four. (Except when I’m rocking a mic. Then I’m one of a kind.) Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Turns out I’m right about everything

The surprise reason for sudden weight gain

Science! It’s time for science! And, in this case, we mean science that you keep to yourself and certainly never bring up in an argument.

It turns out that, despite your wife or girlfriend’s complaints, it’s not her pill-form birth control that has caused her recent weight gain. That would be food and/or laziness.

Again, we remind you to never ever ever EVER use this newly acquired knowledge except to quietly reassure yourself when alone that you were right…. But not too loudly, because she may have bugged your office/masturbatorium.

Did they try ‘sexting’ their kids?

According to a Harvard study, more than 40 percent of parents wait until it’s too late to have “The Talk” with their kids. Two-thirds of sons reported having sex before discussing proper condom use with their parents, which means that few bananas have been wasted with spermicide and a lot of elbows were very protected. One-fourth of polled daughters never learned about saying no, which is good for teenage boys and high school teachers, but bad for at least appearances’ sake.

The scary part? The study consisted of a survey of only 141 parents, who were enrolled in a program called “Talking Parents,” which was meant to help them discuss birds and bees and why we don’t have sex with them, but each other. Yet, they still waited until it was too late.

Coupled with the past eight years of abstinence-only sex education, it’s amazing that Photoshop hasn’t added a “Herpes Wand” tool for school picture touch-ups.

So now, the recommended age to begin talking to your children about sex is always. When your toddler notices things in the bathtub, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do. When they’re watching The Piano for their fourth grade movie review, explain what a Harvey Keitel is to them. And when they’re going to their first dance, make sure they know all the lyrics to “The Humpty Dance.”

This is a full-out pop culture assault. If they’re not gonna read a book vampire book with sex, then you’ve got to step up.

If you love marriage so much …

Is it just us or does it seem odd that a group of unmarried freeloaders are considering themselves experts on marriage? It’s kind of like learning the ins and outs of scuba diving from people who are afraid to swim.

That hasn’t stopped the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops from issuing a series of letters to explain their positions, again, on marriage, reproductive rights and cyborgs patients on life support.

We haven’t read these earth-shattering documents, but we’ll sum them up for you anyway:

“You got married, now have babies and don’t you stop until the corpse of your spouse is cold.”

(If the other week was bad for Scientology, how weird is it that the Catholics were next for this week?)

Back to the old drawing board …

"Allow me to introduce myself: Wyle E. Coyote, sexual genius."The list of ways to have sex with ladies without getting them pregnant is now one method shorter. It appears that women can get pregnant again when they’re already pregnant, so don’t believe all the hype on that fetish.

Fortunately, that still leaves:

  • Anal
  • Oral
  • Post-menopausal women
  • Condoms (though only 99.9 percent effective and everyone reading this must be exceptional)
  • Being a lesbian
  • Painting a second egg on the uterine wall, causing your sperm to crash headlong into it instead of fertilizing the real egg

The audacity of Pope

Is it just us, or does the Pope cover some dated issues?

What did he talk about in the Middle East today? The Holocaust and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Other times? Birth control, abortion and masturbation. Oh, and don’t get us started on the old man’s stories about Jesus. (How many times can you hear about the same three miracles, anyway?)

Weren’t these topics already settled in 1970s and 1980s ABC After-School Specials, and more grippingly than an old German guy speaking Latin?

We want some new insights, Your Holiness. What do you think about Twitter? Or universal health care? How bad did you think Wolverine was? Get some new material, old man.

Ask Dr. Snee: Birth Control to the Future

Dear Dr. Snee,

I keep seeing these weird commercials for ladies’ birth control that looks like a little plastic tree that goes in their vagina? How the hell does that work? It won’t plug my peehole, right?


You’re talking about the Mirena IUD. No, it won’t plug your “peehole,” or urethra, when you’re “plowing” all those “MILFs.” Actually, they should be called MYLFs, because maybe you’d like to “fornicate” them, but Elvis and I agree: doing a mother is wrong, especially the mother of your children.

As to how it works, this is a closely-guarded medical secret, which is why I’m going to tell you and the millions who read this serious medical advice column: time travel. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Birth Control to the Future