Seeking a compromise with Catholic leaders who object to providing insurance that covers birth control, President Barack Obama proposed an exemption for religious institutions. Instead of requiring religious-affiliated employers to pay for the same insurance coverage that every other employer has to, a third-party provider will cover the birth control costs.
Sounds reasonable, right? Of course not, if you’re a Catholic bishop.
The bishops wrote back on Thursday to say that the compromise does not go far enough, in that it does not “force sluts to pay for their whore pills.” The compromise also fails, in their opinion, to address the concerns of religious — yet not religiously-affiliated — employers like Hobby Lobby, whose CEO prefers to only provide the health coverage that he wants to his employees.
A zoo in Germany has successfully inseminated an elephant with frozen sperm, providing a means to keep biodiversity up in enclosed, protective environments. It’s essential because both African and Asian elephants are endangered due to poaching and destruction of their habitats. If only there was some place with an abundance of elephants so that zookeepers wouldn’t have to go to this trouble. If only …
Oh, and South Africa has started giving their elephants birth control because they have too many of them. The biggest problem is that they keep their elephants fenced in preserves, so they can’t relieve their numbers through normal means like, oh, we don’t know, migrating?
“‘Because we have taken away opportunities, they don’t have the chance to remedy the overpopulation naturally as they would through migration,’ said Audrey Delsink Kettles, an elephant ecologist who has been leading studies for years on contraception at Makalali Private Game Reserve” rather than put two and two together by reading two articles in the same damn newspaper today.
Look, scientists. The Guys aren’t trying to tell you how to do your jobs, but maybe it’s time to stop taking your cues from a cartoon coyote? He probably doesn’t have the elephants’ best interests at heart, and what’s he gonna do with them once he catches them?
Ever catch a follow-up to a news story you didn’t know existed and then realize that that original news could have been something important? Like how scientists discovered that the cholesterol in eggs is actually good for you, but you’ve been eating a dozen a day this entire time because you never knew they could have killed you?
Apparently, doctors had suspected for some time now that long flights contribute to blood clots in normally healthy people, particularly if you were penned up with the other livestock in coach. The more couped up you are, especially in a window seat, you’re less likely to get up or tap a foot lest you want to launch the Shasta on your tray over the seat and into the guy reclining into your crotch. (If you didn’t hear about this, it’s obvious you don’t read the First Class edition of the in-flight magazine.)
But, they’ve revised that hypothesis based on research quietly conducted through episodes of The Office on that little overhead television. They now believe the only ones at risk are those with conditions pre-existing the stressful rigors of flying coach. So, if you’re flying for a big presentation, convince your boss that you need to fly First Class.
Oh, and one of those pre-existing conditions? Using birth control.
You know, I get a lot of letters and many of them question my expertise. Rather than post each and every one of them up here, let me just answer what you’re all really wondering: am I a doctor? Yes.*
A few of you went further in your letters and politely asked if I am insane. I assure you that not only am I sane, but a lot of research published this week proves that I am also right. But, in the words of Geordi LaForge, don’t take my word for it. This week’s batch of letters show again and again that, when it comes to four out of five doctors, I’m one of those four. (Except when I’m rocking a mic. Then I’m one of a kind.) Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Turns out I’m right about everything
Again, we remind you to never ever everEVER use this newly acquired knowledge except to quietly reassure yourself when alone that you were right…. But not too loudly, because she may have bugged your office/masturbatorium.
According to a Harvard study, more than 40 percent of parents wait until it’s too late to have “The Talk” with their kids. Two-thirds of sons reported having sex before discussing proper condom use with their parents, which means that few bananas have been wasted with spermicide and a lot of elbows were very protected. One-fourth of polled daughters never learned about saying no, which is good for teenage boys and high school teachers, but bad for at least appearances’ sake.
The scary part? The study consisted of a survey of only 141 parents, who were enrolled in a program called “Talking Parents,” which was meant to help them discuss birds and bees and why we don’t have sex with them, but each other. Yet, they still waited until it was too late.
Coupled with the past eight years of abstinence-only sex education, it’s amazing that Photoshop hasn’t added a “Herpes Wand” tool for school picture touch-ups.
So now, the recommended age to begin talking to your children about sex is always. When your toddler notices things in the bathtub, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do. When they’re watching The Piano for their fourth grade movie review, explain what a Harvey Keitel is to them. And when they’re going to their first dance, make sure they know all the lyrics to “The Humpty Dance.”
This is a full-out pop culture assault. If they’re not gonna read a book vampire book with sex, then you’ve got to step up.
Is it just us or does it seem odd that a group of unmarried freeloaders are considering themselves experts on marriage? It’s kind of like learning the ins and outs of scuba diving from people who are afraid to swim.
I keep seeing these weird commercials for ladies’ birth control that looks like a little plastic tree that goes in their vagina? How the hell does that work? It won’t plug my peehole, right?
You’re talking about the Mirena IUD. No, it won’t plug your “peehole,” or urethra, when you’re “plowing” all those “MILFs.” Actually, they should be called MYLFs, because maybe you’d like to “fornicate” them, but Elvis and I agree: doing a mother is wrong, especially the mother of your children.