Sneezing birthday cake out declared overdoing it

The only 100% foolproof way to keep people from eating bacteria-tainted cake.

In our daily search to deliver to you, dear reader, the most pressing, urgent news, we read some unbelievable statistics. For example: blowing out birthday candles apparently delivers 1400 percent more bacteria to the surface frosting than already put there by your filthy, disgusting baker. (Sharing a tub with both a butcher and candlestick maker — meat and tallow? That’s nasty.) And that’s incredible if they, at any point, put baking supplies in their purse.

So, if your birthday wish is to give all of your “friends” and family strep or worse, have we got good news for you.

It’s so good, it’s bad

Parents, science is telling you some very important news right: stop allowing your children to have best friends.

At least, that’s what counseling science is saying. According to them, community friendships are the way to go-that way, there’s less chance of feeling let down and having scheduling conflicts.

Of course, that does jack all for children that might be considered outcasts or isolated, but they’re probably the ones that would do a violent school rampage, right? Right.

Also bad for kids: birthday cake, violent toys, daydreaming and not being as smart as adults. Oh, and drenching me with a super soaker after I’ve politely and calmly asked you not to. But I digress.