In our daily search to deliver to you, dear reader, the most pressing, urgent news, we read some unbelievable statistics. For example: blowing out birthday candles apparently delivers 1400 percent more bacteria to the surface frosting than already put there by your filthy, disgusting baker. (Sharing a tub with both a butcher and candlestick maker — meat and tallow? That’s nasty.) And that’s incredible if they, at any point, put baking supplies in their purse.
So, if your birthday wish is to give all of your “friends” and family strep or worse, have we got good news for you.