Bilbo Baggins turns 75, doesn’t look a day over 50

The Hobbit, J.R.R. Tolkein’s prelude to the Lord of the Rings series, turned 75 years old today. It was first published in the United Kingdom in 1937.

This year also marks the premier of Peter Jackson’s movie adaptation of The Hobbit, which will comprise three movies and include material that was mentioned in the Lord of the Rings appendices. So, if you’re wondering whether to read the book or wait for the movie, we suggest that you read only the first three chapters. Otherwise, it might spoil the second and third movies if you know Bilbo survives for the Fellowship of the Ring.

And, in honor of Bilbo’s birthday, we bring you a song by Leonard Nimoy:

Creationists officially become my new enemies of the week

Ho-boy, creationists just became the top of Chris Taylor’s Poop List. New York City’s Department of Education has announced words that it may ban in all standardized testing for its schools. Two examples are “birthday” and “Halloween,” and don’t get me wrong, those are big words to ban, especially because of potentially offending religions.

But there’s another word that’s being bandied about as being banned and that is an action that cannot be condoned: dinosaur.

EVERY SINGLE BOY BETWEEN THE AGES OF 4 AND 58 LOVES DINOSAURS. Dinosaurs were the most amazing creatures ever as a child. To ban their use, simply to not offend creationists, a form of religion that science has proven to be stupid, is offensive to me.

Make the smart move NYDoE: don’t ban the dinosaur.

Take it from Snee: Not every day can be Flag Day

I was a little worried yesterday. I thought for sure that, since Schools’ column was yesterday, that he’d beat me to the punch writing about the world’s greatest holiday: Flag Day. Fortunately, I awoke very late and hungover to find an Eat My Sports that focused solely on that baskety-ball thing all the Jameses are playing these days.

Some people really get into Christmas. Others spend their parole reoffending on Halloween. I, however, am all about Flag Day. Not half-mast, but full-on Union Jacked! (I am aware that Flag Day is about the U.S. flag, but c’mon. All flags are welcome at my Flag Day table.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Not every day can be Flag Day

You know it’s a slow news day when …

You guys! The Wizard of Oz, an inanimate piece of film starring dead actors, turned 71 today!

Sure, it’s not a round number and it doesn’t even coincide with quarter centuries, but still! Here’s 71 facts about the movie! (Get it? One for each year? Eh?)

And you know what’s really weird? It’s also Hitler’s mother’s 150th birthday! So happy birthday, Wizard of Oz and History’s Greatest Human Embodiment of the Argument for Abortion Ever!


Were their fingers broken?

A bunch of people stood around in front of Edgar Allen Poe’s house Sunday night and were disappointed that the “Poe Toaster” did not show. The Toaster has annually left roses and a bottle of Cognac at the poet’s original grave site since 1949.

But, when the Toaster did not show, the spectators stood around complaining that they traveled, some even flying, for a no-show. Even the curator of the Poe House, Jeff Jerome, complained, saying there will be no roses or Cognac on display for the weekend following Poe’s birthday.

“I was very annoyed,” Jerome said.

Added one person from Chicago: “It’s really sad that the ritual was broken.”

And so, at the end of the night, no one made the effort to–oh, I don’t know–call a florist and run to the goddamn liquor store?!

How To: Celebrate a birthday

Vice President-elect Joe Biden’s birthday is today. We are sure you are already aware of this, because it is a national holiday and all. Biden is turning a spry 66 today. That means he was born in 1942. So, the man is older than two states in out Union, and he is also a fun person to drink with.

One would think the man who would be vice president would get some sort of soiree, but sadly, it appears that has not happened. Not only did the Philadelphia Eagles not win one for him on Sunday (but then again, a tie in football is pretty special), but his future boss was kind of lame. What did President-elect Barack Obama get Captain Coattail? Some cupcakes.

Clearly, someone was not paying attention to us. That’s why The Guys bring you how to celebrate a birthday. Continue reading How To: Celebrate a birthday

Ain’t no party like a Pope Ben party …

… ‘Cause a Pope Ben party don’t stop!

In our continuing coverage of the papal visit to the White House, SeriouslyGuys has discovered that after President Bush picked him up from the airport, they launched an ill Pope birthday party on the South Lawn.

This dope affair included “a 21-gun salute, a famed soprano’s rendition of ‘The Lord’s Prayer’ and an emotional presidential welcome.”   Over 9,000 guests showed up, so the singing of “Happy Birthday to You” was off the hook!

Staying active in the twilight years

Getting in a car accident can be a bummer (just ask my roommate). Getting into a car accident on your 72nd birthday can be even worse. That’s what happened to Rodell Alton Cole of Maryland recently, but that wasn’t the worst of his day.

Cole got into a minor fender bender with another motorist, so the police had to get involved. They found the senior citizen was driving on a suspended license and asked him to empty out his car. During this process, Cole removed a rather heavy bag police found to allegedly contain 156.2 pounds of marijuana, a street value of $1.4 million.

Police said they think Cole was on a drug run from New York City, but failed to comment on whether or not he had driven the whole way down going 45 mph on the highway with his blinker on.