Gay people: for years, we’ve known they walk among us. But, until recently, there was absolutely no way to tell who does what with whom until they’re doing it and we’re forced to explain whatever that is to our children.
Fortunately, science is leading the way with new testing technology to identify even the most closeted of homosexuals. In the past, responses to erotic pictures and video were measured by rubber bands around the penis or cameras up the vagina. But now, we don’t need doctors to smut up their labs. They can now watch your pupils dilate … as you watch erotica.
Of course, this new Voight-Kompff sexual identity test will only work until LGBT laboratories develop more lifelike homosexuals.
Yesterday marked the first day of a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” U.S. military, finally allowing gay, lesbian and bisexual service members serve openly, even in war zones. And, not to be outdone, our animal foes have matched us tit-for-tentacle: male deep sea squids have come out to our scientists as bisexual.
It’s a shame, too, because a lot of Southern high schools have to change their mascots now.
We’ve got good news and bad news for homophobes.
The Good News is that science may have discovered a cure that will make you
less likely to act on your repressed homosexual urges not catch “the gay.”
The Bad News is that the cure is bananas. Lots and lots of dongtacular bananas. Orally or anally. You need the serotonin.