Tagged: bisexual

| Filed under Sex Sells

Straight men winning orgasm war

Also surprising to The Guys: just because she yells doesn’t mean she had an orgasm.

Research proves what we’ve always known about sex: men consistently come first. Of all the polled participants, straight men finish 95 percent in all sexual encounters, followed by gay men (89 percent), bisexual men (88 percent), lesbian women (86 percent), bisexual women (66 percent) and straight women (65 percent). Basically, once a dude is in the equation, women get the shaft and that’s about it because even lesbians earned a solid B.

What’s causing women to come second or never at all?

One cause is how good dudes are at sex, because our efficient one to 15 minutes of beer-flavored passion is not enough of a tantric marathon for most women. More than 30 minutes provides the highest frequency of women’s orgasms, so that’s gonna call for orange slices, ladies.

Another reason is oral sex — as in, it’s not just for birthdays and anniversaries unless that’s also only when you’re giving orgasms. Without it, only 35 percent of women finish. With it, they tie with lesbians — 86 percent, which pretty much proves how barely necessary penises are.

But, the most important factor: communication. 45 percent of women who asked for what they want reported finishing “usually to always.” 25 percent who did not ask for anything got just that — having orgasms “rarely to never.” So, if we could suggest what to ask for: ask for a lesbian.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Your eyes look kinda gay, baby

Gay people: for years, we’ve known they walk among us. But, until recently, there was absolutely no way to tell who does what with whom until they’re doing it and we’re forced to explain whatever that is to our children.

Fortunately, science is leading the way with new testing technology to identify even the most closeted of homosexuals. In the past, responses to erotic pictures and video were measured by rubber bands around the penis or cameras up the vagina. But now, we don’t need doctors to smut up their labs. They can now watch your pupils dilate … as you watch erotica.

Of course, this new Voight-Kompff sexual identity test will only work until LGBT laboratories develop more lifelike homosexuals.

| Filed under Sex Sells, War on Animals

Squid are proud creatures

Yesterday marked the first day of a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” U.S. military, finally allowing gay, lesbian and bisexual service members serve openly, even in war zones. And, not to be outdone, our animal foes have matched us tit-for-tentacle: male deep sea squids have come out to our scientists as bisexual.

It’s a shame, too, because a lot of Southern high schools have to change their mascots now.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science!, Picture of the Day

Can you take the cure? All of it?

We’ve got good news and bad news for homophobes.

The Good News is that science may have discovered a cure that will make you less likely to act on your repressed homosexual urges not catch “the gay.”

The Bad News is that the cure is bananas. Lots and lots of dongtacular bananas. Orally or anally. You need the serotonin.