What will it take to please Catholic bishops? … Oh.

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops maintains that the only acceptable, fool-proof form of contraception is their Drew Carey glasses.
The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops maintains that the only acceptable, fool-proof form of contraception is their Drew Carey glasses.

Seeking a compromise with Catholic leaders who object to providing insurance that covers birth control, President Barack Obama proposed an exemption for religious institutions. Instead of requiring religious-affiliated employers to pay for the same insurance coverage that every other employer has to, a third-party provider will cover the birth control costs.

Sounds reasonable, right? Of course not, if you’re a Catholic bishop.

The bishops wrote back on Thursday to say that the compromise does not go far enough, in that it does not “force sluts to pay for their whore pills.” The compromise also fails, in their opinion, to address the concerns of religious — yet not religiously-affiliated — employers like Hobby Lobby, whose CEO prefers to only provide the health coverage that he wants to his employees.

In other news: some guy quit his job — again — because the number 666 appeared on his W-2. And this is we don’t let religion determine U.S. policy.

If you love marriage so much …

Is it just us or does it seem odd that a group of unmarried freeloaders are considering themselves experts on marriage? It’s kind of like learning the ins and outs of scuba diving from people who are afraid to swim.

That hasn’t stopped the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops from issuing a series of letters to explain their positions, again, on marriage, reproductive rights and cyborgs patients on life support.

We haven’t read these earth-shattering documents, but we’ll sum them up for you anyway:

“You got married, now have babies and don’t you stop until the corpse of your spouse is cold.”

(If the other week was bad for Scientology, how weird is it that the Catholics were next for this week?)