Tag: bite

T. Rex more dangerous than claymation previously indicated

If you’ve been planning a time travel jaunt to the Cretaceous period, don’t. And don’t let the Tyrannosaurus Rex’s comically short arms fool you: its mouth is capable of “between 7,868 and 12,814 pounds-force,” or “having a medium-size elephant sit on you.”

This already brings up a non-time travel warning, do not — for the love of god — let a medium-sized elephant sit on you. That’s like a bite from a T. Rex, which you would understand if you attempted time tra —

Oh, god. We’ve opened a time travel logic paradox. Sorry about your universe. We just wanted you to be safe.

Vampire Watch 2011

If science movies like Outbreak and Nosferatu have taught us anything, it’s that it only takes a single Patient Zero to ruin life as we know it.

A Mexican migrant worker has become the first person to die in the U.S. from the bite of a spooky vampire bat. He was bitten on the heel in Mexico–which also makes this the first non-Internet foot-fetishist vampire story–and died shortly after arriving in Louisiana to work on a sugar cane plantation.

Authorities have been careful to not disclose the current location of his body as local teenage girls have begun staking out graveyards to swoon at him. This is even more problematic as he died from rabies, leaving it up in the air whether he belongs on Team Edward or Jacob.

There’s nothing like biting the hand that feeds you

We don’t like animals, and if you haven’t figured it by now, they don’t like us either. Nonetheless, even if we keep them as prisoners of war, but still adhere to the Geneva’ish Convention, the monsters still manage to screw up that relationship.

Take Jason Wiles of Fayetteville, Arkansas. Some might say that he was tempting fate by having many venomous snakes on his property. We like to think of him as a hardened warden. Like many felons, a green mamba decided to tempt fate and its work release program, biting Wiles. This could have been potentially deadly as green mambas are known for being one of the most deadly snakes in the world. Luckily, it was apparently a “dry bite,” and Wiles beat the odds.

However, the green mamba apparently didn’t know that we humans have a zero tolerance policy. It and the many deadly snakes on Wiles’ property were rounded up and taken out like the dirty animals that they are. Maybe word will spread out about this “example.”

Boston PD: Ready to do battle with the undead

When the zombies come, (and trust us, they will) you can depend on the Boston Police Department to tell you about it–unlike other government agencies, who cover up the zombie threat because they want to keep us dumb and sheep-like.

This revelation comes to us by the hotbed of pointless banter unreliable intelligence important announcements, Twitter. The Boston Police Department tweeted that one of its officers was being treated at a hospital for a human bite on May 19. Boston Police follower willcady responded, asking if it was a zombie bite, would the police tell the public.

The response: “@willcady Yes, absolutely.”

There you have it. A new era of government transparency has swept through the ranks of Boston’s finest. If the zombies hit Beantown, BPD will tell you wicked fast. Same goes for if the Aqua Teen Hunger Force plant bombs around the city.

(via Consumerist)