Tag: black bear

The cost of the war is crippling

We may be winning the war on animals, but it sure is taking its toll on us, financially.

This war has officially transitioned into one of attrition. With our economic times still being lower than they need to be, we need to finish this battle quickly.

Boston evicting black bears from suburbs

Boston may be home of the Bruins, but it sure as hell refuses to be home to black bears.

A male black bear, who had originally tried to take up residence at Cape Cod and was removed, has now been found and forcibly evicted from Brookline, a Boston suburb. The bear had not purchased or signed a lease in either locality, so this was obviously an attempt by our greatest foe to squat on foreclosed properties.

The next step? Joining the Home Owners Association and forcing everyone to plant ice cream gardens.

It’s like you don’t even read this

Look, we’ve warned you since 2006 of the building and always present animal threat. But, then we read stories like these and start to lose hope for our species.

Dogs routinely frame humans

Dogs have conditioned us to believe that they are our closest allies. They help us hunt other animals, eat our homework when we need a night off and even keep dying businesses like newspapers going by carrying them inside. This was all a ruse.

It was through these means that dogs pretended to find criminals by sense of smell, and we actually believed them! It turns out that, like Texans, they just like frying people and any human will do.

He bearly loves you

Do not bring bears into your home. If they approach your door, it is only to get revenge on Goldilocks, and we all look the same to them.

The uprising has begun–in Jersey

New Jersey sucks–everyone knows that. That’s why it produces such great music. People know that the music industry is their only hopes of making it out of the wilds of the Garden State. Yes, if we had to off one state, we all know we’d aim the missiles at “Jersey.”

Unfortunately, the animals know it, too. They know that if an attack happens there, the rest of the country is not going to lift a finger to assist. Recently, the animals moved their focus on Boonton Township, New Jersey.

Last Thursday, a black bear broke into a human’s garage, went into the freezer and snacked on all the meat that was in there. The bear made off with chicken breasts, hamburgers, sausage, steaks and a loaf of bread for, you guessed it, a pic-a-nic.

A few days later, police were called in to deal with a crazy groundhog. Oh yes, this groundhog tried to attack a citizen and both arresting officers. A man called police when he tried to leave his house and get into his truck when he was attacked by the groundhog. Despite being kicked several times, the beast just kept coming. He had to retreat into the house and call the police. They eventually maced the beast and took him away for “questioning.”

I smell a Springsteen song!