Ask Dr. Snee: Got any Irish in you?

Today is St. Patrick’s Day.

And when I think of St. Patrick’s, I think of not pulling out during my annual night of leprechaun-themed sex. (There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for love, unlike certain Meat Loafs.)

Based on your letters, though, most of you think about drinking. Is St. Patrick’s a drinking holiday? I’ve been known tip a keg back for Bastille Day, but imbibing alcohol on a religious day? You people are weird.

Nevertheless, it is my doctorly duty to never turn away a patient until their insurance company says it’s OK. So, let’s get to your questions.
Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Got any Irish in you?

Take it from Snee: In which our hero watches ‘chick flicks’

So, last week I mentioned that married men are forced to watch chick flicks. Of course, the more whipped boyfriends out there have probably done the same, which is why they’ll always be groomsmen: gentlemen, you don’t give the back rubs away for free. (Whores.)

Now, I could just whine about these films, but that’s not the kind of content you expect in this column. Instead, I will share my insights with you you for surviving these films, achieving relationship leverage and using said leverage to do all those things you’ve only seen in cave paintings.

Think of me as a former Forest Recon who escaped from a POW camp and survived for six years in the jungle by eating his former NVA captors. Now I’m going to teach you ballet. Chainsaw ballet. Continue reading Take it from Snee: In which our hero watches ‘chick flicks’

A report on affairs o’ the Orient

G’morning, mateys! While many o’ ye be strictly Atlantic water pirates, more an’ more o’ ye have been smartly settin’ sail for the shores o’ China, lured by promises o’ gold fingernails, spices and lasses with tiny feet. For those of ye considerin’ the journey, here be a brief update on all things Asiatic:

Leave the rum, take the milk

Four little babies be dead and thousands more be sick from drinking a powderrrred formula that be tainted with chemicals.

The Chinese State Administration of Quality Supervision, Inspection and Quarantine (an upstandin’ organization that be always verifin’ that ye lead bars be gold) says that adults be safe for now, as the chemical, tripolycyanide, only kills wee lubbers under this tall.

So, if ye be dangerously near the last dregs of ye rum, consider setting anchor at the Glorious People’s Breast-Free Lacterium and adding some special formula to ye crew’s grog.

If ye blind friends be doin’ it, would ye?

South Korean Police have arrested 26 blind masseurs who were attemptin’ to jump off o’ a bridge–presumably because all o’ their friends be doin’ it.

The jumperrrs be protestin’ a law that be allowin’ currs with workin’ deadlights to be encroachin’ on their trade. In the past, the law only allowed blind jacks to massage ye, medically-speakin’ o’ course.

So, if ye be sailin’ past the Korean pennisula, keep an eye out for accidental deckside stowaways. It be not likely that they know where they be goin’.

Ask Dr. Snee: Blindness and impairment

Dear Dr. Snee,

Recently, I read about blind Iraq war veterans learning how to ski. How is this possible? Also what other activities do you recommend for blind people who still wish to stay active?

Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Blindness and impairment