Great, now the Internet’s unsafe for children

Pope Benedict XVI has asked Catholic ministers and priests to use the Internet to spread the gospel. Ben (and only we are allowed to call him that) cited the Church’s adoption of other media like books, television and weekly wine tastings as justification to moving online.

We can see a couple of flaws to this plan:

  1. The priests who are already Web savvy are also already on Chris Hansen’s watchlist.
  2. The priests who aren’t online will have trouble setting up blogs and Web sites since they never had children to do it for them. (This is also why the clergy doesn’t use DVRs and their clocks always read “88:88.”)

Still, we think His Holiness is on the right track and welcome him and his brethren to the ’90s.

XxAmercnAirlynzXx has added you!

Brendan Fraser IS the American Way.There are certain companies that we expect to not be “with it.” In fact, if those companies tried to rebrand themselves as “hip” or “edgy,” we would be more concerned than relieved.

One of those are airlines, but they don’t know that yet. A couple are now using social media to “reach fans” and address complaints.

JetBlue uses Twitter to respond to people complaining to porn spambots about their delayed flights. Amazingly for an airline that’s only one step above riding with free-range chickens, JetBlue only has one communications employee running their “Here’s a coupon, dawg” service.

American Airlines has a fan page on Facebook. Yes, you can now add the Big AA to your friendlist, presumably so they’ll tell all their other fans to read your blog. Be sure to compliment them on their big exposé on suede leather jackets in American Way, their award-winning in-flight magazine.

Just a reminder to airlines, energy drink chemists and politicians: it’s not social networking if you’re advertising on it. Then it’s just another way to receive spam AND diminish your reputation.

SG newspaper death pool now open

Today we lose another valued member of the newspaper society. As many of you have no doubt heard by now, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer (whose name seems a cruel joke about telling you news well after the fact) sells its final print edition today, after more than a century of service.

The P-I, as it is called, is switching to an online-only format and is the first U.S. newspaper to do so. The newspaper is not the first to go under in the recession, and countless more newspapers are teetering on the edge. It’s an inevitable drop that we have all seen coming for 20 years. And while we all are sad, it’s all our faults because we are the ones who stopped buying newspapers. Sure, they have steadily decreased in quality for years and get ink all over your hands, it’s our job as a society to buy these newspapers and support our journalists’ drinking habits.

On another sad note, it is my sad duty to announce that after today, the print version of SeriouslyGuys will no longer be available. We are switching to a Web-only format and experimenting with this whole “blog” fad that seems to be hip with the kids these days. You will be able to find us at

Comedy writers prepare for June 8 Palin speech

Comedy writers ranging from The Daily Show to blogs like this and even your mom’s weekly “hee-mail” are cracking their knuckles, getting ready for a return to the good old days before economic reports and Jim Cramer.

For the first time since two weeks ago, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin will return to the public eye on June 8 as the keynote speaker at the annual Republican Senate-House Dinner. Writers are licking their chops, already backfiling graphics requests for Palin’s head photoshopped onto various scenes, like on an iceflow or at a klansmeeting.

In some cases, we’ve received reports of Web sites having already written their articles upon the AP news release. They figure Palin will rehash the latest GOP talking points, plus a few “alsos” and “such ases,” and the rest of their stories would only require minor edits from there.

We, here at SG, however, will just file our story now:

Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin.

But will her mouth have a spam filter?

A San Francisco artist has decided that the best way to replace her missing eye is with a web camera. Lindsey Wagner is most probably proud of the decision.

Artist Tanya Vlach, who lost her eye in a car accident, has used the power of the INTARWUBS to issue a challenge to engineers all across the world wide web: make an “eye cam” for her fake eye that can all kinds of things seen more often in science fiction movies than in real life.

Now, is there a problem? Of course. Power would definitely be the restriction here. The idea of having the wireless power magically “beamed” to the eye is theoretically sound, but putting it in practice is another issue, especially considering this power would need to be sent through a human body, which may have safety issues. The loss in such a process is considerable, and it’s not like a phone is some endless source of power in itself. I mean, I have to charge my iPhone at least once a day, and I’m not surfing the web on it all the time. How much power could be outputted by something that has to “dilate with changes of light” and allow a user to blink to control its zoom, focus and on/off switch?

Problem number 2: in 2047, Sam Neill will open a dimensional portal to a place where “we won’t be needing our eyes.” So, you know, we’ve got that going for us.

Inverse black hole creation question: What will happen if she looks at a live feed of her site in a monitor? Or is that sight?

‘Skins player shows too much skin

For fans of the Washington Redskins, Chris Cooley is one of the only white people on the team a household name. He’s a tight end, and no, we are not going to make a joke about that.

Those who watched the ‘Skins game yesterday met Cooley in the profile during NBC’s coverage. We learned that while yes, Cooley did go to Utah State, he did not really like academics, unlike so many student athletes, who are on track for their doctorates.

However, Cooley is also known for his blog, cleverly titled The Official Blog of Chris Cooley. Recently, he published a post about how the team playbook has a doodle section. He even took a picture of the section, which is tragically devoid of crayons. But, in the picture he published, Cooley failed to realize he had accidentally included his manly member in the shot.

Let this be a cautionary tale to all you nude bloggers out there. Speaking of which, I need to go find some pants.

How To: Be well-travelled

In this day and age, book knowledge isn’t enough to win an argument. To be a successful pundit, you must have firsthand knowledge of your subject. Since nothing ever happens in your hometown, the first step to universal credibility is to build a “seen it all, been everywhere” appearance.

Unfortunately, travel costs time and money: taking time off from work, learning a language, buying and packing climate- and culturally-appropriate clothing and recovering from exotic microbial infections. But don’t you fret now, sugar dumplin’; The Guys got your back. We’ve put together a bunch of shortcuts so that you can learn how to be well-travelled.

Continue reading How To: Be well-travelled