Sleep is pretty awesome. And yet, when you sleep, you are vulnerable to all sorts of attacks, like large animals falling on you.
In upstate New York, a man was sleeping in his bed, probably enjoying a nice peaceful dream offering him an escape from the frustrations and disappointments of everyday life, when a snake fell on him. A six-foot-long boa constrictor fell from the ceiling and landed on him, we’re assuming that woke him up. Imagine the terror of being woken up by the sudden impact of an animal falling on you, then discovering that that animal is a huge snake.
Turns out the boa constrictor escaped its enclosure somewhere else in the apartment building and was out for a stroll. Amazingly, no one was arrested and the snake wasn’t put down.
Sleep with one eye open tonight.
The war against our multi-legged enemies continues. Just when we thought we were making ground, the animals begin their invasion plots and in our most sacred areas! Not a place is safe!
Don’t let this continue. Stamp out any animals you see.
I don’t want to worry you too much, but the revolution might be upon us.
It’s not my intent to alarm you all, but I only speak to you what circumstances might have brought. We’re currently seeing attacks from the tip top of the country in Minnesota to the lowly parts of the country in Arizona. It’s horrible. First, a bat attacked a 5 year old girl. Five. Years. Old. She can’t defend herself! Worse still, it happened in a Walmart, arguably our nation’s greatest contribution to capitalism. This is an affront to our country!
And yet, the evidence of a coordinated attack still looms. In Tempe, Arizona, a woman at a business center went out for a break. She’s earned it and she’s going to spend it with a nice, relaxing smoke to get her nerves back. If only. You see, the poor woman was attacked by a javelina (it’s an overgrown, furry pig) on her break. She now has to be treated for rabies. Potentially, that might consist of 13 shots that she has to take. That pig owes her 15 minutes of her life back.
Despite all this, I do have good news to report. A giant and terribly humongous (at least, in comparison to me) boa was captured, after being on the loose for who knows how long in Albuquerque. That’s one monster that’s been put back into its cage. It’s not all pretty out there in the world, but at least we know that some creatures aren’t out there trying to eat us. For now.
Apparently a snake bite.
A black rat snake bit a cop at a Taco Bell. Now, mind you, the black rat snake is one of the most non-intimidating snakes out there in the world. It doesn’t help the officer that the snake was mistakenly reported originally as a boa.
Nonetheless, this is all irrelevant.
As human beings, we don’t ask for a lot in this world, and let’s face it, if you’re eating at Taco Bell, then you’re clearly not getting a lot (except the eventual Taco Smells). The sheer fact that the animals are now invading even the greasiest of our worst fast food establishments is inexcusable and an outrage of the highest level. Let’s take it to them, people!