You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

I'm not eager to do this, and you shouldn't be, either.
I’m not eager to do this, and you shouldn’t be, either.

We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.

January

At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.

Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.

In case you’re not sick of him already
Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

You Missed It: End of watch edition

And just like that, one of my wife's favorite shows became far less tolerable.
And just like that, one of my wife’s favorite shows became far less tolerable.

Guys, I’m a little nervous. There are all these articles out there today saying that an asteroid is going to zoom past the Earth on Sunday. They claim there’s no real danger, but I don’t trust them. For example, the Europeans just got a probe to orbit and soon land on an asteroid, NASA says it wants to land people on an asteroid. What if the asteroid race is warning us not to mess with them. The next one could have our number. If you were busy getting your hopes up for what will surely be a disappointing football season this week, odds are you missed it.

Joan Rivers dies, parts of her aged 81
The world of comedy was dealt another big blow this week with the death of Joan Rivers. She was known as one of the first women to do real comedy once women were given such a right via a constitutional amendment, and managed to stay relevant decade after decade. First Robin Williams, now Joan Rivers. I’m calling it right now: it’s the Curse of the High-Profile Louie Cameos. Look out, Jerry Seinfeld!

Celebrity skin not celebrated
This week, nude photos of dozens of female celebrities were posted on a forum online, supposedly from hacked Apple iCloud accounts. The media and many of your friends on social media were outraged that such a thing could happen, because celebrities shouldn’t have to deal with the same problems and normals. The FBI announced that it would investigate the alleged crimes, because only the feds are allowed to violate citizens’ privacy. We can only hope that the victims and their families are OK, and that they don’t decide to have their own reality shows.

Virginia is for bribers
Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell and his wife were found guilty of several counts of corruption while he was in office. Among other things, they were accused of accepting gifts in exchange for favors and sweetheart deals. They were given hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash, gifts and trips while they were in office. It’s the first time a Virginia governor has been convicted of a crime. Nice try, Virginia, but you’ve got a long way to go before you have as many convictions under your belt as Illinois or Louisiana.

Take it from Snee: The War Against Southern Regression

Last Update: 8 April 2010

On April 12, 1861, Confederate forces opened fire on Fort Sumter, starting a war that would end three days earlier in 1865 at Appomattox Court House.

Because of both sides’ time travel technology, it would be the bloodiest American war until an unfortunate Red Cross “water balloon” fight last weekend in the Bed Bath & Beyond parking lot. (Sorry, Haiti. Maybe you can transfuse next week.)

To honor the brave men and women of Virginia who fought or whored themselves out during the Civil War, Governor Bob “What Homos?” McDonnell proclaimed April to be Confederate History Month.

Some people disagree with this idea, that it promotes a history that is painful to minorities and willfully ignorant. I say it’s perfect, and I’ll lay it all out for you.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: The War Against Southern Regression

… But Virginians all drive 80 mph

As the recently-elected Virginia governor, Bob McDonnell, promised, a bill is slowly making the rounds to increase interstate highway speed limits from 65 to 70 mph.

This is just the latest effort by the Commonwealth to bring the speed limits into sync with the actual driving habits of Virginians, particularly those from the northern parts. School zones, unfortunately, remain a stifling 25 mph–fast enough to kill, but too slow to to clear the obese 11-year-old underneath and take off again.

Some opponents to the bill believe that the 5 mph speed increase will waste fuel, lead to more accidents and require unwarranted spending to adjust signs.  These same opponents, however, have yet to propose lowering the speed limit to a safer, more fuel efficient 40 mph.

We guess the lesson is that safety’s one thing, but not if it means running late for work.

Someone gives a s#%t about bumper stickers

At this point, you'd think they'd buy a new damn car.Every election year, millions of people put candidate bumper stickers on their cars. And, for the most part, nobody notices until some McCainiac cuts you off or the sticker’s hilariously outdated.

Good news, though! Somebody is actually paying attention to what you put on your car: politicians.

“During long campaign swings in Virginia’s recent gubernatorial campaign, Bob McDonnell’s staff would count the cars that sported both Obama and McDonnell bumper stickers.”

Congratulations! You’ve made yourself heard … as yet another highway statistic.

Quarter of The Guys thankful to not live in Va.

Ugh.

SeriouslyGuy Rick Snee thanked God this morning that he no longer lives in the Commonwealth of Virginia. Why, you may ask? Why would he prefer to live in Alabama?

Because he’s unlikely to receive an automated phone call, or robocall, from Sarah Palin about the governor’s race down in the capital of Conservaphilia.

The former Alaskan governor and current neo-Paris Hilton recorded a message for the Faith and Freedom Coalition, urging Virginian voters to “to go to the polls Tuesday and vote to share our principles.”

Great, so not only did she make one of those “irritating” robocalls, but she couldn’t even be more specific about who best represents “her principles?” Leave it to a woman to expect you to read her mind.

What? Kids say crazy things in college

The Virginia gubernatorial race is heating up! Republican candidate, Bob McDonnell, is facing criticism for his college thesis, which the Democrat candidate, Creigh Deeds, has featured in his attack ads.

To comprehensively lay out the issue, SeriouslyGuys will now discuss the story in Point/Counterpoint.

Point: McDonnell wrote the thesis 20 years ago! He says he’s changed his mind since then. Remember how you thought when you were young, dumb and full of liberal education?

Counterpoint: McDonnell was 34 years old when he wrote it … at Pat “Jesus Rides Dinosaurs” Robertson’s Regeant University.

Point: OK, but it was a college thesis–a thought experiment. It’s not like it was his plan for the Republican Party to combat feminism and reinstall religion in public schools.

Counterpoint: “The thesis was called ‘The Republican Party’s Vision for the Family: The Compelling Issue of the Decade.’ In it, McDonnell wrote that working women are ‘detrimental’ the the family; that feminism is among ‘the real enemies of the traditional family’; and that the ‘purging’ of religious influence in public schools is damaging to healthy families.”

Point: Fine. But, McDonnell[‘s campaign] still says he’s changed. He’s now a husband and father of “strong working women.”

Counterpoint: So, not only did McDonnell write a paper that echoes Dan Quayle’s 1989 positions, but he couldn’t even enforce them in his own home?

Point: That’s what women do to a man.

Counterpoint: Touché.