Bobcat tries to finish off small-town newspaper

There is an assault on the news media. It presents an existential threat to the independent press, a keystone of our great democracy. The threat, of course, is bobcats.

In a town outside of Tulsa, Oklahoma, a male bobcat attempted to do what online media has been trying to do for a decade: kill off print journalism. Sapulpa Herald publisher Darren Sumner said he opened the door to the restroom at his office when he saw a male bobcat, which leapt at him. Sumner promptly trapped the bobcat by closing the restroom door, and probably took care of whatever business he was heading there for in the first place.

Authorities captured the wild animal and released it without questioning. It is already being considered for a position in the Trump White House.

National Zoo’s shameful revolving door strikes nation’s capital

The only way to win the War on Animals is to make sure we don’t fight the same enemies over and over again. Once we put an enemy combatant in lock-down, then we had better make sure they stay there. And yet here we are, watching non-profit animal cuddlers trying to lure a fugitive bobcat back into its cell.

At 25-pounds, Ollie is considered a threat to small animals, low-flying birds and Italian restaurants.

Ollie, a 25-pound bobcat, escaped from the National Zoo sometime Monday morning and is wandering free through our nation’s capital. This tiger-adjacent predator has access to the very strip clubs that our legislators and lobbyists depend on for nightly glitter-coatings that are essential for effective policy-making.

And what’s the taxpayer-funded zookeepers’ plan? To offer up food until she moseys back into her pen: “‘We very much believe that she will want to come back to her habitat,’ [zoo official Brandie] Smith says.”

See? This is why we have to silence the national parks and other sciencey-types. If they’re not with us, they’re against us.

Warrior of the Week

Florida can be dangerous place to be. They’ve got swamps crawling with members of Al-igator and other creatures. But they also have something many people don’t think about: bobcats.

Elaine Grace, 57, was walking her dog when a bobcat attacked her. The woman was not a goner, however, she only got mad, and wrestled the big cat to the ground and pinned it. The animal refused to cry uncle, so she was forced to hold it in place until passersby heard the commotion and came to help.

Grace was treated for minor injuries, the bobcat was euthenized on the spot to send a message to all others in the Tallahassee bobcat community. We salute Grace for her bravery, hope she gets better soon.